Friday, May 29, 2009

Worst Weekend Ever - By Flamingo

The Worst Weekend Ever - Why I Hate Pittsburgh
By Flamingo
Edited by Meistro
(Editor’s note: I have decided to keep track of all 61 things that went wrong, thus the numbers)

Chapter 1: The Setup

Several years ago I was invited to a wedding in Pittsburgh. I knew the guy who was getting married, as he (briefly) dated a friend of mine who was also going to the wedding. Basically, this guy (Satan) that I also sort of knew, but not well, needed a date.

He was in the wedding party, so he needed a date that was able to hold her own. Enter me. We had never dated and I knew him as a friend of my friend, from high school.

I agreed to go because I knew a bunch of people who were going, including this mutual friend, so I knew I would have a good time with her no matter what.

You might ask, “Why go with a stranger?” Well, he was cute, I like parties, and my friends were going.

Since we had a lot of lead time before this wedding (I said I would go in like, July, the wedding was in October or something), Satan, and I started talking.
And talking…
And talking…
And next thing you know, we are talking for hours every day. We like each other.

Of course, I’m thinking, “This is super. We are going to hook up!”

Unfortunately, we did not hang out except for that time in July when he asked me to go with him. He did not live in the city, he was from NJ and at the time he was living in Delaware.

Chapter 2: Invisible Driving
The plan is for him to drive from Delaware and pick me up at work on Thursday; we're doing the rehearsal dinner, the wedding on sat, etc. We are driving to Pittsburgh. (1)

Once we are in the car, after months of getting along famously, he says not one word to me. (2)
Nothing…
It is so awkward… (3)
He didn’t even try… (4)
It is unbelievable…
But not for long…

We are maybe, 45 minutes out of the city, on the turnpike and he starts freaking out. He’s all, “Something is wrong. OMG! My heart just skipped a beat, I'm having trouble breathing." (5)
He is convinced he is having a HEART ATTACK and I’m sitting in the passenger seat trying to talk him down.
He is freaking out!
I tell him to pull over (6)
He does and we take a walk around the car. He drinks some water. He thinks he's ok. He gets back on the road. I'm good in emergencies.

10 minutes later
"It happened again, something's wrong." (7)
He's a total mess. Sweat dripping from his brow, pale skin.
We pull over again. (8)
I feed him some food, give him some more water, and tell him to get in the passenger seat and close his eyes, take deep breaths. I will drive. (9)

So far not his fault, but it’s only Thursday afternoon at this point. I drive the ENTIRE FUCKING WAY (10) to Pittsburgh while he sleeps next to me. (11)

Chapter 3: No Money, No Problem
We arrive at the hotel and go to check in to our room, under his name. I’m sure you can guess who's credit card is declined. (12) You can probably guess who put her card on the room instead. (13) Apparently, because he rented a car, they put a $2,000 hold on the card.

Of course, he's very apologetic. "I'll write you a check. I'm so sorry, etc."

We go upstairs, he's feeling better, and we decide to go out with our friends who are already in Pittsburgh. Going out was great, we had fun. While frustrating, none of this was really his fault so I didn’t blame or “strongly dislike” him, yet.

Later that night, we go back to the hotel room and go to sleep. There has never been a wider space between two people in a hotel room bed, ever. (14) 1 bed, 5 feet in between us. At this point, if Friday or Saturday goes well, it’s still “on” between us. At least in my mind this is what I’m thinking.

Chapter 4: Friday Freakout
Friday morning, I wake up, he's gone.
I look out the window, onto the parking lot.
It's like 815am.
He is pacing the parking lot, on the phone. (15)
He comes inside. "It's happening again, there's something wrong with my heart" (16)
He’s totally freaking out.
He wants to wake up the GROOM and have him take him to the hospital. I say, "Don't do that, I’ll take you." (17)

So I drive him to the hospital, where he is promptly admitted, as he believes he is having a heart attack. (18)

He asks me to call his parents whom I have never met. (19) I tell them what is going on. I’m giving them updates every few minutes. They jump in the car, driving from northern NJ to Pittsburgh, talking to this strange girl (me) the whole way.

We are at the hospital ALL DAY! (20)
ALL FUCKING DAY!
There's nothing wrong with him. (21)
He was, as you properly guessed, having a panic attack.
He was a little over caffeinated because apparently on Thursday he had gotten up really early and had like 18 double espressos… and 5 sodas.

I call back his parents again and tell them not to come, after they’ve been driving for 2 hours. (22)

If this was all that had happened, it wouldn't be "the worst weekend ever."

Chapter 5: Rehearsing for What?
We go that night to the rehearsal dinner.
It was lovely.
We go out.
We have a great time.
Things are looking up, but we don’t hook up.

