Wednesday, November 26, 2008

ThinksGiving

I think my friend has a spot on her leg, where if you hit it, she hiccups.

I think I saw the ultimate generosity in Union Square last weekend. I think I saw one homeless person walk by another homeless panhandler and give that homeless person money. I think it was either generosity or senility. I think I read somewhere that even people who receive charity should still give it, even the lowest people on the pole, because it will make you feel self worth. I think I should give more... even though all of my social worker friends say not to.

I think this was my friend’s response when asked if he wanted to invite his sister to his birthday party. “Fuck no! I don’t want my sister at my birthday. I want to get drunk and say inappropriate things to girls. Fuck, I don’t even want my wife at my birthday party!”

I think that Frosted Flakes improves astronomically when eaten with 1% milk instead of skim milk. The change is much more noticeable than the changes w/other cereals.

I think my new business cards have a much better look, but also look like they came from Kinko’s. I think I’d like to get my own, and combine the two. I think I should post pictures of both up here and let you kids decide.

I think talking to women is pretty much the same thing as getting arrested. I think anything you say can and will be used against you.

I think these are some of the famous people who I saw in the last month in non celebrity settings (obv you can see them at a Today Show taping or something): Liam Neeson, Donald Faison, Dustin Hoffman, Richard Kind, Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen and Timothy Olyphant.

I think the synthetic blood they drink in True Blood looks too much like POM Juice and its container, and thus, I think I will never drink POM.

I think some people have this Gossip Gene that I don’t have. I think I’ve heard so many stories that start with “My coworker said something about this girl, but I’m better friends with her, so I told her, and now everyone is fighting.” Seriously, if someone who I work with badmouthed someone else who I work with, why would I tell anyone? Who gains? What’s the point? I think I don’t have the gossip Gene. I think the Gossip Gene might be closely related to the Pass It On Gene, where everything you hear must be passed on to everyone else.

I think the new Iphone feature, where you can have your GPS reported to all of your friends, is the most worthless feature I know. I don't think I know anyone who would want their friends to be able to track where they are located. . . Ok, maybe 15 year olds and parents, but that’s it.

I think I may disappear for December. If my math is correct, the first round of grad school applications are due in January, with the last round due in April. Not that I want to go, but if I were to lose my job in April, I think I’d have a 17 months off of work before school in Sept 2010 if I don't apply now. I don’t think it would be very easy to find a new job in that time frame. Therefore, I think I’ll need to study for the GMAT’s, take the GMAT’s and write lotsa essays in under 2 months.

I think because I was not able to do birthright, I want to be an instructor/counselor/group leader. I think that is a possibility.

I think my cousin is 12 years old, but in order to get on Facebook, she had to lie about her age, and say she is 16.

I think I really like the smell of cinnamon raisin bagels when they are toasted, too bad I don't like raisins.

Sunday, November 16, 2008

Silly Q's

Most of the Q&A's I receive are relationship related...boys, girls, hooking up, breaking up, etc. About half ask me not to post the Q's and A's, but just email them back. I've decided that most of my Q&A site will be dedicated to these questions. However, quite a few come in that have nothing to do w/anything. Here they are:

Do people still say break a leg?

I feel soooo weird saying that kinda thing. Though I haven't had to say that term to anyone in quite a few months, I believe the last time I was supposed to say it, I chickened out and said "break one" instead. But yes, I do believe the term is still used.

Do you ever pee sitting bec you are feeling lazy?

Absolutely not. Standing is lazy. Do you know how hard it is to sit down and stand up? I'd rather just stand the whole time.

Can you explain to me what is happening in that Derek Jeter commercial for Gatorade w/the grass growing?

I'm pretty sure that the grass growing wherever Jeter walks is a reference to his STD's and how he spreads them wherever he goes. I can't verify this.

Why can't girls show their nipples on TV but guys can?

The real question is, why can girls show their 3rd nipple, but not their second nipple on TV. TMZ always "shows" celebrity nudity, while blurring out the privates, including female 2nd nipples. However, w/3rd nipples, they have no problem showing it. The evidence was HERE but the media was removed, interestingly.

