Pink’s Rules for Life (and Ben’s commentary)
Obviously, I had to edit in order to make it legible to the untrained eye.
Rule One - A month before your birthday you can say your older, unless you want to be younger, then you can be younger until the day before your birthday. For example, if your Mom is like, “You’re 22, buy your own clothes.” You can respond, “No, I’m only 21.” However, if she’s says, “You cannot date a boy that old.” You can reply, “Mom, I’m 22 years old, I can date whoever I want!”
(actually, that rule is perfect, can’t really respond to it)
Rule Two - If you are ever going to have a threesome, you ALWAYS invite a girl you are NOT close with. First if she is your best friend you’ll both have to see her again, and that can be awkward. Secondly, there is no jealousy between you and someone you hardly know! I would never have a threesome but when I was going to I definitely followed those rules.
(sometimes she’s serious, other times she’s not, but she’s always teasing me)
Rule Three - No one in life should ever say the following phrase "I’m going to beat you till you bleed, then beat you for bleeding" LIKE EVER!
(I should get that rule tattooed on my arm so I don’t forget, I hope it doesn’t slip out randomly when I’m drunk one night)
Rule Four - All food taste dramatically better when you use smaller utensils.
(I agree. I once ate a steak with a toothpick and when I finally got the first bite in my mouth, it was 3 hours later and it tasted phenomenal)
Rule Number Whatever - Never howl at the receptionist when she walks in because you think she looks hot!
(You can’t make that a rule, that’s an uncontrollable reflex action. We’re guys. We see a hot receptionist. We howl. I think its genetic)
Another Rule - If you are on a first date, and you order a drink, and she orders a soda, and you want a sip, you ALWAYS ask, you NEVER just take! yea that has happened to me!
(No way - This is the way I understand first dates to operate. I'm paying for all her food. Therefore, technically, anything on the table is actually mine and I'm technically giving her permission to eat my food and drink my soda.)
A Mentos Rule - If you are going to buy Mentos, you have the buy the box and not the roll. This way you can pick and choose which flavor you want. It’s like illegal to buy the roll because it’s so stupid to do that.
(a great justification for any rule is that if you didn’t follow the rule someone might say “it’s so stupid to do that. I’ve never even seen the Mentos box, I’m definitely a roll guy.)
Rule - If a girl tells you what she wants to eat, it means you should order for her.
(is this true? I’ve never heard of that? No wonder no one wants a second date from me)
Well its like 80 percent true. Some girls just don’t like when guys do that. A lot do. At least everyone I’m friends with. Also if the waiter goes to take your order and she waits for you to talk, it means you order both. Always wait for her to first. That’s a given, or you can say, “and she is going to have (pause)” and see if she picks up where you left off. If she doesn’t order for herself, you keep going :)
(ok, good trick that I will totally screw up 10x if I don't have a pad to write down what she wants)
Celebrity Rule - If you are Britney Spears, divorce Kevin. If you are Eminem do not remarry Kim
(Here’s a rule, don’t make rules while you are reading US Weekly)
Rule Pink Wishes Other Girls Knew - If you are heavy, wear a long shirt. There is no need to show your stomach. We can all see it from miles away! My old bff was fat and always wore short shirts.
(Isn’t this the same as the Mentos rule, I mean, no rolls right?)
Last Rule – If your mom gets pregnant, push her down the stairs b/c little sisters are evil.
(No way, My sisters rock. Yesterday, they met me at volleyball and took me for a drink for my birthday even though I really don’t like getting old and my little sister made brownies. I mean, little sisters aren’t good for much, but I’ll take them if they come w/hot friends and brownies)