Sunday, June 03, 2007

Strip Club Rules

I’m heading to Montreal next weekend for Adam’s bachelor party. We’ll be drinking, playing poker, driving, and likely going to a strip club. IG doesn’t really understand the appeal of the strip club, nor has she ever been to one, nor does she believe all the things I told her could possibly happen at strip clubs (I made a few up). Basically, she told me that there needs to be rules for guys at strip clubs with girlfriends. Considering she’s never been, she was in no position to right the rules, and I was def not going to write my own rules, so we solicited Makeyou, who has frequented quite a few clubs in her day, to write the rules.

1) If the law doesn't allow you to do it, then don't do it. (sex w/the strippers)
2) No lap dances from girls who look like your girlfriend.
3) No lap dances from girls that have the same name as your girlfriend.
4) No lap dances from girls who are saving up to go to school to become the same profession as your girlfriend.
5) You are not allowed to have real conversation with the strippers or ask them what their real name is.
6) You can't buy yourself any lap dances (someone else will have to do that for you)
7) You can buy your single friends lap dances
8) You can buy your married friends lap dances, but only if they are over 45 years old w/o kids
9) You can not buy guys w/GF's lap dances, (its part of the "chicks before dicks" code)
10) If one of your married or single friends buys you a lap dance, you can enjoy it, but you can not cop a feel
11) If one of your married or single friends buys you a private dance in the back room, you can enjoy it, but you can not get off, in any way shape or form
12) If one of your married or single friends buys you a private dance with more than 1 girl, your girlfriend must be present
13) If the bouncer to the private room whispers in your ear the dance is $100 for 30 min, and then you can negotiate w/the girl for anything else, you are not allowed to negotiate with the girl for anything else.
14) If a stripper straps a dildo to your head, you can not penetrate her with that dildo
15) If a stripper calls your girlfriend from your cellphone, you can not yell in the background "give me my pants and cellphone back."
16) At no point in time are you allowed on a stage.
17) At no point in time are you allowed to remove any clothing.
18) You are not allowed to do body shots off a stripper, or drink a beer being pored down her body.
19) If you spend over $200 while at the strip club, you are not allowed to complain about spending money on me for the next month.
20) If you spend over $500 while at the strip club, you must buy me something of equal or higher value.
21) If you win $1,000 gambling before you get to the strip club, the above 2 rules still apply.
22) When you get home from the strip club, you must tell your girlfriend "It was nothing special, and none of the girls were as beautiful as you."
23) You can't get so drunk that you can't remember the rules.
24) Just because you can't remember them doesn't mean they don't exist
25) When you get home from the strip club, you are not allowed to roll over and go to bed, you must prove how horny those strippers made you.

5 comments:

kristin said...

I like the equal or greater value on the gift spendage. But what i want to know is where my lap dance at?
Oh and not all girls have crazy strip club rules.

burnt toast said...

do strippers really strap dildos to guys' heads?? and i think the rule about drinking beer off a stripper shouldn't be a rule - i'd never let my bf drink a beer off me like that, so if he really really wants to, he can do it with her.

and then wash his mouth out with bleach.

mom said...

OY!

J. said...

If you can't do number 5, then how do 3 and 4 even work?

Anonymous said...

I maybe got to.. 3 then decided that these rules are lame. RELAX ladies. Relax.