Sunday, February 26, 2006

STITIT and TILATW

Some things I think I think:

I think I've been to 4 restaurants recently that were cash or American Express. I'm not sure if this is a new trend but I don't think that I went to any restaurants like that in my previous 12 months in the city

I think Tequila is my new drug of Choice. Went to La Palapa and got a pitcher of frozen margarita, then went home and made more, causing me to be in a great mood all night long :).

I think Sunday's with no football / 6 Feet Under / Entourage / Sopranos kinda suck.

I think it was nice giving my roommate a taste of his own medicine this week. His girlfriend was celebrating teacher week in Puerto Vallarta and left him behind alone. On Thursday night he starts complaining that I have not been around all week and he's got nothing to do when he gets home from work. All I could do was laugh, I mean, I think the situation has been the exact reverse for the last 5 months!

I think every girl with 5 extra pounds or more goes out in these horrible shirts now a days. I'm talking about these shirts that are tight around the boob area and then spread out to be very lose around the waist. I understand this shirt might help some people be a little less self conscious, but I think your shirt looks a cross between a prego shirt a boob shirt and a children's dress JonBenet Ramsey would wear to her competitions that you somehow squeezed into. I don't think people should be wearing bathing suit cover ups to bars

I think Sasha Cohen, Sarah Hughes and Emily Hughes are all hot and Jewish ice skaters. I don't think I've purchased a porn ever, but I think I'd buy theirs.

I think I had about 2 months back in November when I had free time, I think those months are over.

I think I saw Newman on TV and I hardly recognized him because I think he lost 200 pounds. I think its great for him to be healthy, but quite bad for his career.

I think I've written about the really stupid sayings on the inside of Dove wrappers, however, I think I got one that said "You look good in red" on the same day I was wearing my red shirt.

I think that I've been totally wrong about being nice to people in my building. Yes, I have to live with them, but I think if my unkindness gets them to move out, and keeps rents low because of higher turnover, then better for me!

I think I got a raise on Friday for no reason at all. I think my superiors think I'm doing a good job and actually want me to stick around for a long time.

I think alot of people don't know anything about hailing a cab in NY. I think people don't realize that if the light is off, there are people in the cab and that if the middle lights and the outside lights are on then the cab is out of service. I also think that people who try to get cabs at the intersections of major roads are idiots. A cab is not going to stop in the crosswalk or in the actual intersection to pick you up, I think you're much better off in the middle of a block.

I think I purchased an external hard drive to back up my computer for the first time in 4 years. I wonder how many people actually do that.

I think I want to kill that fucking groundhog.

Things I lied About This Week:

I told someone that I'm ok with dating a social smoker.

I told someone that I was 33 years old, making me 400 days older than her.

I told someone that I'd read a book I'd never heard of.

I told someone I didn't call them back because I was sick over the weekend.

I told someone that I was allergic to water, and she told me her Dad says that all the time as well. (creepy)

I told 3 people that I liked Norwegian Death Metal and that I started liking it when I went into a store in northern London during the summer after I graduated college.

I told someone last night that it was nice to meet them. It wasn't.

Thursday, February 23, 2006

New Q

I posted a new Q&A. The link is on the right but from now on you'll have to check that on your own.

Jen wanted me to post something she wrote, b/c she wants to be a writer. Feel free to comment on her writing.

"This city is filled with suites and lattes. Ipods and blackberries. Hustle and Bustle. Sadly, no one even has the time or the patience to grab a salad anymore. We eat at our desks instead of dining. We text message instead of calling. We start to talk the way we type to our clients saying things like "via" and "per your request." And in the process, we lose a little more of ourselves each day, surrendering to the mass vaccuum we call New York City, which inevitably sucks us in by the moment. I call myself a New Yorker at heart but, in all honesty, I don't just want to be another suite, another latte, another face in the crowd."

Tuesday, February 21, 2006

Toes - Mike Story

So, one of my new volleyball buddies, who just moved down from Toronto, breaks into this story while we are waiting for the train after our match. I'm going to tell it from his perspective, its better that way.

