Tuesday, December 30, 2008

Top 11 Reasons Guys Pay

I was just asked the question “Why do the guys always pay for the dates? That’s not right.”

Well, here are the top 11 reasons why we guys pay for first dates:
(in no particular order)

We make more money: This isn’t always true, and most of us wish it wasn’t true, but for me it usually is true. In the last year, I have not gone on a date with a girl who makes more money than me. I’m almost 100% certain. Many girls work much harder than I do, but their jobs just aren’t as financially rewarding. Why should they be punished by the arbitrariness of the system and/or the possible glass ceiling? The closest I’ve come to dating a girl who makes as much as me has been a 3rd year lawyer, and her salary is posted online, like all lawyers at big firms.

We actually want to: This may be hard to believe, but chivalry isn’t totally dead. Some guys, especially myself, like the idea of treating a girl well, and if that means buying dinner/drinks, so be it. We’ve been raised to put girls on pedestals, why not treat them like queens?

We have all heard THE story: We’re sitting at brunch and one of our female friends starts talking about this bad date she had. The story always ends with "it was so expensive and he made me pay for half, that jerk!"

We asked her out: If I ask a girl out, why shouldn’t I pay for her? Makes sense to me. If the girl asked to buy me a drink, I’d consider letting her, though I probably wouldn’t. I have yet to be asked out on a first date by someone I actually wanted to go out with.

We picked the place: My friend Jessalyn said it best "I do think if the guy picks the place for the first date, he should be prepared to pay." What if it’s a really nice place, or to see a show for $100, how can we expect the girl to pay? We can’t.

Tradition: Tradition dictates that we pay. Who are we to change that tradition now, without agreeing to it prior to going out?

We want to avoid the awkward: The tradition is set in stone, even if both people want to go dutch, it can be awkward getting to that point. She takes out her wallet, he says not thanks, she refuses.

We want her to like us: If a girl insists on paying for herself, this is a signal that she doesn’t like you. The girl doesn’t want to owe you anything, and thus is paying. If she liked you, she wouldn’t mind being treated.

We like to show off: Self explanatory.

We want to hook up: This may be misguided, but most guys do assume that have a better shot at getting some action if we pay. Girls will say “I hate feeling like I owe the guy something” when he pays, but of course, she does feel that way…and sometimes, she’ll even give in.

We want to eat off the girl’s plate: The way I see it, if I know that I’m paying, and she knows that I’m paying, technically, she is eating my food. I’m allowing her to eat my food. Since that is the case, I can just reach over to her plate and take whatever I want.

Sunday, December 28, 2008

Jdate Makes Me Fat

This was sent to me by my friend. She told me the story and I made her write it down. I think its pretty freaking hilarious!

Jdate Makes Me Fat

I got on Jdate 3 months ago, I was this 5'4 petite, cute little girl. I had some cute pictures up and when you first sign up, you get bombarded by guys who are just searching for new people. I'm also 24, so everyone from 24-38 year old's are searching for me. Lets just say, I attacked the site, as it attacked me.

I used to go to the gym 3-4 times a week. Now I have no time.
I used to drink only on the weekends. Now I drink almost every night.
I used to make myself small dinners. Now I have big dinners every night.

Lets just say, my life has changed substantially in the last 3 months. I suppose if I'd met someone I ACTUALLY LIKED, I would have stopped dating so much, and could have moved back toward my normal routine. Obviously, THAT HAS NOT HAPPENED.

Here's my week last week:

Monday Night: I try not to schedule Monday dates. Usually, I'm exhausted from the weekends because I went out late Saturday, I woke up late Sunday, and couldn't fall asleep on Sunday night until late. On Monday's I'm running on 5 hours of sleep. Tonight, I had a drink w/some cute guy, told him he'd have to take me out again, and went home to get on Jdate and schedule the rest of my week. 2 cute guys talked to me, so I made plans w/them for Wed, and Sat.

Tuesday Night: Usually I'd hit the gym on Tuesday's, but I had a 3rd date w/a guy I kinda liked. We had dinner for 3 hours, he insisted on dessert, probably so he could also order after dinner drinks. We'd kicked a bottle of wine, and the extra drink and I ended up at his place until the morning. He asked me out for Friday.

