Sunday, July 30, 2006

Thinking About My Life

I think I'm not handling stress as well as I used to, or even as well as I did last year. Tests were one thing, but I think I'm anxious about my job, and girls, and inspiration, and numerous other things and I think its making me angry, and bitter, and curt, and petulant, and unfriendly. Thus, I think I'm not being very nice to some people because of it.

I think its about that time in my life when I grow up, make tougher decisions, and act like a man. Not that I haven't been making my own decisions for a very long time, but I think I've made some silly, stupid, immature decisions recently and I think it's time to act like that noble person I aspire to be.

I think I'm starting to understand how important family really is, and I think as much time as you all think I spend with them, I think I like them in my life.

I finished The Kite Runner today and I think I have so much in common with the main character's personality. Most of you could figure that out from previous writing on being scared, on being chivalrous, and on being brave, but I think the book inspired me.

I think I've been battling with the purpose and point of my life.

I think every day I feel more lucky to be the person I am, with the opportunity I have, and the family I have and yet, somehow, that makes everyday harder. I think I owe.

I think I don't deserve, I think I don't have the ambition to make a difference, and I think a better person would do more with what I have been given.

I think I desire "to fight for the right without question or pause, to be willing to march into hell for a heavenly cause", but I don't think I have the guts. I think about those who did have the guts, and sacrificed for me, and are still willing to do the same all over again. I'm not sure this translates to paper well, and I'm writing it for myself, but I think I'm wasting those sacrifices, or I worry I will waste them. I think this is why I've been searching for inspiration for so long, and I think this is why I chase those that inspire me, sometimes too hard.

I think about Israel, and the US, and if I really belong here, or there, or anywhere, and I think about if I'd be willing to fight for this country's survival, and that country's survival. I think I want to say I'd do both, but I think I might not be willing to do either.

I think my g-dless mindset might be part of the reason for the above. I think that those who truly believe are luckier than I, and I envy them. I think I wish I could enjoy the comfort that the strong belief gives them and I think I'd be a bolder person, but maybe a weaker person if I did believe. I think that because I am ambivalent on the subject, I can only hope for a higher power, and fear that there isn't one, and I think that fear could make me a less honorable person than I aspire to be.

I think its still unclear to me what makes a good life, a happy life, a fulfilling life. I think money helps, so I'm working on phase 2 (accumulation of wealth) but I'm not sure the phases are relevant, especially if I'm not even confident of the purpose or point.

I think it may take some work to not regret the last month of my life for the rest of my life.

I think writing helps calm me.

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