Ok, so I just finished up this average date and was drunk around the meatpacking area. I'm about to get into this cap and go home and this girl sticks her head out of the SUV and asks me where I'm going and if I want to come along w/her? So, I'm kinda drunk and ready to go home so I say, "na no thanks" and she kinda reaches into her shirt a little and pulls it down and gives me this hot sexy look. Now, I hesitate for a second and then just get into the cab. So about 10 blocks later, they pull next to the cab, I can see that its a guy driving the SUV and the girl in the passenger seat. I roll down the window and she's like, "If you come with us I'll show you my boobs." I can totally tell they are really nice and big and obviously fake and I yell back "show me now." So she pulls one of them out for a second and the cabbie and I are in shock but the light turns green and my cabbie takes off. So I yell to him to hold on b/c I'm drunk and can't think straight and he's like, "pay fair and get out." So I give the guy like six bux and get out of the cab and get into the SUV. I start thinking, they are going to take out a gun, and kill me or she's a working girl or something like that. So I start asking questions like "are they dating?" and "do they always do this?" and "where are we going?" and they just keep dodging the questions but finally just say they are just going to drive me home. So I tell them where I live downtown and they start driving. So, after about a minute I'm like, "so, can I see your tits now?" and she's like "sure" and takes them out and is still facing forward and they are amazing. And we're around my apt by now and the guy pulls over and starts rubbing her tits. And I can't believe what I'm seeing but I can't think of how this is going to end up good. Of course, I ask if I can touch and she kinda turns around into the middle area and I'm playing with them and I start kissing them and grabbing her and whatnot and the guy starts moving the car. He's like "we're infront of a bank, I gotta move it away from the cameras." So we move to an ally and I keep playing w/her and rubbing her and touching her and the guy sticks his hand down his pants and I start to think that he's going to pull out a gun. But no, he just starts playing with himself. He doesn't take it out or anything b/c I couldn't handle that but I keep "playing" for a few more minutes and then I get out of the car and go home. I mean, who are these people? Does this happen all over new york? Where they just a kinky couple?

And I'm like...wow...welcome to NY, Canada.

Ok, so thats my right and left big toes after volleyball tonight. And they are worse than they look in the pictures. I'm starting to think I need new shoes.

Monday, February 20, 2006

Happy Teacher Week

This week is Teacher week in NY. You can go out for drinks any night of the week and meet a disproportionate amount of public school teachers. They all have off from school this week, and have made plans to go out most nights. If you ever wanted to have a one nighter, or meet a teacher, or hook up w/a drunken teacher at the bar...this is your week.

Monday, February 13, 2006

Saturday, February 11, 2006

Q&A

If a Muslim male suicide bomber gets 70 virgins when he goes to heaven, what does a Muslim female suicide bomber get? Just one of those questions that keeps me up at night.

What happens to a woman who kills herself hardly keeps me up at night. The things that keep me up at night are usually alive and kick in their sleep or pertain to nuclear holocausts. I’m sorry this troubles you so much. I think the real question is, “What’s so great about 72 virgins anyway?” Maybe I don’t get it, but if I die, I’d rather have about 6 really good and clean strippers or “working girls.” I mean, how boring would the sex be with 72 virgin Muslim women. I’m sorry, but you’d have to have sex with each of them at least 25x before they loosened up enough to make the sex fun and enjoyable. Now, if my math is correct, that’s 1,800 fucks or almost 5 years of sex if you have sex once a day before the sex is good. I’m sorry, but that’s just not that exciting to me. I’m pretty sure that the ultimate would involve me and 2 different experienced girls at the same time on an unlimited basis.

The obvious answer to your question is that they become one of the virgins. However, I’d argue that they get much luckier, and are reincarnated as a Americans.

What happened to Arnoldbabar, Hattsofftomarge, Pink, Happyface, Iowa, and IrwinMaurice?