Wednedsay Night: I was exhausted from the previous night, and was just meeting a guy for a first date, so we met for a drink after work. He lives downtown and works downtown so I gave in and traveled down there... he picked some swanky place that I'd wanted to go to, so I figured it was worth it. He was not nearly as good looking as his pictures, and I called him out on it. That FUCKER called me out too. Said I was a bit bigger than in my pictures!! He asked when I took the pictures and I told him 2 months ago. He asked what happened and I told him "JDATE! you asshole!" We laughed about it a little and I decided to run up his tab. Drinks at this place were like $15 and since it was a first date, no way he wasn't paying. Must have put $200 on there. I made out w/him afterwords at 2am b/c he was a good sport but I'm def not going out with him again.

Thursday: Normally, on Thursday morning, I hit the gym. After waking up 20 min late for work, hungover, and still possibly drunk, you could guess I didn't make it to the gym. Thursday night I had drinks scheduled with this guy I'd met on Saturday. We'd just gotten coffee on Sat, so I wanted him to take me out for a meal. I was tired, but he was nice. Dinner was at some pasta bar, really heavy food, really cheep. I'm thinking he has no money based on the 2 dates and prob won't go out w/him again. Wow I'm full. At least the pasta kicked the hangover. I got on Jdate for 2 more hours after I got home, made plans for Sunday brunch w/some Lawyer, and passed out.

Friday Night: Friday I met up w/Tuesday guy. It was a little strange because I'd stayed over but we didn't really do THAT much. I felt like he was testing me to see if I would this time, or I was done. Of course I was testing him to see if he actually liked me or just wanted to hook up b/c he'd put in the time. Conversation didn't flow as well and was actually kinda awkward, even after drinking a bottle of wine. We went out afterwords, some dive bar. We did some shots and drank some more. We both passed out w/o hooking up and in the morning he wanted to but I couldn't. He was pissed, but I had to run because...

Saturday: At noon I had a brunch date w/the 2nd guy I met Monday night on Jdate. Date went well but he was boring as hell. Love brunch. Had just eaten so couldn't go to the gym. Took a nap and went out w/friends Saturday Night. Some guy I'd met 2 months earlier messaged around 1am, so I met up w/him at 3am and brought him back to my place.

To summarize: I had drinks and dinners almost every night and missed all the times I normally go to the gym.

Wednesday, December 24, 2008

Something is Fishy

I ordered THIS BAG for my office, for my boss on Ebay. The bag came, but with some extra gifts.

This was my response to the seller on Ebay:
"I ordered the bag and it came. My boss opened it and loved it. The bag looked new, but when he opened the front pocket, there were all of these materials inside of it. An old delta ticket stub, car payment bill, 2 check books, letters, etc... All of these items had random names on them like Rafel Herrera, Natalia Monasterio and a few others. Do you know who these people are? Do they need these items? Did someone use the bag? This was very embarassing for me when my boss discovered these things! This is extremely unacceptable.

This was his response:
"I am very sorry about this you can throw those items away. The items you found in the backpack are props we used to take pictures for our items. Those are put in to take picture of backpack with it. I can assure you the backpack is brand new.

Again we're very sorry about this and it?s very unacceptable. Please let me know is there anything I can do for you to make you satisfy with our service?
- timespringinc"

I don't for one second believe Timespringinc's response. There were signed, undated stamps, bills for electric utility companies, and car payments.

I decided to mail a letter to the people who's stuff I'd seemingly found:

"Natalia Lebasterio / Monasterio & Rafael Herrera:

I purchased a leather backpack on Ebay from a vender called Time Spring Inc (timespringinc.com). In the front pocket of that bag were items that had your names and addresses on them. Included was a Toyota Lease invoice and Water Meter invoice for Mr. Herrera. There were also a bunch of items from Paradise By the Sea for the names Natialia Lebasterio and Natalia Monasterio (I have a feeling they may be the same person). Additionally, there were 2 unmarked check books. I have attached photo copies of some of the items. Most of the addresses on these correspondences were the same, so I have only sent this one letter. Please let me know what you would like me to do with these items, and /or if you would like me to mail them to you or throw them out. I am curious how they ended up in a seemingly unused bag that I purchased. The company I purchased them from told me that they were used in a photo shoot, however, considering the items, I do not believe this to be the case.

Please advise me on what you would like me to do. Feel free to email me.

Sunday, December 21, 2008

Did You Really Just Say That?

