Tuesday, April 29, 2008

Lucky to be This Unhappy

I am the luckiest unhappy person in the world.

Sometimes, I feel unhappy with my job. The company is way behind plan because, even though our funds are doing very well, it’s very hard to raise money right now, and that’s how the firm gets paid, by assets under management. We have only 7 employees who come in daily, and thus the office is quiet, and because of the business environment, not as fun as it used to be. My personal decisions at work, which affect millions of dollars of other people’s money, have gotten more stressful, and more difficult, because it’s become much easier to lose money. Boy, am I lucky I’m not Sharyn. She lost her job in November after working her way all the way to the trading desk from a controller’s position. She was in her new position for 4 months when she lost her job. Don’t worry; she got a new one at Professor Thoms, waiting tables, so she doesn’t have to move back to NJ with her parents. I’m too lucky to be unhappy.

Sometimes, I feel unhappy about my love life. I realize that I’m alone right now, and well, that’s lonely. Being single can hurt your confidence, hurt your optimism about life, and hurt your general liking of other people. You can become bitter, and cold, and the big, overwhelming city doesn’t help that feeling at all. Dating kinda sucks a lot, and is very expensive, and isn’t that rewarding. Boy, am I lucky I’m not MSB. She’s going through a divorce after 10+ years of marriage and 3 kids. She emailed me to celebrate when the divorce is finalized, and I told her that it’s definitely an occasion to drink, but definitely not one to celebrate. I’m too lucky to be unhappy.

Sometimes, I feel anxious . My routines are just that, routines. My life isn’t moving forward, just moving sideways. Love life, career, demographic, all seem stalled for the foreseeable future. It makes me anxious. I want to find someone new, someone now, and I want to move quickly, and I don’t want to wait. I want to look for a new job just to break the routine, and I want to move into a new apartment just to break the routine. Changes like that can make you less anxious, and can reinvigorate you. But right now I’m anxious about everything, and I don’t like waiting for change, and the city can really get you down. Boy, am I lucky I’m not Pink. While Pink says she’s happy today, last week she couldn’t go to work she was so anxious. She called me hysterical because her boy was in Vegas and drinking and wasn’t answering her phone. She talked about hurting herself to end her anxiousness. She couldn’t think straight, she couldn’t get out of bed, she couldn’t do anything. That’s real anxiety. I’m too lucky to be unhappy.

Sometimes, I’m pretty unhappy with my family. Now, my family is awesome as a group, and as individuals, and I tell people I won the lottery when I was born into my family, but like all families, they can drive you nuts. Guilt trips for not calling every day when you spend 10 straight days with them in Israel or 2 days with them in DC drive you crazy. Being the only single person over 12 at a Seder of 30 can drive you crazy. Suggestions about what to do, what to order on the menu, what to buy, what to wear, can all drive you crazy if they aren’t asked for. Boy, am I lucky I’m not my FCK. I hope to never have to write a blog entry that starts “Dear brother: It’s been 6 months since we had to say goodbye to each other. It wasn’t my choice, but you didn’t leave me with much of one.” Saddest thing I ever read, he was only 17 and took his life. I’m too lucky to be unhappy.

After reading that all over, it’s pretty much telling me not to sweat the small stuff. Boy do my complaints and my unhappiness seem SILLY. Chronicling my unhappiness like this, putting things in perspective, makes me happier. I THINK I’m done complaining.


Anonymous said...

nice blog post today - bk

Anonymous said...

Its true other people have it worse. good to be reminded of that sometimes.

Anonymous said...

It's so true. Sometimes I do need to put things into perspective. My mom emailed me this morning telling me that this family friends of ours had to fly to florida asap -- her son lost
control of his car this morning and is in the hospital with the EMT
saying that he may not make it. 30 years old and married for 5 months... I can't complain about my stupid shit when things like that happen.

Anonymous said...

I think you have written about this subject before....it's called pergatory :)

Favorite Fan said...

There's nothing better than hearing about people worse off than you to make you appreciate your life more.