Arnold, Hatts, and Irwin moved to Florida and have given up on keeping up w/the journal. Pink started being not so nice to me, and after a week I wrote something back that wasn’t so nice either. So she blocked me on IM and I have not talked to her in about a month :(. Iowa sent me an email that it was unhealthy to be friends with me because we were not dating anymore. I’m not sure if it’s because she has a new boyfriend or if she’s just very mature, smart and liked me and didn’t want to get led on. Kinda sux, but I understand.

Why do men find women with those horrible fake nail attractive? I understand finding it attractive a girl who keeps herself clean and kempt, but sometimes those things get a little "out of hand" no pun intended.

I can’t stand fake nails if they are longer than ½ an inch. If they’re short, then they don’t look too horrible and then I don’t understand the question b/c I don’t think anyone likes the way those 2 inch fake nails look except loud girls with big butts on the subway. Oh, and you’re way to smart to get away with that “no pun intended” bull shit. You intended. I know you did.

What are the salaries for major Broadway show stars, for example, for the actor who plays the phantom or for the actor who plays Sweeney Todd? On the one hand they bring in lot of money for the theaters and producers, but on the other there is fierce competition for the positions, so many actors would do it for essentially nothing.

The big actors, with big names, bring sales and profits and thus get paid for it. The unknown leads, don’t get nearly the money they should. However, because of union contracts and whatnot, I’ve discovered that, “the minimum weekly salary for actors in Broadway productions as of June 30, 2005 was $1,422. Actors in Off-Broadway theaters received minimums ranging from $493 to $857 a week as of October 23, 2005, depending on the seating capacity of the theater.“

The Olympics begin tomorrow are you big Olympics person?

I was a big Olympics person when I was 8...maybe I enjoyed while in college...but I like the 1 off events that are never on TV. I hate swimming and running and that's pretty much all they show in the summer. I’ve . I’ve written extensively on how those 90 metals should be 4. In the winter, I want to see the ski jumping, the moguls and the luge, not figure skating, hockey, and the 95 speed skating races all at different lengths. Maybe I'd watch a speed skating marathon...like a 20 mile skate. That would be good.

Anyway, I'll watch when on...but I'm not spending a night at home watching opening ceremonies.

Do you know people who do that?

No, and if I did, I wouldn't be friends w/them anymore. Maybe I'll try to figure out when the luge is on FX and DVR it. Then I can watch it on Tuesday night when everyone is watching figure skating. (Judged events are not sports...they are competitions, but that’s a whole other article that I may have written already)

As a side note/post script. I turned on the opening ceremony tonight. Boy, was that a waste of 4 hours. I can’t imagine watching them being exciting or interesting unless you are there. And for the most interesting note of the evening: The US Olympians are wearing Roots clothing for the third games in a row. HELLO AMERICA, Roots is the largest Canadian clothing brand.

Did you hear the weather report? SNOW!

Where would I hear the weather report? I get my weather from 2 sources, A) Online, (and usually yahoo's front page which still thinks I live in Hoboken and just tells me what its currently like) or B) by walking outside.

Anyway, the answer is "No, but it’s about time!"

Why is it when you ask people what kind of music they like, 90% of them will say "Everything but country"? Real country music isn't that bad, and when they say everything do they really mean it - like, everything as in Norwegian Death Metal and Britney Spears included? I've never understood this statement.

I hate that question in general. The only people who ask me that question are people who I’ve known for less than 10 minutes. When that question comes up, I usually start lying to them b/c obviously I’m bored if I let the conversation get to that point. If I were interested, I’d be asking the questions and would be staying away from really horrible topics like “Where’d you go to school?” and “What do you do?” I pretty much categorize the “What kind of music do you listen to?” as the “Do you come here often?” of the 80’s.

I’m like a politician dodging this question, probably b/c I usually just answer “Everything but country.” From now on, I’m going to start using “Norwegian Death Metal.” Actually, I’m going to try to get that phrase into at least one conversation a day. That’ll make my life slightly more interesting. Soon I’ll have people at work asking me why I keep referring to that kind of music and I’ll need good stories on how I got hooked on the stuff. Wow, I could kill 20 hours at work just dreaming of good “Norwegian Death Metal” stories. (Still dodging the question)

As always, to submit a question, email askbens@yahoo.com

Thursday, February 09, 2006

Florida

Ok, so spend 5 days in Florida, 1 in West Palm with grandma and 4 in South Beach at a JP Morgan conference.