Sandy: If he is online for 30 min and doesn’t say hi and then goes idle, do you think he could be cheating?
Me: Are you f-ing nuts?
Sandy: yea
Sandy: Are you really asking? Haha
Sandy: It just seems weird that he’d sign on and not say hi… even if I did see him this morning.
Sandy: Doesn’t it seem weird?
Me: No.
Me: Why do you think he is cheating? There has to be more than that.... Why would he sign on at all If he was?
Sandy: I think he is cause im insane. Cause when i told him lately that I had been freaking out cause im worried he's going out hooking up etc...he gave me this whole speach being like, I have no interest in cheating, i get why you would worry cause of our past, but i just want to be with you..etc et c but this past week we barely saw each other, where the week before we saw each other every day so i guess i got a bit worried..
Me: Bec you went nuts on him! This is a never ending cycle.
Me: You are never going to be happy and confident w him... enough that he can live a normal life w o having to check in w you and justfty himself to you. You've needed a new boy for 3 years now!
Sandy: I dont know if its him or anyone.
Sandy: It's me, I'm nuts :)

Rock Climbing Girl: I’d like to inform your thought, that if you are ready to have children with me tomorrow I’m willing to break up w/my boyfriend in order to satisfy my mother’s need to become a grandmother. Just don’t tell him :)
Me: Is that because he is unwilling or because I’m hotter and you will tell him it’s his?
Rock Climbing Girl: He is very unwilling and you’re very hot! :) But fathering my children is a whole new level of commitment that you’d have to fall in love with me at some point. I hear it helps the co-parent relationship and I’m very loveable.
Me: I find that being forced into love is the best way
Rock Climbing Girl: you’d have to meet my parents of course, first.
Me: Before the birth or before the sex?
Rock Climbing Girl: Before the sex, but you’re a Jewish boy, I’m pretty sure you’re in.
Me: Parents love me.
Rock Climbing Girl: Is having my hypothetical babies not enough for you? I guess I’ll see you at my bday on Saturday. Meanwhile I’m still considering your sperm.

Rachel: Why doesn’t Daniella accept my friend requests?
Me: She has like 80 people waiting, I’ll yell at her.
Rachel: Dude, my mom is all about Facebook, its hilarious. It’s funny, she has so much fun.
Me: That’s scary.

Hurricane: I can’t wait to meet the girl you end up with
Me: My mom says that to me sometimes… I’m STILL not sure if I’m supposed to be insulted or not.

SS: Ugh having roommate problem
Me: Move
SS: One brings random trashy guys home from bars and other doesn't approve. I don't care that much but she doesn't want strange men in our apt... Which is legit.
Me: So what? You have to make a rule? Why is that legit? It's her apt...
SS: I don't know it’s tough and I'm stuck in the middle
Me: I can't imagine my roommate saying I need to stop bringing random girls home... it’s not like the girls are going to rob us. Are you worried about your safety?
SS: Yes
SS: She brings home low class guys
SS: Like a 37 year old divorced w 4 kids
Me: If you don't like the lifestyle she lives then move out or make her move eventually, but she isn't doing anything wrong in my eyes besides being a slut
Me: Hmmm
Me: She hot?
SS: She's a blonde bombshell

