Monday, January 30, 2006

Linens 'n Things

This is how Linens 'n Things, Inc. defines the housewife, their target customer;

"Our primary target guest is female between the ages of 25 and 55 who is fashion and brand conscious, has good-to-better income and focuses on the home as a reflection of her individuality."

How come

How come 95% of LI girls and 95% of North Jersey girls tell me they aren't like typical LI / North Jerz girls? I mean, wouldn't just saying that pretty much just prove my point? There's like major self hate going on there.

There are 2 possible reasons A) they are just like every LI / North Jerz girl or B) all the ones in the city are different b/c they actually moved into the city while the ones they left behind are the ones that the stereotype is about. If its A, I don't like them and if its B, I don't think I've met any girls from LI that actually live on LI, and thus, its the city LI girls that I've based my stereotypes on and thus I don't like them either.

Saturday, January 28, 2006

Bat Mitzvah Video

From IJC headquarters (link on the right). This is an IJC in the making. Its the scariest/funniest thing

And speaking of IJC - He found the overheard NY posting I submitted and wrote about it. Love how this stuff gets passed around the community. She was totally a huge IJC, not sure what she was doing outside the Hill in Gramercy though.

Not sure if you guys remember me posting about this on Dec 26th.
"I'll have an everything bagel, scooped out and toasted with five egg whites and extra cheese but not too much extra cheese that it's gooping out, just like one slice more than you normally would use. Oh, and make sure the eggs are well done."

Friday, January 27, 2006

Q&AWB & TILATW

Do you believe you had a prior life?

Do you understand how selfish that is? When someone says they “know” they are an old soul, all I can think is “conceited much?”Think about it this way: In 1850, there were 1B people in the world. So, someone who was born in 1850, lived 60 years and was reborn in 1910, lived 74 years and was reborn as you in 1984. In 1984, when you were born, there were over 5B. So, in order to believe that you were reincarnated only 2x, would be a very selfish assumption, since only 1 in 5 people alive would have been reincarnated 2x or more. In 1910, there were 1.75B people in the world. So that means that 3 of 5 people born in the 1980’s, are new souls...having never been reincarnated. If you thought you were around in Egyptian times (as someone I know has told me), and you consider that there were around 100M people in the world at year zero, then its clear how selfish someone who says that is…Thinking they are 1 of 60 people who's souls was around back then.
(Back Up Documentation)


CJ asks - How old are you? How old to you feel? Hope you had fun at McAlear's! Happy Birthday!

I did and thanks. I’m 26, I’m feeling old, slow, fat, and a little anxious. I’m starting to think that I need to start my life before I find my other half, instead of the other way around (as my sisters / parents) have done. I’ve spent so much time and energy on other people; I have not spent enough on myself. I think maybe I should get off my butt, do something worth while, and then maybe I’ll find someone along the way, it’s a big world.

Why do Kellogs Corn Pops come in a silvery metalic bag instead of a normal see through plastic/wax paper bag like all other cereal?

I have absolutely no idea. Its one of those mysteries in the world that I just love hearing the answer to, kinda like the 24 second shot, which Christine and I were discussing the origins of. She subsequently sent me “Biasone chose the unusual number of 24 seconds by figuring that the average number of shots two teams would take during a game was 120. He divided that number into 48 minutes or 2,880 seconds, the length of a game, and ended up with the magical number of 24.”
(Back Up Info)

Why can't you have your cake and eat it too? Who wants cake if they can't eat it? And how can you eat it w/o having it?

I have my cake and eat it all the time. Sometimes with ice cream, sometimes with chocolate sauce and sometimes with sugar lightly sprinkled. As for the saying, its more of a negotiating tool and a bad one at that. I want 2 things, you want 2 things, so we split the difference. I don’t believe in the saying for a second. If I can effectively argue for both things, I’m going to do it.

How do you get over someone you loved who no longer loves you? I've tried a rebound relationship, therapy, heavy drinking, and plain old giving it time. None are working. Its been over 6 months. Help, Ask Ben! Difficulty: I work with this person and his new girlfriend is ALSO a coworker so I see them both every day. Quitting is not an option and neither are going anywhere, either.

First of all…What were you thinking being serious w/a coworker. Your story is like the text book reason why don’t date co workers ot better yet, it would be a great Melrose Place episode. Nothing wrong with screwing a coworker on the side, but getting serious is not a good idea. It’ll totally mess with you mentally if you ever brake up.

