I wish my 3 week hiatus was due to the fact that I was traveling somewhere interesting, or was working on some awesome project, or was at the least writing some great stories for you. None of those are really true, and my "I'm back" statement, has nothing to do with writing at all.
What I’m referring to is dating, I’m back in the mysterious world of online dating. That’s where I’ve been these last 3 weeks, that’s where I’ll be for at least a few more weeks until I’m broke, but I’m back. It’s been 4 years, but I’m back. Please, don’t ask me how "dry" my fall had to be for me to come to this decision.
I created a new profile online… I’m 28 now (almost 29), and it’s a whole new world. The last time I was online, I was 24. The problem w/being a 24 year old is that everyone you’re searching for is 22-24, and those girls are searching for are 24-30. Technically, back then, I had no shot. Now, I have a shot…and it’s expensive.
I created a Kodakgallery with 25 pictures of me. I had friends pick their favorites, and the ones with the most votes got put into my profile.
- Don’t message anyone first.
- Don’t go for the average.
- Don’t bother with girls who currently live in Brooklyn or NJ and be selective with downtown or upper east.
- Talk on the phone ahead of time.
- No strong accents.
- No only children.
- No grew up in Manhattan.
- There is such a thing as “too young.”
- No dinner first meetings unless you are 100% sure they are attractive and fun.
- If a girl has paid more for a featured profile, she is ugly.
- If a girl only posts 1 or 2 good pictures because she can't find more, she is ugly.
- If a girl isn’t facing ahead or doesn’t have pictures from a normal angle, she is ugly.
- If a girl isn’t showing her body, look at her arms, they’ll tell you what you need to know.
- Girls without pictures might be secretly hot, b/c the cute girls get bombarded by everyone.
- If a girl seems like she is hiding something, she is.
- No talking to someone online for weeks before meeting.
- No taking anyone home until you are exclusive.
- No filtering of thoughts.
- Tell her not to dress up for you but to wear comfortable shoes.
- Go to her neighborhood.
- Pick places you’d like.
- Walk her home if possible.
- If you go to the movies with her, you don't like her.
- If you meet up w/friends afterwords when she would have stayed for longer, you dont' like her.
- If you don't talk to her for 4 days after you go out because you kidna forgot about her, you don't like her.
- Don’t be her friend on facebook.
- A massive amount of emails and conversations with strangers. Most these ladies seem like very nice, normal people.
- Meetings with as many of these people as I could over the last three weeks, dinners, brunches, drinks, coffee, hot chocolate, drinks, dinners, more hot chocolate.
- I clean up if someone actually does meet up with me. Compared to the idiots, losers, players, weirdo’s, creeps, etc, online, I’m a top draft pick. I knew this already, that’s not the problem.
- I can’t crack the top female draft picks. There have to be more awesome girls out there. Everyone is normal and nice, but not many stand out. So few are confident or witty enough to challenge me. There seem to be a few of these girls online, but I can’t seem to crack the top 1%. They must get message from 100’s of people each week. How can they find me?
- I’ve talked to enough nice people that there’s no way I can go out with all of them, or really give any of them a legitimate shot. Therefore, I’m done with it, for now, till I decide I don’t’ like any of the new people I’ve met.
- I’m broke.
Funny-ish resulting stories:
- I had a girl cancel our date because she was following two of the characters from gossip girl around the city and lost track of time. She bumped into them on her way home from the gym, stayed with them while they got coffee, then followed them home. When it was over it was 5 min before she was meeting me, and was still in her gym clothes, obv.
- I went out w/a girl whose older sister I went out w/3 years earlier. She still wanted to meet me but was totally weirder out (her sister is now married).
- A girl I went out with yelled at a waiter because he took a plate before everyone was finished (I actually kind of liked that because my grandma would do something like that.
- I had a girl invite me upstairs on the first date (I politely declined).
- A girl made me wait in my apt almost 2 hours while she got ready for a “spontaneous” date.
- I went to the movies, I never do. That’s when you know you aren’t interested in someone.
- I have other guy friends online dating, but I won’t be sloppy seconds, so I clear w/them who I’m going out with to make sure our paths don’t cross.
- One of my friend keeps really good notes on the girls in a spreadsheet. They are hilarious and kinda scary at the same time. But I was talking to a girl he’d already met and he set me straight, so very helpful.
- I went out w/a girl who said she was a dancer, but wasn’t a dancer. Said she had brown hair, but didn’t have hair. Said she looked like her pictures, but def didn’t look like her pictures.
As fast as I was back, I’m likely out again. My one month membership will expire this week, and I doubt I’ll reload. Considering it's impossible to even meet all the people I talked to over the first month, what's the point of a second? At least my dry fall has moved onto a wetter winter.
Related article next week: "Jdate Makes Me Fat"
(many of the facts of this post have been embellished... actually, that's the case in every post...but considering there are A FEW NEW READERS... they should know that much of this site is a joke, for fun, entertainment, to help remember, to be creative, and is based off of the truth, partially)