Wednesday, January 24, 2007


The weeks been pretty busy, but here are some things I was "thinking" about.

I think I was watching the National Anthem being sung before the Colts / Pats game and had to rewind three times just to make sure I heard properly. I think Yolanda Adams definitely said, "gave proof, to the night, that our flag was still there." I’m not really sure how you prove anything to the night, but I think I can prove to you those are not the real words.

I think they only advertise Chia Pet and the Clapper in December. I've never seen a commercial outside of Christmas season.

I think that there is an unwritten social rule regarding smells that we’ll name “calling the pot.” I think the rule is pretty self explanatory, whenever a person smells pot, wherever in the world they are or under any circumstance, that person needs to be the first person to call it, and make sure everyone knows that they smell it. I think I was walking behind a cop and accidentially said I smelled pot. I think that probably wasn't good for the pot smokers.

I may have been drunk at the time, but when venting again about empire shirts, I think my friend told me you can’t buy anything else. I think she said that 80% of all shirts now are those ugly horrible maternity wear, so even though I think she knew I hated them, she told me she had no choice.

I don’t think I have any idea what bank branches are for. I think the last time I opened a bank account at a bank branch was when I was 18 years old and moving into college and I think my parents did it for me. I don’t think I’ve been in one since except to deposit cash from another account so mine wouldn’t be overdrawn. Seriously, what the hell are they for?!

I think I don’t go skiing because I don’t like wearing hats. I think I put a hat on, and it makes my head itch and makes me feel staticy, like I’ve got the worst hat head ever. I think I used to wear hats all the time in HS and have not since.

I don’t think I will ever go in the sauna at a gym again, especially the one at the NY health and racquet club at 23rd and 6th. I think my friend told me that her gay friend goes to the gym and hooks up every time he’s there. I think she said that he just goes to the sauna, and waits for another guy to come in, and they hook up, or just get off while the other watches. I think that is so disturbing.

Thursday, January 18, 2007

David and Daniella's Wedding

My baby sister (24 years old) got married Sunday night in front of a couple hundred people who didn’t really want to be wearing tuxedos. I only say that after reading “Why I don’t Wear a Suit.

Here are the Pictures

This whole 2 – 3 week event has exhausted me, and I have not slept past 9am in 20+ days.

Last weekend I went down to Baltimore to do stuff w/his family at his temple. This Friday evening, was dinner and services at my temple, then services and lunch on Saturday.

The only memories I’m going to take away from those events were:
A) Meeting the new senator from Maryland, Carden. (He’s a member of the Steinberg’s Temple)
B) Reading the prayer book and realizing I’m in a cult, and not a good cult either. I’ve read “Power for Living” and I’ve read “Jesus for Jews” and those cults have nothing on Jewish brainwashing scripture. If we had to read the English side of the page instead of the Hebrew side, I bet 50% of people would walk out of Temple thinking “what did I just say?
C) Listening to my Rabbi state, during the middle of the service, that “Ben is next.” That comment wasn’t that bad, and though it was tactless, I wouldn’t expect any less from the Rabbi, that’s just who he is. The really bad part was that everyone in the whole service came up to me afterwards, “Did you hear what the Rabbi said? Can you believe he said that?” THAT was annoying.

Sunday was all about timing.
12pm: Check in
1pm: Pictures
3pm: Pictures End
3:30pm: Guests start arriving
4pm: Appetizers, drinks.
4:10. At this point it becomes a super timed event. I’m not sure of the exact timing, but 9 things happened between 4:10 and the service at 5pm. There was the fathers going to get the groom, there was the greeting line for the women, there was a Tish, there was Dancing, there was Singing, there was plate breaking, there was paperwork Signing, there was Veiling, there was more Singing and Dancing, and Drinking. Good times all around.
5pm: The service. Short, sweet, to the point. Prayers were said, speeches were made, glass was broken by both. I walked with grandma as usual, and she talked through the whole service. She’s got no inside voice, only an outside voice, so everything she thought, came out of her mouth including “She needs to talk slower and louder” and my favorite, when her non jewish boyfriend asked her a question “I’m not even going to respond to a question that stupid.” It kept all of us in the bridal party laughing, except my mother, since she was in the first row and we could hear it all. My mother, apparently not realizing that everyone can see her / hear her too, mouths “shut up” to her mother, from the alter. I may have been the only person who noticed that, but it was classic.
6pm: Everyone up to the 9th floor’s ballroom with stunning views of a foggy river. By 8pm, the skies had cleared enough for everyone to see downtown NY, but all day it was miserably foggy. We horaed for an hour, separating violent men from delicate woman as we all got terribly sweaty. Luckily, it only took 30 seconds on the balcony to cool off in the 40 degree weather. The bride and groom were entertained by skits and were tossed around on chairs, def good times. The parents of the couple gave speeches as did the best man and Elana and I. Nothing really memorable, just a few sentimental things and jokes and whatnot.
9:50pm: The dancing stops for the grace after meals. People leave and those staying at the hotel go to the after party downstairs in the hospitality sweet.
1am: My parents finally leave the after party, after talking to every single person in the room for at least 10 minutes.
2:30am: Some people who’d never met before the wedding night leave the after party at the same time…hmmm….hmmm. I love weddings.
10:29am: Wake up for 10:30 brunch. One of the groomsmen is still in his tuxedo pants and undershirt. Nice.