Of course, when grandma asked, I gave her and her boyfriend my last 2 business cards. Always good to be at a work conference sans business cards.

My grandma's boyfriend, ordered this for breakfast at IHOP - Egg whites microwaved, pancakes with no butter, trade my bacon for two extra pancakes, a pot of hot water, water with a lemon and a straw, and hot syrup microwaved. I can't really figure out the difference between brunch with him and brunch with half the girls I date.

My mom's cousin through marriage, is 88 and has about 1,000 one liners that he says he's putting in a book. They're all something like this: "If 80% of the West Palm Beach population suffer from diarrhea, do the other 20% enjoy it?"

This guy told me all these stories about my grandfather who I'm named after and my grandmothers father who I also never met. Made the 3 hour dinner w/8 people over 80 almost bearable. Esp since I didn't really get any stories out of her this time.

So, grandma and boyfriend live 15 minutes from the train station that they have never been to. So, for a 10:47 train, we leave at 9:33 and I sit for an hour and wait. I purchased a paper and finished it before the train came.

I had a dream that I was in camp again, or maybe it was one of those weird camp reunions that takes place at camp kinda like that movie Indian Summer. Anyway, random people interacting. People I had not seen in 11 years. I looked one up on friendster and asked her if it was weirder that I had the dream, or that I messaged her to tell her about it. Very curious if she writes back.

My flight was $75 each way. My taxi's to and from the airport were around $90 each way.

My cab driver to a club in Miami was totally singing Dido, Here with Me, creepy.

Some Things I Think I learned:

I think I learned that all old people are crazy, in the exact same way 25 year old girls are. I think they act the way they do b/c their mothers acted that way, and thus, it's acceptable.

I think I learned that my grandmother must be an amazing woman, being 90 and dating a 75 year old man who treats her like gold.

I think I learned that someone wrote a book about the 30 or 100 most amazing American women 30 or 50 years ago and my grandmother's got a chapter. How did I not know this? It would have helped me explain the previous thing I learned better than the "she must put out" excuse.

I think I learned that I could never work or go to school in a warm climate. I would never go to work or school or sleep.

I think I learned that my abilities to talk to corporate executives of billion dollar companies with relative ease while hungover and bullshitting.

I think I learned that DVR's are not 100% reliable. I think my first 7 days having DVR were great. Then I went to Florida, The Superbowl went 20 minutes too long, and I got the last 20 min of the game instead of my Grey's recording and thus missed the last 20 minutes of it! And everyone keeps telling me it was an amazing episode.

I think I learned that Superbowl advertisements that are not aired, are much funnier. Check out all the rejected GoDaddy.com advertisements. Very Funny.

I think I learned that my niece is genuinely cute, like seriously:

Wednesday, February 01, 2006

Random Funniness

I've discovered that if you wish for ETERNAL MISERY when wishing at the bottom of those random chain letters, you don't have to send them along b/c if, like most chain letters say, the opposite will happen, that would be what you wanted in the first place.

This could be the funniest and saddest thing I've seen. A grown man crying about professional wrestling and the impact its had on his life as a fan

This is a phenomenal SNL skit

Sign up to have Nike athletes Maria Sharapova, Amare Stoudemire, or Alex Rodriguez (among others) give your friends untimely wake-up calls (and if you don't think I just got a call from A-Rod verifying that it works, you're nuts). I foresee this ending badly.

http://69.20.126.52/

The REAL RULES ..... Real men know the rules...or do they? We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side. These are our rules! Please note ... these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!
1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
1. Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!
1. Yes, and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.
1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.
1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is a vegetable. We have no idea what mauve is.
1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.
1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as Hockey, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.
1. You have enough clothes.
1. You have too many shoes.
1. I am in shape. Round is a shape.
1. Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know men really don't mind that, it's like camping.