What situations call for red wine, and what situations call for white?

HERE is a very simple wine pairing guide. My rules differ, obviously, here they are.

If I'm getting drunk that night, and may switch from wine, I'm drinking WHITE
If I'm wearing a white shirt, and may be pretty drunk, I'm drinking WHITE
If I'm just having one glass w/no food, I'm having whatever I like the best
If I'm having red meat, I'll usually get RED
If I'm having chicken, I'll usually get WHITE
If I'm having a drink after dinner, I'll usually get sweet WHITE
If I'm getting a bottle w/a date I don't know I'm usually getting WHITE, b/c its safer
If I'm getting a bottle w/a date that I know, I'm getting whatever she wants
If I'm getting a bottle w/a date who I don't like, I'm getting whatever I want
If I'm bringing a bottle w/me to a party, I'm bringing COLD WHITE, it shows that you brought it from home and not from a store
If I'm bringing a bottle w/me to a party where I don't know the people, I'm taking whatever is on my shelf that someone gave to me 8 months ago.

Hope that helps.

Do you French kiss in public?

Not French, unless really drunk. More likely church tongue.

Do you think it is merely coincidence or is there some nefarious purpose behind the following happenstance?

As background, on the Boy Meets World which I have gotten into watching again between the hours of 8 and 9 on ABC family channel, the two title characters are Cory (Ben Savage) and Topanga (Danielle Fishel). After about 5 or 6 seasons they all go to college, including Eric, Cory’s older brother. His roommate in college (Pennbrook) is a guy named Jack who is also Sean (Cory;s best friend played by Rider Strong)’s half brother. Anyway, here is the interesting part. Cory’s last name is Matthews and Topanga’s last name is Lawrence on the show. Jack is played by Mathew Lawrence (joey Lawrence of Blossom fame’s brother.) So his real name is made by Cory and Topanga’s last name. JUST A COINCIDENCE??????

Yea, these are my readers...

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

Guest Essay #1

Ode to the Mullet
by Sandy Eggo

Wait no more, the controversial redneck, countryboy/cityboy haircut has been making a silent comeback. It just hasn't made the obvious surfacing it did in the 80's and 90's because of the variations. The "Business in front, Party in back" mullet haircut has variations through the years, from David Bowie, Billy Ray Cyrus to the Beastie Boys. Billy Ray was the country western singin' mullet god, he made it famous, along with his 'Achey breaky heart'.

Now, Florence Henderson is the only female who comes immediately to mind, that had a mullet, (you know, the Mom from the Brady Bunch). I'm not sure if that makes her business in front, and party in back though, if you know what I mean.

Recently, the Mullet has adopted many variations of its original buffont in the front, lucious locks in the back.

The Skullet - shaved head or bald on top and long sides and back
The Frullet - shaved back and sides and a long piece that hangs in your face like the young hip-hop kids
The Mo-Hullet, or Mulhawk - A Mohawk with a long back piece
The Fullet or Grullet - The female version

Now a days, Mulletists (mullet enthusiasts) have been known to tease, wax, spike, and multi-color the business part, to give it originality and punk it out. BUT, there are still some diehard mulletists that have the same mullet cut they had in the 80's and 90's because they don't know how to grow it out to something different, or they refuse to whack their beloved ponytail. The mullet's origin is mainly blue collar and redneck, created in order to allow a Mulletist to go to work and have the longer ponytail down the shirt, if dress code prohibited it. Then come the weekend, you were a good ole' boy party animal. The mulletists population has been cenetered around country westerns, heavy metal rockers, ice hockey players and of course, wrestlers. The good news for Mulletists is that now, more than ever, it is more acceptable to be non-acceptable. You can sport a mullet with hair down to your butt, as long as you are a hard worker, and able to keep it from getting caught in the meat grinder at work.

One Question to all the Mullet sporting men and women out there, when they say you are Mullet Headed, are they referring to the haircut, or stupidity like the fish? Perhaps Both?

