Thursday, September 14, 2006

Street People I Dislike

7 Street People I Dislike (In Reverse Order):

7. Panhandlers – I really don’t mind ignoring these people.

6. Slow walkers – Every person has the right to walk at their own pace. While these people annoy me slightly, they can’t be blamed.

5. Fat People – Fat people piss me off, not because they are fat, but because they waddle. Its not that they are 2x wider than me, and make it hard to pass. It is that they take up 3x my space, and I have to time when I pass them, because they take one step right and one step left instead of 2 steps straight forward.

4. Preachers – These people are slightly annoying in terms of how much space they take up and the noise pollution, but usually, I find them funny. I rarely engage these people unless they have a sign that says “Jesus Saves.” If in the mood, I might (ok, I have on 3 occasions) talk to this person and tell him “Hey, I just talked to Jesus yesterday, he doesn’t save anymore, so stop lying to people.” 2x the preacher has answered. “Why should I listen to one word you are saying, you are not anyone special.” To that I simply walk away and say “And you are not special either, and thus, no one walking by here is listening to you.”

3. Joke Guys – The people who verbally annoy me the most are the guys who walk up to you telling jokes. They act like they are street performers, but in reality they are aggressive panhandlers. I’d rather they had a sign that said “make fun of me for a $1” than walked up to you telling jokes and then at the end asked you for money. They trap you and make you feel like you’re being A) cheep and B) a crook by not paying for the show when they ask you for money at the end. These people always seem slightly dangerous to me, and thus I don’t feel like insulting them back and usually do end up opening my wallet to pay for their uninvited interruption. If I had the balls, I’d say something like “You’re not original, I’ve heard that before, make up a joke right now.” Or maybe “Make fun of her, and make me laugh while doing it, and I’ll think about giving you something.” But usually, these people are acting like they are on something, and I just decide to avoid confrontation.

2. Random Walkers – The people who don’t walk in a straight line, stop at random times, back up and random times, and generally don’t look where they are walking, are the most physically offensive people to me. If these people are tourists, I let their indiscretions slide; however, these people are not normally tourists. There are simple rules we must all follow on the sidewalk. If you are going to turn left, be on the left side, if you are going to turn right, be on the right side. If your back is to the sidewalk, don’t walk backwards, If you are going to move right or left, look to the right or left. Its really not that dissimilar to driving. Bumping into someone, because you didn’t actually look where you are going is not ok and should be avoided. My confrontation is usually resigned to combining a grunt with my best dirty look. Sometimes a quick lesson is necessary; “don’t look left and walk right” or “if there are 70 people walking through Times Square behind you, you can’t stop right in the middle of the sidewalk.” In summary, they are just very inconsiderate people who think they own the sidewalk.

1. “Tele-walkers” – Similar to telemarketers, these people don’t take no for an answer, and are in your face about their produce. They include DNC Members, Tree Huggers, and Child Sellers. I don’t let these people get away with bothering me. They usually feel my wrath and sometimes I think I leave them scarred. Because they are educated, or think they are superior, I go to battle, and I’m prepared. These people fight your for eye contact, and when they get it they give you a big smile to draw you in, and I give it right back, ready to catch them offguard.

The DNC Members, who want you to sign up and vote, sign up for the party, and listen to hear them talk about candidates are easily messed with. Usually, I start with at least 3 “Why’s” – Because you need to vote! “Why? When was the last time anything was decided by 1 vote?” – Because voting is active citizenship, you need to be involved! “Why would I register in New York? New York always goes Democrat. It makes no sense why you are here right now. I hope you are not getting paid for this because you are making zero difference. Why is the DNC wasting money on New York? Did you volunteer to go to Texas? Do you know when the last time a democrat was elected in Texas? 1979. Take left wing terrorist communist crap out of my face and go make a difference where you are needed. Oh, but can I have a pamphlet” Then I take the pamphlet and throw it in the trash as they watch me walk down the street.

The Child Sellers are trying to convince you to sign up and donate $1 a day to help people in Africa. With them, you don’t need the “Why’s.” Everyone knows the “Why’s.” Usually, start off by playing dumb. “So, how much to buy an African Child? One dollar a day? Is that a payment plan? Can I just give you $300 at once? That seems really cheep. My cousin went to China and had to spend over $20,000 to buy a kid. When do I get the kid? When I’m done paying or when he’s 18? Do I have to pay him to live with me or does my $1 a day cover his fees. Can I make him do anything I want? I thought slavery was illegal. I’m going to call the police. Do you have a pamphlet?”

The Tree Huggers are just like the child sellers but with a much worse product. “Wait, you want me to give you a $1 a day and save a tree? Trees are renewable resources, when they die, you can just plant another. Shouldn’t you be working on Oil or Iron or Coal protection since they are finite and could be used up at anytime?. Did you ever read The Giving Tree by Shel Silverstein? I’m pretty sure the point of that book was to cut the tree down and use it. Why are you on this corner? Didn’t you know that yesterday there were people selling children on this corner? Why would anyone buy a tree over a real person? At least you can get a child to do things for you. All you can do with a tree is go visit it and maybe sit under it. You're cute, want to go out sometime? Can I have a pamphlet?"


Anonymous said...

people who walk while blackberrying/text messaging?? i think they deserve their own category.

Meistro said...

I'm one of those people...and as you know from reading this...I def don't hate myself! This also inlcludes who read while walking. I hate them, but I must confess, i do that too.

Anonymous said...

the people that harass you for money when you get off the subway on 14th at union square are the WORST!!

Anonymous said...

what about the beggars who insult you after not giving them money? THEY should work on their marketing campaigns...they're pretty bad too. Might be worse than the joke tellers, but similar, I suppose