Hurricane: You would be upset if you heard what I did. So, after dinner, he wanted to go for drinks...
Hurricane: okay, so I went...: it was fine... but he wanted to have another drink......and I was like, hmm
Hurricane: I lied and said I couldn't have another drink. I told him I was exhausted. I mean, it was 12:30 and the date started at 9.
Me: How much did you drink at dinner?
Hurricane: We just shared a bottle of wine, but I drank a little before, not much.
Hurricane: I’m really a nice person BUT, dinner was FINE, I mean, I could talk to a wall ...and I enjoy it, but he was nervous.
Hurricane: He was like, "I thought you were going to be crazy”
Hurricane: I was like "WHY?"
Hurricane: He said, "You just talked to me on the phone like we had been friends for years! "
Hurricane: I was like, “did you want me to sound nervous and make it super awkward?”
Hurricane: Geeze, help me out here
Me: where are you going w/this story?
Hurricane: So I slipped and told him I had a birthday party, but I also said I wasn't sure I was going to go, I was exhausted blah blah
Hurricane: So he says, "want to grab a drink after at one of my favorite beer bars"
Hurricane: now, thank g-d I'm NOT a light weight, so I go to this bar
Me: if you were a lightweight...you'd be done after the bottle!
Hurricane: we have a drink, really cute date place, I gave him serious props
Hurricane: so we're sitting at drink at the bar and he's like, "so where is the party? do you want to have another drink?"
Hurricane: at this point, I just said " I am exhausted, I think I am going head home after this, it was great but I’m fading!"
Me: I still don’t' know why I would be mad at you...
Hurricane: You would have called me out on my shit
Hurricane : So he gets me a cab, and tells the driver upper west side. Super nice, seriously.
Hurricane: I tell the driver, when you get to the light, we are going to turn and go to the meatpacking
Me: haha
Hurricane: the cab driver started laughing
Me: I'm laughing
Hurricane: Seriously, I was relieved. It was 12;30- we had been together for 3 and a half hours. That's fine, right?
Me: Long enough for a first blind date...gotta let it simmer... totally fine
Hurricane: and then I went to Brass Monkey and kicked it with the girls until 5!
Hurricane: so I got home at 5 and then woke up at 8 and went to the gym
Me: you didn't kiss him when you got in the cab?
Hurricane: No! I had no intention of kissing him
Hurricane: It wasn't really like that, and not to say I wouldn't.
Me: did he make second date plans w/you?
Hurricane: lol, no
Me: Amateur

Me: Sup?
LF: Supbleh
Me: Nice
(2 days later)
LF: Did u text me the other night?
Me: Yes
LF: what did u say?
Me: Sup?
Me: And you said "supbleh"
Me: And I said "nice"
LF: Sorry

Me: Why did you ditch me the other night? I thought we were going to meet up at 6?
North Carolina: I left the gym at 3:30 and was on my way home when I saw 2 girls from Gossip girl. I knew they lived in my area so I wanted to see where they lived. They went to a coffee shop so I went in too and sat for 45 minutes. I called some friends and we stood outside and smoked till they left. When they left we followed them some more and walked them to their apt, stopping at a few other shops for a min. When I got home it was 5:55, so I texted you and told you I couldn't make it. I love Gissip Girl! That's ok right?
Me: No rain check

Guy to his girlfriend as he's leaving the subway: Let's go you idiot
African American guy getting on the subway: Are you talking to me?
Guy turns flush white and says: No, no. Sorry, This is the idiot (pointing to his girlfriend).

Last Tuesday, someone who probably shouldn't have, found my website. This may be the SCARIEST thing of all. Stat Tracker from last week! (Click Picture for Larger Image)

Thursday, December 18, 2008

I'm Back! And Already Gone

I’m Back Baby!

I wish my 3 week hiatus was due to the fact that I was traveling somewhere interesting, or was working on some awesome project, or was at the least writing some great stories for you. None of those are really true, and my "I'm back" statement, has nothing to do with writing at all.

What I’m referring to is dating, I’m back in the mysterious world of online dating. That’s where I’ve been these last 3 weeks, that’s where I’ll be for at least a few more weeks until I’m broke, but I’m back. It’s been 4 years, but I’m back. Please, don’t ask me how "dry" my fall had to be for me to come to this decision.

The Beginning:
I created a new profile online… I’m 28 now (almost 29), and it’s a whole new world. The last time I was online, I was 24. The problem w/being a 24 year old is that everyone you’re searching for is 22-24, and those girls are searching for are 24-30. Technically, back then, I had no shot. Now, I have a shot…and it’s expensive.

I created a Kodakgallery with 25 pictures of me. I had friends pick their favorites, and the ones with the most votes got put into my profile.

The Rules/Strategy:
  • Don’t message anyone first.
  • Don’t go for the average.
  • Don’t bother with girls who currently live in Brooklyn or NJ and be selective with downtown or upper east.
  • Talk on the phone ahead of time.
  • No strong accents.
  • No only children.
  • No grew up in Manhattan.
  • There is such a thing as “too young.”
  • No dinner first meetings unless you are 100% sure they are attractive and fun.
  • If a girl has paid more for a featured profile, she is ugly.
  • If a girl only posts 1 or 2 good pictures because she can't find more, she is ugly.
  • If a girl isn’t facing ahead or doesn’t have pictures from a normal angle, she is ugly.
  • If a girl isn’t showing her body, look at her arms, they’ll tell you what you need to know.
  • Girls without pictures might be secretly hot, b/c the cute girls get bombarded by everyone.
  • If a girl seems like she is hiding something, she is.
  • No talking to someone online for weeks before meeting.
  • No taking anyone home until you are exclusive.
  • No filtering of thoughts.
  • Tell her not to dress up for you but to wear comfortable shoes.
  • Go to her neighborhood.
  • Pick places you’d like.
  • Walk her home if possible.
  • If you go to the movies with her, you don't like her.
  • If you meet up w/friends afterwords when she would have stayed for longer, you dont' like her.
  • If you don't talk to her for 4 days after you go out because you kidna forgot about her, you don't like her.
  • Don’t be her friend on facebook.