I’m a huge fan of the clean break and the N/2 rule. That means A) You don’t stay friends with them and avoid all contact with them (you can’t do that) B) it will take you at least N/2 to be able to like someone again (N being the time period you dated). I break both rules all the time, I usually stay friends and usually see them…but I usually never liked them that much to begin with so its them who are actually breaking the rules. Getting over someone? That’s a totally different column, which I’ll start now…

Getting over someone is not possible. I don’t think you ever get over someone who’s emotionally affected you, whether it was sexual or not. You may stop thinking about them all the time, and you may be able to love again, but that does not mean you are "over" the person. That does not mean that if you bumped into that person 5 years from now, your heart and theirs, wouldn’t jump.

Many of us have had people like that in your lives, some of us are lucky or better off b/c of a situation like that, but none of us are “over” that person. I think I have 3 people (1 guy who’d I’d still rage after and would like to kill if I saw), who if I bumped into them on the street I wouldn’t know how to act and would get all flustered. I think a good analogy might be comparing it to losing a close relative. After time, you may not think about them as much, but when you do, your mood shifts to the way it was the last time you were with them or thought about them.

To summarize, basically you are screwed. The fact that he’s now with someone else at work is totally killing you, regardless if you dumped him or he dumped you. Right now, he’s happy = you’re not = you can see them every day. Did she know about you two beforehand b/c that’s screwed up on her part, too, and both should know better. There’s a courtesy issue at play here to. You don’t date 2 people who know each other.

My best suggestion, besides leaving your job, or doing to them what Anne Couler suggested we do to liberal supreme court judges today (poison them) is to have fun with it. You’re much smarter than whoever these people are (you’re much smarter than 99% of people). Use it. Mess w/them. Send him/her flowers from someone else. Put “no employee sex in the bathroom (and yes that includes you Joe and Kim)” signs inside some of the stalls (assuming their names are Joe and Kim). Make their lives miserable. I’d never do any of that, but for you, I think revenge is quite a viable option.

What is the best way to deal with neighbors who are un-neighborly? They're not loud or obnoxious, but they are unfriendly to me even when I say "Good morning" when I see them. I want to be a good neighbor; what do I do?

I don’t really understand the problem unless you want to be friends with them. If your neighbors are being abnormally unfriendly, there’s probably something wrong with them. There are 3 solutions. A) have a party and invite them. If they don’t come B) have a loud party and don’t and piss them off or C) (I hate to repeat my old advice), but have fun w/them and mess with them. Write them a letter from your landlord saying their rent is going to double. I know you’ve seen the Truman Show (I think you saw it w/me) so every time you see them, be overly friendly. “Good morning, and if I don’t see you, good afternoon, good evening and good night.” Let me know how it goes.

Do you have any methods to tell whether someone is having a boy or girl? Also, are you available to baby sit, say in August?

Baby gender comes down to one thing, Karma. It’s quite a simple formula where you take and in depth look at the father, and judge whether he deserves a boy or not (This theory only works under the assumption that most men want boys, esp. first and if they don’t want boys, what kind of man did you marry / have unprotected sex w?).

4 major categories:

#1 - Girls who hate him in this life? This is pretty self explanatory, count up the number of girls who he’s “dicked” over (including the expecting mother) who are thinking to themselves right now “Man, I really hope that guy has a girl, he deserves it”

#2 - Girls who hate him in his last life? This might be the hardest category to judge. Base it on how cute and smart he is. If he’s an idiot and ugly, Karma is still punishing him for being a jerk in his last life. Just take a guess based on degree of ugly and stupidity.

#3 - How many sisters does he have? If he’s had sisters, he’s probably A) been tortured enough B) knows how bad girls are and thus would avoid #1 at all costs and C) his dad obviously had bad Karma, and probably suffered enough for the rest of the family.

#4 - Did his dad treat his sister like she was a boy, or like he wished she was a boy (or if no sister, did his dad treat his wife like she was one of the guys)?

Add these up like so, #1 + #2 - #3 +/- 3 (plus for yes, minus for no). If these add up to 10, you’re getting a girl. Too much negative Karma, sorry. In your case, I’m thinking it’s about 23. Can I name her?

Answer to the 2nd question. No, I don’t do newborns. Call me next August.

To submit questions, askbens@yahoo.com

TILATW (Things I Lied About This Week):

I told someone I was from Marietta, Georgia, which is near Atlanta and I went to AA for temple (it’s a temple down there).

