I feel like this kind of entry is really boring for some, and interesting for others. For me, it was inspired writing, inspired by Amy. Though somewhat overdramatic (authors are allowed to exaggerate right?), this is something I actually edited.
What do you fantasize about?
I’ve always fantasized about doing something to get noticed. Desiring to be remembered as someone above the rest, AS A MAN among boys, A GOD among men. Most of you know, or assume, I think of myself this way. I’ll fantasize about wining lottery so that I could give most of it away. I’ll fantasize about things like playing volleyball after losing a leg. I’ll fantasize about being pitied. I’ll fantasize about pulling someone from in front of a moving car, and getting hit in the process. Just 2 nights ago, I had a dream that I leapt from a staircase and fell 2 flights to catch a baby. Does everyone do that? Why do I?
But I’ve always been HARD TO READ, and closed. It’s not bad though; I’m obviously strong and secure and confident. I just get into a funk sometimes, have a bad day WITH CONFIDENCE and I struggle to FEEL SECURE. I’ve got no idea where those feelings come from.
I never ask for help, hardly ASK FOR ADVICE, and wouldn’t take it if it were offered. My mother readily offers SUGGESTIONS AND SUPPORT, and maybe that’s why I’ve always been so reluctant to take it from anyone. It’s been years since I took someone else’s advice, (except about job stuff). Its stilly how much support I could have if I wanted it. On Friday, my Mother called me just to tell me that I AM NOT AN IDIOT and that the things that happened to me last weekend happen to everyone. She even felt the need to reiterate this at the end of the phone convo as well, just incase I had doubts. Maybe it’s sad, but its been a long time since I felt like I needed support. (My Bar Mitzvah)
Some people think I SHOULD TALK, but I never have. I do not talk about anything. I wouldn't know what to talk about, wouldn't know what to say...wouldn't know what getting it out is. I don't know what to say. I DO NOT TALK ABOUT ANYTHING. I don't know if my writing counts as expressing myself. Some might think so, some might not. I don't know if I feel things the same way others do, and I don't know if I care if I can or can't or do express myself. I don't know if I have emotions like normal people have emotions. I do not talk about anything.
There are things like the fact that I've NEVER been in a fight, where I question my own primal instincts, but they are so useless in this society. I've always just thought of confrontation as low class, BELOW MYSELF, stupid and meaningless because I'M A MAN among boys, I'm one person above the rest. In 6th grade, I remember feeling that fighting was TOO PRIMAL for me. But acts of aggression can be liberating, inspiring, and life changing, and I don’t know them that well.
I should be going out, and getting drunk, and puking, and talking to people, and screwing people, and pissing people off, and being nasty, and being aggressive...I just feel shy sometimes...I don't talk to people I don't know. I don't walk up to girls. The one's I've dated, that I've met at bars, they've come to me. I do not talk to anyone.
Everyone goes through that phase of being a little DIRTIER...but I never have. I've never gone slummin, or hoggin, or done charity work, or even slept w/someone I didn't know for less than 6 months....(hoggin and charity work are very similar...kinda like, you have not gotten some in a while, so you just pick a not so attractive girl, and make her month) I've never hooked up w/someone I didn't intend to call the next day...but if you're going hoggin, or doing charity work, or even slumming it, you've obviously decided before you even walked up to the girl, that you were not going to call her. BEING A DICK can be liberating.
Chivalry is forgotten. Its been replaced by aggressive, meat heads who do roids, wear chains, and black undershirts and reek of the cosmetics section at Macy's. They walk around like gods, but they look like PAWNS TO ME. I pity the good girls. They must hate guys, judging us men on the few that have the balls to walk up to them and talk to them. Its unfortunate, that the BALCO boys are the ones they must fend through. No wonder they end up with people 20 years older, at clubs I'll never hear about, in places I've never been. This is the only way they can escape from the herd.
We honorable men have no place in the bar scene. Most people I talk to when out, wrongly think I'm hitting on them, when in reality, as with most of my life, I'm just looking for inspiration. I'm looking for someone who's so interesting that I AM INSPIRED to talk to them the next day. No one sees this. My roommates girlfriends must think that I'm a predator, when in actuality, I've only gone for one (We have yet to determine why she didn't call me back, but lets just say I might have been a little to inspired). When they see me now, they look past me like some guy who struck out or missed his shot, while I know better. I know that they were one who categorized me and judged me and didn't realize I was looking for a best friend first, and a hookup second. I feel that my friendliness is constantly MISCONSTRUED as PREDATORY.
Yet, everyone is different. There is no RIGHT way to do anything. The only WRONG way, is not to try. I WILL CONTINUE TO TRY, as big a waste of my time as that might be.
In the interim, I should STOP TRYING so hard, and I should TRY HARDER. Focus on what I can control, and focus away from that which I can't. I should buy that apartment, I should open that bar, I should start that company, I should run that company, I should sell that idea, I should STOP CHASING that which should come to me. I SHOULD.
I’m not sure that it counts for getting it off my chest if I don't post this. It was a strange evening that provoked this, its not me, but a point in time glance at emotion. The above is NOT me, but an idea I conceived and expanded upon. Similar to my posting in Nov 14, 2004, when I came home really pissed off Obviously, I’m still putting a little too much weight toward the opposite sex. Some things need to be said, whether right or wrong, truthful or lies, there's no reason to hide things from the blind.