The results:

  • A massive amount of emails and conversations with strangers. Most these ladies seem like very nice, normal people.
  • Meetings with as many of these people as I could over the last three weeks, dinners, brunches, drinks, coffee, hot chocolate, drinks, dinners, more hot chocolate.
  • I clean up if someone actually does meet up with me. Compared to the idiots, losers, players, weirdo’s, creeps, etc, online, I’m a top draft pick. I knew this already, that’s not the problem.
  • I can’t crack the top female draft picks. There have to be more awesome girls out there. Everyone is normal and nice, but not many stand out. So few are confident or witty enough to challenge me. There seem to be a few of these girls online, but I can’t seem to crack the top 1%. They must get message from 100’s of people each week. How can they find me?
  • I’ve talked to enough nice people that there’s no way I can go out with all of them, or really give any of them a legitimate shot. Therefore, I’m done with it, for now, till I decide I don’t’ like any of the new people I’ve met.
  • I’m broke.

Funny-ish resulting stories:

  • I had a girl cancel our date because she was following two of the characters from gossip girl around the city and lost track of time. She bumped into them on her way home from the gym, stayed with them while they got coffee, then followed them home. When it was over it was 5 min before she was meeting me, and was still in her gym clothes, obv.
  • I went out w/a girl whose older sister I went out w/3 years earlier. She still wanted to meet me but was totally weirder out (her sister is now married).
  • A girl I went out with yelled at a waiter because he took a plate before everyone was finished (I actually kind of liked that because my grandma would do something like that.
  • I had a girl invite me upstairs on the first date (I politely declined).
  • A girl made me wait in my apt almost 2 hours while she got ready for a “spontaneous” date.
  • I went to the movies, I never do. That’s when you know you aren’t interested in someone.
  • I have other guy friends online dating, but I won’t be sloppy seconds, so I clear w/them who I’m going out with to make sure our paths don’t cross.
  • One of my friend keeps really good notes on the girls in a spreadsheet. They are hilarious and kinda scary at the same time. But I was talking to a girl he’d already met and he set me straight, so very helpful.
  • I went out w/a girl who said she was a dancer, but wasn’t a dancer. Said she had brown hair, but didn’t have hair. Said she looked like her pictures, but def didn’t look like her pictures.

As fast as I was back, I’m likely out again. My one month membership will expire this week, and I doubt I’ll reload. Considering it's impossible to even meet all the people I talked to over the first month, what's the point of a second? At least my dry fall has moved onto a wetter winter.

Related article next week: "Jdate Makes Me Fat"

(many of the facts of this post have been embellished... actually, that's the case in every post...but considering there are A FEW NEW READERS... they should know that much of this site is a joke, for fun, entertainment, to help remember, to be creative, and is based off of the truth, partially)

Sunday, December 14, 2008

Some Sunday Links

I have plenty to say... and hopefully w/late December coming around, I'll be able to share plenty of it. In the interim...

Updated "Ask Ben"

Updated "What Ben Needs" in time for my bday and the holidays. To summarize, a Macy's gift card so I can get everything myself. I'm just waiting for my little sister to post her "what Dannie needs" so I can get her something already!

Also, my niece asked my lil sister (who was babysitting) to call me. THIS is the voice message she left me. I hope the link works. Its sooo cute as she congratulates me for the Jets win.

The ZERO star hotel!

I actually don't think THIS was such a bad lesson plan... if executed properly

This isn't a bad idea to keep local businesses strong. I wonder if all the "Joes" in the city could come up w/something LIKE THIS.

A pretty good use of taxpayer money... Army trash talking Navy

If the kiss was good... DEAFNESS could be worth it.

I just don't even believe THIS