I told someone that I was all dressed up b/c the MTA had a union meeting tonight and I had to speak. I’m a star, since I became conductor after only 3 years when usually it takes 7 so many of the older union guys listen to what I say. I told that someone that if we didn’t get our new contract, I’d probably get fired, wouldn’t be able to afford my apartment and would have go back to my old strip mining job in Western Kentucky

I told someone I was 29

I told someone that I walked up to Paris Hilton on the curb of a Vegas hotel last year and asked her if she needed a ride. When she politely responded that her driver was coming, I politely told her that “I wasn’t talking about that kinda ride.” I then told that person that Paris has a very good “nasty look.”

I told someone that I walked up to George Clooney and said “Hey George, I loved you in The Harvest as a lip-syncing transvestite” and that George Clooney has a very good “nasty look.” I also told this person that I’m starting a website that will have each actor and their most obscure / awkward / embarrassing part they ever played so you could walk up to them when you see them and say the same line.

This one is Pretty Good

Wednesday, January 25, 2006

Something for Nothing

I think these are my weekend thoughts:
I think I went to bed at 11pm Friday

I think every time I make brunch plans for 11am, I wake up at 10:50 and every time I make brunch plans for 1pm, I wake up at 9am and am starving to death.

I think I drank way too much Saturday night...so much that I didn't get home until around 9pm Sunday.

I think Leigh and I played one of my new favorite games Saturday afternoon. Its called "Most Useless Book" and you play it at Barnes and Noble. I think Nicole Richie's "The Truth About Diamonds" non fiction novel took first place with honorable mention going to Broadway Musical Stars Paper Dolls, Networking for Dummies, Tachen's 1000 Favorite Websites, and 100% Cotton: T-Shirt Graphics.

I think these are my fun thoughts of the week:
I think I want to get a "Guns don't kill people, Chuck Norris kills people" T-shirt from this site which is amazing. I LOVE CHUCK NORRIS FACTS.

I think they need to make adult version of choose your own adventure books. They could be good mysteries or kinky love stories (like you can have him go after the girl, or the guy). I think there's a huge market of 20-30 year olds who remember those books from childhood and would buy them, even just for fun.

I think my doorman is trying to hook me up with the new girls who moved in downstairs. I think he's going to give them one of my packages or visa versa to set our meetings in motion. Its 3 girls in 1 apt right below us. I think he might be more excited about this than me

I think the fat guy on Lost should have lost 100 pounds by now.

I think I've grown an inch by not cutting my hair. Man its thick

These are my political quick points of the week:
I think
that when the head of Republican political strategy (Karl Rove) gets in front of the country on national TV and says something like "Some Democrats clearly disagree with wanting to spy on Al Qaeda" it becomes pretty obvious he's a fucking liar and deserves to be killed. I mean, no one has or will ever say that. I think I want to know what kind of wire taps the court wasn't allowing that made the administration decide to skip the court. That whole argument for quickness doesn't hold water when, as it turns out, you can get the warrant 3 days after you've actually started eavesdropping.

I think I'm worried that in Bush's mind, he thinks that any Democrat in power would be a threat to our nations security, and thus, he could wiretap the DNC or anyone, in order to find things out and maintain control.

I think that the TV media continuing to say that its the same thing for a Democrat to accept a $5,000 donation from a charity that a crook gave money to, and for a Republican to accept vacations and over $100,000 from that same crook is nuts. I don't think our media has been very truthful or liberal for at least 2 years now.

I think Google's power and size are going to be an issue in the next 10 years.

I think this is my sports thought of the week:
I think
Jerome Bettis is supposidly an easy pick for the Hall of Fame, I just can't stop thinking he's only a better than average player who's played for an extended period of time and happens to be a very nice guy. When comparing his career to someone like Ricky Waters, they look very similar, except that Bettis has had 4 more years. Both never lead the league in rushing, had few seasons with more than 10 TD's (2 for Bettis, 3 for Waters) and neither won the MVP. (I'm not sure either ever were in the top 5 in voting). Bettis was in 6 Pro Bowls while Waters was in 5. Bettis only averaged over 4.0 yards per carry 1x in his last 9 years while Waters averaged that for his career, and had over 4.0 yards per carry in his last 2 seasons. To me, both just seem like good players. If Waters had played 4 more years, he'd be in the top 5 in numerous categories, like Bettis. And who cares about the guys parents. He's 35. If he were a rookie with no family, then maybe you show his parents, but since he's probably got his own family, and his parents are probably around 60...who cares.