Thinking about the Wedding:

I think everyone associated with a wedding has to monitor the weather forecast for a wedding. I think it is in the job description, especially since humans have so much control over the weather. I think this is what predicted for the weather the day of the wedding for the 10 days leading up to it:

___________________Sunday Weather Forecast
Friday 5 -------------------52 and Partly Cloudy
Sat 6 ----------------------Missed
Sunday 7 ------------------62 and Showers (60%)
Monday 8 -----------------55 and Few Showers (30%)
Tuesday 9 ----------------62 and Few Showers (30%)
Wednesday 10 ------------56 and Few Showers (30%)
Thursday 11 --------------52 and Few Showers (30%)
Friday 12 -----------------50 and Showers (60%)
Saturday 13 --------------47 and Shower (40%)
Actual Sunday 14 ---------50 and Light Showers (100%)

I think traditional Jewish weddings are so much more interesting than “Americanized” weddings. I think the Pre-Service stuff, the Service stuff, the Party traditions, and the week of parties afterwards all make it much more fun than a normal wedding.

I think, while blowing up balloons filled with confetti, I may have swallowed some. I think that confetti might be lodged in my intestine somewhere, causing some pretty extreme pain on my lower left side.

I think my sister and her new husband forgot to plan a honeymoon. Maybe its b/c she works and he’s in law school but I think Honeymoon is necessary to get away from your family who’s driven you crazy for the previous 6 months.

I think this is a video of two of the cutest kids, Micah and Atara:

I think this is a video of all the bridesmaids as I go down an escalator:

I think this is what Elana and I wrote, and said at the wedding:

B) Hey Elana, What’s up? You look really great!
E) Thanks Ben, It’s a wedding. Daniella found a soul mate.
E) She met a great guy and now she won’t be alone.
B) That’s right! So finally, she’ll MOVE OUT of our PARENTS home.
E) Independence from US is what Daniella continues to strive for.
B) When her turn would come up, what WE’D done was a bore.
E) Like we were both Bar Mitzvahed at the Martinsville Inn.
B) But Daniella chose the Marriott, because she always has to win.
E) Ben, YOU and I were expert SKI schoolers.
B) But Daniella now snowboards, in order to be cooler.
E) And WE BOTH went to Rutgers, The state school of New Jersey,
B) Instead Daniella chose Barnard, just like Grandma Marcy.
E) Daniella is also UNIQUE, having a strong fashion sense.
B) If she’d only shop with me, then my shi"r"ts would match my pants.
B) So tell me a bout this guy. Who is this “Steiny?”
E) Well, he’s charming and smart and from a good Family.
E) Daniella met David while practicing Israeli dance.
B) So after doing the hora, they started a romance?
E) And Steiny is competitive, even during friendly banter.
B) That’s right, I argued with him yesterday about who’s got the better canter!
B) So Steiny, Don’t ever fight, with my sister in the morning.
E) She’s yell and she’ll kick, this is your FINAL warning.
E) Ben, Steiny’s a perfect fit, for our card playing family.
B) You’re right, he’ll be a lawyer soon, one I WON’T NEED hopefully.
B) Dannie, for your husband, you should always root.
E) As long as your remember, mine beat yours in trivial pursuit.
B) Now that we are done with this silly little roast.
E) I’d like to call on my husband Ariel, to complete this toast.
B) Please raise your glasses
B) In the tradition started by Grandma Marcy:All: We wish you Mucho Salud, y Mucho Amor, y Mucho Dinero, y el tiempo para gustarlo. Mazel Tov.

Friday, January 05, 2007

Birthday and Evites

I felt 60 yesterday. Luckly, at 10pm I was acting like a drunkin 19 year old, so it all evens out.

I sent out an evite but I'm no longer sure why anyone ever responds or what the point of responding is.

Out of the 27 people who said yes, 12 did not come. That's almost 1/2
Out of the 10 maybe's, 8 did not come.
Out of the 60 people who didn't respond, 16 came.

Lets just say that Evite wasn't even close to predicting who would come and who wouldn't. Do I email people who said "yes" and didn't come asking what happens? Who does that? At one point, evite dictated my life. Now, I think I might be done with it forever.

Anyway, thanks to everyone who did come. Twas nice seeing you and having a drink or 7 with you. I'm hungover...and I think I was in ONE picture.

Wednesday, January 03, 2007

Ford Thoughts...

TMQ (bottom) brought up an interesting point yesterday. Who mourns a 93 year old former President? No one should. He lived a great, long, happy life and he should be celebrated. I really don't understand what Christian people are mourning, the President included, with yesterday's "National Day of Mourning." All people should mourn a life cut short, but that wasn't the case here, and Christians believe in the afterlife, heaven. Therefore, Ford's death should be celebrated by Christians, b/c if they do believe he was a great man, then they should believe he is in Heaven, and that's gotta be better than Earth. Yea, I ripped this entire thought process off, but I was thinking it, and it needed to be said.

NINE days of memorial stuff. NINE DAYS. The main reason we can't have a Jewish President is because if he died, and more importantly, if he died in office, he'd be burried before half of the country knew about it. Can you imagine if a former Jewish President had to have 4 services in 3 states in a 24 hour period? No party planner I know could schedule that. If I had to take a trip that crazy, and be infront of huge crouds in each place, you can be damn sure I'd rather be dead.