Spring Cut Day (also known as Look Both Ways Before You Cross the Street Day, LBWBYCTSD**) is approaching quickly, and it’s time to remind y'all how to properly take a sick day when you’re not really sick. I wrote THIS FIVE AND A HALF years ago. It doesn’t really apply anymore considering I don’t really have a direct boss… and don’t do anyone’s work but my own…and have an admin and a junior.
**As a reminder, Spring Cut Day / LBWBYCTSD takes place on the first sunny day of the year when the temperature hits 75 degrees. People are drawn outside, the streets are full of people, and there are actually people in the park. Additionally, girls are wearing all of their new spring outfits, and showing skin for the first time in 6-8 months. Drivers on the roads, are driving with their heads on a swivel, drawn to these girls like wild animals that haven't eaten in months. Thus, every year, someone gets hit by a car. Don't let it by you!! Please LBWBYCTS on the first few nice days of the year.
The Process for Calling in Sick (When 29 and Not Sick)
You must start this after lunch on the day BEFORE you want to take off. Check the weather ahead of time.
First, you need to redden your cheeks a bit. Running up the stairs is the preferred method, especially b/c a little sweat on the brow can't hurt your act. If that method isn’t possible, slap yourself around a bit, and go to the bathroom and put a damp cloth on your face.
Second, you need to work up a little cough, (sneezing is out of the question, it’s messy and not as easy to do on command). Walk around the office coughing a bit. Print something, pick it up coughing. Feel free to bend over for 4 seconds while coughing to add to the effect. Don’t say anything; just make sure a few people notice.
Next, around 4-5pm, walk over to your admin, junior, or coworker and something like “Man I feel like crap today. When do you think everyone’ll take off today? I should prob take off soon.” Your coworkers will likely tell you to go home now… stick it out if you want, either way. Notice how this varies from the previous “I have a boss” version, where you need to ask your boss if he has any more work for you today, b/c you aren’t feeling well and are trying to finish up at a reasonable hour.
Lastly, and most obviously, you need to call in sick the next morning. This piece of the puzzle is a joke, it’s easy! Use a deep, groggy voice. Set your alarm for early in the morning. Leave the message before anyone gets to the office, either with your coworkers, or your admin. Say, “Hey, its Jami, I’m still not feeling well and I’m not going to make it in right now. I could hardly sleep last night. Maybe I’ll come in this afternoon if I’m feeling better. If you need anything, call 555-1212.”
I would say the success rate of convincing everyone you're sick is close to 90%.
Much more difficult is the sick half day, in which you leave work early, just after lunch, b/c you are sick. This is necessary when you’re at work, and all of a sudden, the day gets really beautiful, and someone who’s already having a Spring Cut Day, calls or emails you to join.
Process for Mid Day Sick Cutting (When 29 and Not Sick):
1) Go to the bathroom for 20 minutes and put water on your face on the way out
2) Make your cheeks a little rosier than normal.
3) Walk by your coworkers/admin, looking down and not smiling, with your hand on your stomach.
4) Talk a little slower than normal when talking to coworkers/admin. Take pauses mid sentence.
5) When this is noticed, say “Sorry, I’m not feeling that well.”
6) Walk back to those same coworkers/admin, with bad posture (slightly bent over, hand on stomach), and say, “I think I should leave, I’m really not feeling well.”
I’d say there’s a 75% chance your coworkers/admin will agree w/you and say “go home, feel better.” Then you hit the park.