Monday, January 23, 2006

Lame

This is such a lame cop out but I'm totally having writers block. I'm having it here and at work. Its not that I don't know what to write about, its just that I can't put my thoughts on paper and def can't make good sentences out of those thoughts. On here, I'm usually a 3-4x a week person...now, I'm like uninspired or something. At work, its much worse. I usually write 8-10 single spaced pages a of text a day. Writing about my opinions on our investments and what our strategy w/the name should be. Today, it took me 5 hours to write less than 2 pages on Hilton Hotels acquisition of Hilton International...we're going to be funding this $5.71 Billion acquisition and I can't fucking my thoughts on paper.

I reread what I wrote today around 5:30...and it made almost no sense to me. I think I need another vacation...or maybe just a lil work trip somewhere nice...like South Beach...Oh wait, I'm already doing that in 12 days...fuck yea!

So, while I can't write...here's something awesome

This aint bad either

Friday, January 20, 2006

10 new careers

I want to own a bar, and work behind the bar once a month or so.
I want to to be a lawyer, but never practice law
I want to be a cop, but only for the power trip
I want to be a professor, in history
I want to teach 11th grade
I want to be a pilot, both in the Air Force and commercially
I want to start my own company from scratch, and sell actual items
I want to teach or lead scuba diving excursions on a tropical island, nothing to extravagant, just a 20 ft boat and a 20 foot reef
I want to be a Doctor, but don't want to practice, just want to be able to diagnose things and write my own prescriptions
I want to be a movie critic and write articles about really bad movies

Tuesday, January 17, 2006

Gotta Post - PR

Gotta post something before I get yelled at again...

The only good thing about turning 25, besides being able to get 24 year old girls, is being able to rent a car. I'm pretty sure I didn't do that the whole year, oh well.

The steward (though he was as close to a stewardess that a man can be) on my flight to P.R. was nuts. He asked my mom for the comics in her newspaper like 4 times before she went digging for it, found it, and gave it to him. He was also trying to be "smart" by being a little standoffish; however, it just made him look crazy.

I got a text message from Noll when i landed in PR. All it said was "Are you watching the game?" I didn't even know what game he was talking about and when I tried to text him back, it didn't go through b/c we were in PR. I spent the next 2 days trying to find out what happened in what random game on Wednesday night.

I totally have a golfers tan. Different from a farmers tan in 4 ways. My sock line is not a sandal or half way up my calf but is just below the ankle. I have sunglass tan lines around my eyes. I have a left wrist tan line b/c I was wearing a glove on that hand. I have a V neck golf shirt tan line.

My niece has a nickname for me, Ababa, which kinda sounds something like Uncle Ben. I wonder if she'll remember it when I see her next time.

Oh yea, our condo over looked the ocean and the 4th hole of one of the golf courses. So, on Saturday, with everyone watching...I hit a ball off the tee to within 1 foot of the whole. Yea, sports-wise, test-wise, anything w/pressure...and I'm your man...clutch :).

My mom or dad took a picture of us on the golf course that was 10 megs big. Rememeber when computers only used to have 80 meg of space...this file woudl be 1/8 of our whole 1993 computer memory.

I took ambien on my flight last night...it doesn't make me sleep...it makes me go unconscious. I mean, I blinked and we landed 4 hours later. no dreams. Its like no time passed at all. Baby's crying, food cart, none of it happened. I hardly remember my cab ride home and I think I was on the phone for that whole ride. Thank god I took it though b/c w/o that, I would have only gotten 4 hours last night, instead of 8.

Car Accidents are 390x worse than terrorism. Why don't we put some money into safer cars and roads?

And this is one of the funniest videos I've ever seen

Thursday, January 05, 2006

Pink's Rules for Life


Pink’s Rules for Life (and Ben’s commentary)

Obviously, I had to edit in order to make it legible to the untrained eye.


