Saturday, February 11, 2006

Q&A

If a Muslim male suicide bomber gets 70 virgins when he goes to heaven, what does a Muslim female suicide bomber get? Just one of those questions that keeps me up at night.

What happens to a woman who kills herself hardly keeps me up at night. The things that keep me up at night are usually alive and kick in their sleep or pertain to nuclear holocausts. I’m sorry this troubles you so much. I think the real question is, “What’s so great about 72 virgins anyway?” Maybe I don’t get it, but if I die, I’d rather have about 6 really good and clean strippers or “working girls.” I mean, how boring would the sex be with 72 virgin Muslim women. I’m sorry, but you’d have to have sex with each of them at least 25x before they loosened up enough to make the sex fun and enjoyable. Now, if my math is correct, that’s 1,800 fucks or almost 5 years of sex if you have sex once a day before the sex is good. I’m sorry, but that’s just not that exciting to me. I’m pretty sure that the ultimate would involve me and 2 different experienced girls at the same time on an unlimited basis.

The obvious answer to your question is that they become one of the virgins. However, I’d argue that they get much luckier, and are reincarnated as a Americans.

What happened to Arnoldbabar, Hattsofftomarge, Pink, Happyface, Iowa, and IrwinMaurice?

Arnold, Hatts, and Irwin moved to Florida and have given up on keeping up w/the journal. Pink started being not so nice to me, and after a week I wrote something back that wasn’t so nice either. So she blocked me on IM and I have not talked to her in about a month :(. Iowa sent me an email that it was unhealthy to be friends with me because we were not dating anymore. I’m not sure if it’s because she has a new boyfriend or if she’s just very mature, smart and liked me and didn’t want to get led on. Kinda sux, but I understand.

Why do men find women with those horrible fake nail attractive? I understand finding it attractive a girl who keeps herself clean and kempt, but sometimes those things get a little "out of hand" no pun intended.

I can’t stand fake nails if they are longer than ½ an inch. If they’re short, then they don’t look too horrible and then I don’t understand the question b/c I don’t think anyone likes the way those 2 inch fake nails look except loud girls with big butts on the subway. Oh, and you’re way to smart to get away with that “no pun intended” bull shit. You intended. I know you did.

What are the salaries for major Broadway show stars, for example, for the actor who plays the phantom or for the actor who plays Sweeney Todd? On the one hand they bring in lot of money for the theaters and producers, but on the other there is fierce competition for the positions, so many actors would do it for essentially nothing.

The big actors, with big names, bring sales and profits and thus get paid for it. The unknown leads, don’t get nearly the money they should. However, because of union contracts and whatnot, I’ve discovered that, “the minimum weekly salary for actors in Broadway productions as of June 30, 2005 was $1,422. Actors in Off-Broadway theaters received minimums ranging from $493 to $857 a week as of October 23, 2005, depending on the seating capacity of the theater.“

The Olympics begin tomorrow are you big Olympics person?

I was a big Olympics person when I was 8...maybe I enjoyed while in college...but I like the 1 off events that are never on TV. I hate swimming and running and that's pretty much all they show in the summer. I’ve . I’ve written extensively on how those 90 metals should be 4. In the winter, I want to see the ski jumping, the moguls and the luge, not figure skating, hockey, and the 95 speed skating races all at different lengths. Maybe I'd watch a speed skating marathon...like a 20 mile skate. That would be good.

Anyway, I'll watch when on...but I'm not spending a night at home watching opening ceremonies.

Do you know people who do that?

No, and if I did, I wouldn't be friends w/them anymore. Maybe I'll try to figure out when the luge is on FX and DVR it. Then I can watch it on Tuesday night when everyone is watching figure skating. (Judged events are not sports...they are competitions, but that’s a whole other article that I may have written already)

As a side note/post script. I turned on the opening ceremony tonight. Boy, was that a waste of 4 hours. I can’t imagine watching them being exciting or interesting unless you are there. And for the most interesting note of the evening: The US Olympians are wearing Roots clothing for the third games in a row. HELLO AMERICA, Roots is the largest Canadian clothing brand.

Did you hear the weather report? SNOW!

Where would I hear the weather report? I get my weather from 2 sources, A) Online, (and usually yahoo's front page which still thinks I live in Hoboken and just tells me what its currently like) or B) by walking outside.

Anyway, the answer is "No, but it’s about time!"

Why is it when you ask people what kind of music they like, 90% of them will say "Everything but country"? Real country music isn't that bad, and when they say everything do they really mean it - like, everything as in Norwegian Death Metal and Britney Spears included? I've never understood this statement.

I hate that question in general. The only people who ask me that question are people who I’ve known for less than 10 minutes. When that question comes up, I usually start lying to them b/c obviously I’m bored if I let the conversation get to that point. If I were interested, I’d be asking the questions and would be staying away from really horrible topics like “Where’d you go to school?” and “What do you do?” I pretty much categorize the “What kind of music do you listen to?” as the “Do you come here often?” of the 80’s.

I’m like a politician dodging this question, probably b/c I usually just answer “Everything but country.” From now on, I’m going to start using “Norwegian Death Metal.” Actually, I’m going to try to get that phrase into at least one conversation a day. That’ll make my life slightly more interesting. Soon I’ll have people at work asking me why I keep referring to that kind of music and I’ll need good stories on how I got hooked on the stuff. Wow, I could kill 20 hours at work just dreaming of good “Norwegian Death Metal” stories. (Still dodging the question)

As always, to submit a question, email askbens@yahoo.com

4 comments:

Suzanne said...

I love this part of your website. It should become it's own full-time column. You're better than Ann Landers, Dear Abby, and Dear Prudence. With just a dash of Dan Savage. I love it!

Anonymous said...

Ok, so I am making a comment anonymously. Congratulations, you did manage to incorporate Norwegian Death Metal into a routine conversation. Suffice it to say, that particular conversation was highly reminiscent of the blog paragraph, but I hadn't read it yet, and so I'll give you credit for it :)

Anonymous said...

by the way, the US ski team is ALL clothed by the one and only Tommy Hilfiger USA http://www.tommy.com/about/about_us.aspx?cat=US%20Freestyle%20Ski%20Team
(if youre interested, ill see if i can get you a discout!)

Meistro said...

Happyface is doing well too...still around and kicking ass