If you dont have the ability to grow one, pehaps you can just settle on dating someone with one, a Mullet that is. You'll find lots of mullets as well as other kinds of haircuts at RedneckandSingle.com, an online community of over 18,000 single rednecks seeking romance, friendship, adventure, hunting, camping and fishing partners, and NASCAR buddies. Visit http://www.redneckandsingle.com and find your own Mulletist.

I promise you wont regret it.

(The only thing worse than mullets, are leggings. That style has GOT TO END)

Wednesday, November 05, 2008

2008 Election

This was a big deal.

I find myself inspired by the man, by the message, and by the millions of people who supported him.

I find myself inspired by the booth...any one of us could have gone into the booth, and voted timidly. Instead, many of us said to ourselves, "Today, I'm going to be bold, I'm going to show courage, and I'm going to try to push this country in a totally new direction." That is a scary proposition, and it is inspiring, that so many people felt that twang of fear, and showed the courage to push the button, swing the lever, or punch a hole.

I'm scared that policy had nothing to do with this election. The election was won by words like "change" and by organizational skills.

I'm scared since I don't trust that just because we were going the wrong direction, doesn't mean the opposite direction is the right one.

I was scared. I'm sure many were scared. Yet we all stood by ourselves, searched our souls, made a confidential decision, and overcame that fear. That's inspiring.

I don't know how to put last night's outcome into context, but here goes. Out of all the states, and all of the elections over the last 230 years, there have only been 2 African American's elected to the position of Governor. That means that 27 states, which had never even had an African American Governor, had the majority of its voters support one for President. To me, that puts this election in context. (I heard that from Gov. Patterson last night)

My question is.... Why is it a big deal to you? (positive or negative, I kinda wanna hear it).

Monday, November 03, 2008

You're Sitting on Who?

I'm babysitting... right now.

It's pretty easy, esp when the kids are awesome, relatively well behaved, and when they know you very well, b/c you are their uncle.

It's pretty hard when the 1 year old doesn't really have dinner, and can't communicate what she actually wants, and the 4 year old is smarter than you... much smarter than you. Actually, she's adorably evil, and can pretty much get whatever she wants, whenever she wants. "One more Dora episode," "More pizza," "One more book." Yea, its tough.

Luckily, I've got guidelines... before I showed up tonight...my sister emailed me "Uncle Ben's Survival List."

Uncle Ben’s Survival List:

5pm – Arrive, distract kids in Atara’s room while we sneak out. This avoids about 10 minutes of screaming

5:30 – Dinner.
After they seem like they are done eating. Get strawberries from fridge.

6:00 – Play

6:30 – Pajamas
Lilah’s pajamas are on her changing table. Extras are in the 2nd drawer down. Diapers and wipes are in the first drawer down.**Atara knows where her pajamas are and can get into them by herself.

6:45 – Give Lilah bottle from fridge and put her in crib with “mimi” Shut her door. She should be done for the night.

Atara’s routine:
Pajamas
Pick out a book
Try to go to the bathroom*, wash hands, brush teeth
Read book
Sing songs (three)
close her door

She will almost definitely get up and try to go to the bathroom again. You can do what you feel like when she starts to bargin for another song/book/water/food etc. We give her nothing.

TV & Computer are there for use at your leisure (except if you want to watch live TV once the redskins game has started, please do so in our room). You will be able to watch all of our Tivo stuff)

*She will ask you wipe, but tell her she can do it herself.
**I will change her before I leave so you shouldn’t have to unless she smells really bad.


Thankfully, the **'s were not utilized...but I did keep the "Survival Guide" open on the computer through the night for reference.

I had no clue what songs I'd have to sing to Atara, so I asked her ahead of time, and looked them up on the web. I mean, "This Old Man" has 10 verses!!

All in all, it wasn't a bad experience. I got to leave work early. I got to play w/my nieces. I got free pizza. I got to watch Monday Night Football in peace. I got to write a lil. AND, I got a cookie.

On the flip side, I may have pissed off my boss. I didn't get paid. I may have a heart attack from the pizza. I may get diabetes from the cookie. AND, I'm gonna lose about 3 hours of sleep tonight compared to what I need.