Rule One - A month before your birthday you can say your older, unless you want to be younger, then you can be younger until the day before your birthday. For example, if your Mom is like, “You’re 22, buy your own clothes.” You can respond, “No, I’m only 21.” However, if she’s says, “You cannot date a boy that old.” You can reply, “Mom, I’m 22 years old, I can date whoever I want!”
(actually, that rule is perfect, can’t really respond to it)

Rule Two - If you are ever going to have a threesome, you ALWAYS invite a girl you are NOT close with. First if she is your best friend you’ll both have to see her again, and that can be awkward. Secondly, there is no jealousy between you and someone you hardly know! I would never have a threesome but when I was going to I definitely followed those rules.
(sometimes she’s serious, other times she’s not, but she’s always teasing me)

Rule Three - No one in life should ever say the following phrase "I’m going to beat you till you bleed, then beat you for bleeding" LIKE EVER!
(I should get that rule tattooed on my arm so I don’t forget, I hope it doesn’t slip out randomly when I’m drunk one night)

Rule Four - All food taste dramatically better when you use smaller utensils.
(I agree. I once ate a steak with a toothpick and when I finally got the first bite in my mouth, it was 3 hours later and it tasted phenomenal)

Rule Number Whatever - Never howl at the receptionist when she walks in because you think she looks hot!
(You can’t make that a rule, that’s an uncontrollable reflex action. We’re guys. We see a hot receptionist. We howl. I think its genetic)

Another Rule - If you are on a first date, and you order a drink, and she orders a soda, and you want a sip, you ALWAYS ask, you NEVER just take! yea that has happened to me!
(No way - This is the way I understand first dates to operate. I'm paying for all her food. Therefore, technically, anything on the table is actually mine and I'm technically giving her permission to eat my food and drink my soda.)

A Mentos Rule - If you are going to buy Mentos, you have the buy the box and not the roll. This way you can pick and choose which flavor you want. It’s like illegal to buy the roll because it’s so stupid to do that.
(a great justification for any rule is that if you didn’t follow the rule someone might say “it’s so stupid to do that. I’ve never even seen the Mentos box, I’m definitely a roll guy.)

Rule - If a girl tells you what she wants to eat, it means you should order for her.
(is this true? I’ve never heard of that? No wonder no one wants a second date from me)

Well its like 80 percent true. Some girls just don’t like when guys do that. A lot do. At least everyone I’m friends with. Also if the waiter goes to take your order and she waits for you to talk, it means you order both. Always wait for her to first. That’s a given, or you can say, “and she is going to have (pause)” and see if she picks up where you left off. If she doesn’t order for herself, you keep going :)
(ok, good trick that I will totally screw up 10x if I don't have a pad to write down what she wants)

Celebrity Rule - If you are Britney Spears, divorce Kevin. If you are Eminem do not remarry Kim
(Here’s a rule, don’t make rules while you are reading US Weekly)

Rule Pink Wishes Other Girls Knew - If you are heavy, wear a long shirt. There is no need to show your stomach. We can all see it from miles away! My old bff was fat and always wore short shirts.
(Isn’t this the same as the Mentos rule, I mean, no rolls right?)

Last Rule – If your mom gets pregnant, push her down the stairs b/c little sisters are evil.
(No way, My sisters rock. Yesterday, they met me at volleyball and took me for a drink for my birthday even though I really don’t like getting old and my little sister made brownies. I mean, little sisters aren’t good for much, but I’ll take them if they come w/hot friends and brownies)

Tuesday, January 03, 2006

Mom Know's Best

My mom had to send me this today b/c 6 weeks ago I mentioned how smoking pot might help hangovers...

Dumbest Article Ever - I mean, the cure to hangovers is not drinking...hmmm

Monday, January 02, 2006

Only 10

I think I really miss my Hoboken friends. I got drinks w/Dave (my old neighbor) this week and have seen a few here and there, but I do not see JF, DB, AB, DC, LC, JL, PG, AP, EZ, SS, EM, ET, and GH enough. So sad.

I think that bad food can give me a headache.

I think I met a really cool person this week.

I think I'm never paying alot of money for new years. 2 years in a row, it was cheap and easy and loads of fun...and we planned the night as the night went on.

I think my roommates girlfriend is a very good driver...Better than my roommate and I might end up liking her more than him by the end of this :).

I think MB is nuts, and it makes her totally fun.

I think Brita water tastes worse than regular water, but there is so much less floating around in the water.

I think I said 5 dumb things to 4 smart people this week...and they all let me know it.

I think I want to grow my hair long...but I think I'm worried the transition will be painful

I think that 25 was awesome...and I don't think 26 will be better, and that's why birthdays are depressing!!

I know that Puerto Rico is going to be awesome. Fucking awesome.