Chapter 6: Wedding Day Disasters
Saturday, the morning of the wedding, all our other friends arrive (including some of my best friends from NJ).
It's great.
We go to ceremony.
It’s lovely.
We go back to hotel.

Satan (my date) takes the limo to the reception with the rest of the wedding party, without me, as planned. (23)

I am with my best friend and about 5 other people -- the only other guests our age at the wedding who aren't in the wedding party. We find out, that there is no transportation from the church or hotel to the reception, which is like, 45 minutes away. (24) No bus. No van. No carpool. Nothing. My date didn’t know this, or didn’t tell me. (25)

Satan has the keys to his car with him, (26) and who wants to drive to a wedding anyway? Thus, we call a cab to take us there, which takes 1/2 hour to arrive at the hotel. (27) As we are waiting, we miss the cocktail hour, which I DO NOT LIKE. (28)

Just as the cab comes, we get a text message that the wedding is "running out of alcohol" (29)
We are concerned.
We finally arrive at the reception.
We pay $35 for the cab (30)
We are not pleased

Chapter 7: I Didn't Receive Anything at the Reception
We arrive at reception about 1 1/2 hours late convinced the bar is running out of booze. This results in double 7&7s with Jagermeister chasers. We had thought that possibly the “running out of alcohol text” was a joke. It was not a joke. (31) They only had an alcohol budget of like, $350 dollars. (32)

The reception is at some shithole hall and it's got these crucified bleeding Jesuses all over the walls. (33) In fact, I have a picture of me and best friend posing in front of giant crucified Jesus. For mental image’s sake, the reception ballroom had plastic table cloths. (34) (Editor’s note, I don’t think “Jesuses” is a word, but I’m not sure you can even pluralize it properly)

None of that is Satan’s fault, but it still contributes to the worst weekend ever.

After hitting the $350 limit, the bar shifted to a cash bar and then they completely ran out. (35) Either way, at the reception, Satan does not even glance in my direction. Let alone talk to me. (36)

Somehow, I’m fine with this. At this point, I’ve given up. (37) All those hopes and great conversations we’d had leading up to this point had become pretty much meaningless. It appears as though Satan is going to be hooking up with some snaggletoothed fat ass bridesmaid. (38) Whatever. (Editor’s note, I think snaggletooth's are sexy)

So the wedding ends and the wedding party leaves, in the limo. (39)
However, it takes 45 additional minutes for our cab to come. (40) During this waiting period, they close the reception hall, (41) and throw us all (about 7 of us) out into the parking lot. (42)

Then the bride walks by with her mother.
Mother: who are all these people in the parking lot?
Bride: oh, they are “Groom’s” friends from NJ. They are Soooooo low class. (43)


Of course, to solidify her point, my friend “J” ended up breaking some stuff. (44)

Chapter 8: After the Party It's the Hotel Lobby
The cab arrives and it's THE SAME CAB DRIVER. We get in the cab and at this point, we know our saving grace will be.......... THE HOTEL BAR
We are excited.

However, after a substantial period of time, we realize that we are driving around in circles.(45) We realized that it did not take this long to get from the hotel to the reception. When we ask where we are, driver says we’re on the way. When we ask the fair, he says $75! (46)

Considering this is the same cab driver as before, we know it didn't cost that much, and he knows it to. We tell him we don't have the $$.

He pulls over on the highway and tells us to get out. (47)
We get out. (48)
I manage to convince the guy we have the money, considering there are 3 of us standing outside of the cab on the highway. He lets us back in the cab and drives us to the hotel. As we get out of the cab at the hotel “P” punches the cab driver in the face (49), and then runs inside and gets some cops to arrest him for trying to rip us off. Of course, ”P’s” loaded but somehow, we manage to escape this situation.

We see Satan and fat-ass bridesmaid at the hotel bar.
Right as we arrive, the hotel bar closes. (50)
Satan disappears with snaggletooth. (51)
(After all the frustrations of the weekend, I probably would have hooked up w/him at this point still, just to have one good thing to say about this weekend.)

We spend the next half hour in the lobby trying to convince the hotel bar to serve us. (52)
Finally, it's 3 am, I decide to go back to my room. You might not be surprised at this point to learn, I am locked out. (53) Chain lock on our hotel room that I’m paying for.
I give up.
We go to Denny’s. (54) (Editor’s note: Actually, this doesn’t count, I love Denny’s) (53)
We return to hotel.

I sleep, for 2 hours, (54) almost completely naked (55) wedged in between “N” and “P” in a twin bed. (56) They are sharing the room with another couple who are getting it on in the bathroom.(57) I have no clothes because all I had was my dress, which didn’t require a bra even.

Chapter 9: Leaving Pittsburg Forever
We wake up at 6:15am. (58)
I return to my room.
It is empty.
I take my stuff and bounce. Apparently Satan went back to that girl’s room at some point during the night.

The high point of the weekend was the truck stop we visited somewhere on the Pennsylvania Turnpike. It had good milkshakes.

“N” drove me to NJ, while “P” vomited in the back. (59) He may have had a bit too much to drink. Maybe it was the sight or memory of me topless. Regardless.

That's it. That's "The Worst Weekend Ever"

Afterword:
Satan proceeded to move BACK to NJ not terribly long afterwards. He moved in with my friend “N” for nearly two years. (60)

About 4 months ago, when he moved out, I emailed him, to ask if he would send me a check for the hotel room. Who wouldn't like an extra $300 from someone who's not really your friend anymore? He actually had the balls to never respond to my email. Not even a "money's really tight for me now, I'm sorry" or "really, I thought we had already worked that out" or "I thought we were going to split it 50/50." (all of which would have been big fat lies) (61)

Word on the street was that like, 2 days before we left for Pittsburgh, his ex girlfriend of long time told him she wanted to get back together.

Wednesday, May 06, 2009

Introducing Jami and Other Things I’ve Been Thinking

3 weeks ago I found my twin brother and have been hanging out with him a lot lately. Jami was separated from me at birth and recently moved to NYC once we reconnected. He even changed his last name to match mine! He grew up in Iowa and went to college there. Now he’s an aspiring writer… at least that’s what I put on his Facebook profile. Huh? Confused yet? Well, to explain, I created him out of thin air. (Kinda like Idiot Boy)

He exists in my stories, on Facebook, and when I’m wearing fake glasses. His Facebook profile has a few pictures of him, and last weekend when I was walking around the city for 10 hours and 32 miles, I changed clothes and took some pictures with him. Here they are.





















He’s also gotten some random Facebook friend requests recently. I sent this response to Amy, who invited Jami to a party.
“Amy,
Thanks for the message and I appreciate the invite. However, and unfortunately, I'm not a real person. I was created by someone with bipolar disorder so he could address his multiple personality issues. Good luck with your party and maybe my other personality will show up.
Jami”

This other girl created a second FB profile for work, so she could invite random people to her company’s parties and events. I wrote this to her.
“What's up? It seems like your FB alter ego just requested my fake FB twin. Why are you sending requests? Shouldn't you attach lil descriptors/disclaimers of what/why you are doing it first?”

It’s not that I have so much free time; it’s that I’ve got to take breaks at work for stress relief reasons.

Imentor:
As I mentioned in my Q&A yesterday, I entered a program last week called Imentor, where you’re matched up with a high school kid for a minimum of a year. For time constraint purposes, it’ll likely cost me about 6 hours a month. I can handle that. The program requires that you email with your mentee once a week, in opening, body, closing paragraph style. The program gives the kids the topics, and they email you first, you merely respond. Additionally, once a month you meet with your mentee at an Imentor sponsored event. In order to get in, I had to give 4 references, get interviewed, and submit to fingerprinting. I don’t think I’ve been fingerprinted since elementary school. When I told that to the guy administering, I told him second grade was the last time I was arrested. I have not been accepted yet, and the mentoring runs on a school calendar, so I won’t start until October. However, my references have been called, and the diligence by the detective agency hired by Imentor for screening seems pretty good. I just hope that I have a fake twin brother, doesn’t exclude me from mentoring.

I Think This is What I Think about Leggings, Fashion Trends, Text Message Roulette and Other Things:
I don’t dislike leggings. I dislike leggings as pants unless you have a perfect ass. Leggings under a short skirt can be very sexy, but I don’t really like them underneath a long t-shirt or sweater where half of your ass is hanging out (again, unless you have a perfect ass). To me, it kinda takes the mystery away b/c its pretty much like seeing a girl’s body naked, but painted in black. It’s not sexy, it’s too revealing. Why not just walk around w/o no pants on at all.... I also prefer boy shorts to other types of underwear for the same reasons… Of course, I have no idea about fashion, considering I only follow about 7 rules.

I think that I’m so behind the fashion trends, that I could use this lack of expertise to make money. I think that once I learn about a trend, I should find that company’s stock and short it (sell it and hope it goes down). I think I heard about Lululemon, right about when their stock was at an all time high. I think Crocs followed the same pattern, as did many other things. I think I can make a lot of money with my uncoolness.

I think I don’t like guys with sideburns. I’m not sure how this differs from my total dislike of men in general, but I’m judgmental, and sideburns are a bad start.

I think I just learned what a two bagger is. I think the way it was described to me is that you put 2 bags on and would rather but your own arm off before you take the other bag off.

I think my experiment with avoiding texting is over. I think I started calling people and saying “I’m so tired” and then hanging up, b/c that’s what I would have done if I texted them. I think that just made it worse.
Speaking of texts, I think I play text message roulette every once in a while. I think about half of the text messages I send are teetering on the brink of obscene, offensive, mean spirited or damn right inappropriate. Considering this, often I’m not sure if I should send a message, and so I wait until I’m in an area with little or no wireless services. When there, I hit send, and that way I feel like whether the message goes through or not is in g-d’s hands. Yes, I leave some of my text messages to fate.

Sunday, May 03, 2009

Combined Q&A

I've combined a relationship Q&A w/a random one...

Barbi - What casual clothes can a girl wear and still look sexy?

I’m not going to mention the overalls again, which were discussed here and in the comments, but I’d say there isn’t much like a wife beater. A knee high dress mixed w/a wife beater is casual and sexy as hell. (Any color)

BIL2 - At what point in a relationship should one's significant other get the #1 speed dial position? If they don't have it by the time they are married, who is entitled to be before them?

What if there is a disparity between them, i.e. A has B as #1 but B does not have A as #1, does that say something about the relationship?

The speed dial rules aren’t well established and there are considerable variations and variables that must be taken into account. Of course, my first phone had 99 speed dials and I had over 70 filled in and people would test me on them. My parents were 24 and 27 back then! However, a standard base of rules should apply at all times for new phones.

1. Home (parent’s house) if you’re unmarried, spouse if you’re married. It’s pretty much only for your emergency contact, whoever that may be.
2. Reserved for significant others only. Of course, for me, it’s my parent’s other home number, b/c I have nowhere near needing it for something else.
3. Parent’s Cell
4. Parent’s Cell
5. Best friend
6. Sibling 1 (everyone has to have 1 sibling, those are the rules)
7. Sibling 2 or roommate
8. Friends, siblings, In-Laws
9. Friends, siblings, In-Laws

Things to note: If significant other wants #1, A) explain that it’s the number if something happens to you, and that you spend so much time together, that you’ll probably be together when that happens so you won’t need to be called. Additionally, #2, # 5, and #8 are actually more important, and can be argued as such, because of their place on the phone… in the middle. Argue that 2 is better than 1 or 3. That is also why your best friend is at #5.

As to your disparity question, no love is equal. Someone always like one more than the other likes back (in my experiences at least). The person who likes more will move the other up the speed dial list preemptively, to prove his or her love. However, this is the wrong course. All it does is solidify the person of power in their position of power. It’s showing your cards in the love power game.

Embarrassing Convo:
Terrible With Boys: I met a guy last night and he's in town for 12 more days, while I'm in town for 10. Should I call him today?
Have you ever met a guy before? No, he’ll call/message you.
TWB - I didn’t give him my number, I got his.
WHY? Have you ever met a guy before? I wouldn’t call, I would text. Remember, whatever your instincts are, they are wrong, so do the opposite.

I was dead serious in that last test. This girl is cute, and wants to hook up and strikes out constantly. She has no idea what she’s doing.

Barbi - Back in college, I used to sleep with this guy... let's call him Jared. It was college, he was with other people, I was with other people, and then he was with his girlfriend and let's just say things ended badly and we didn't speak for many years. We reconnected 2 years ago, sent each other wonderfully clever and touching emails catching each other up on our lives, but I was living abroad and he got into a relationship. When we first saw each other again, he was already living with her. For the last 6 months we get together once a month for drinks or lunch and there is some flirtation, and he will complain about his girlfriend's shortcomings and say inappropriately sexually overt things... I find myself feeling all the old feelings I used to have for him, and more... I get stressed out before each meeting, hoping I look perfect, rehearsing my entrance, it’s pretty pathetic... I know he won't cheat on her, then what is he doing? is this an ego boost for him? what am i doing? should i stop seeing him?

My first instinct, of course, is to respond to your crazy talk, and you “rehearsing your entrance” was by far the best example. What are you nuts? Do you think that matters at all? Wow…
Now, onto your questions.

What is he doing? Is this an ego boost? He is being totally inappropriate. Maybe he won’t cheat on her, maybe he will. He probably is already. Do you think his gf knows you two are hanging out once a month? (Answer, no) Do you think she would approve of it (Answer, no). When you have a GF, and you’re supposedly in love, and you’re living with that person, there isn’t any reason to be in contact with an ex, making inappropriate sexually overt comments to her, and flirting with her. Many girls would call those actions cheating on their own. There’s nothing wrong with him complaining about his girlfriend, but there is everything wrong with him doing it to you. This isn't an ego boost, this is him testing the waters, and his GF should know.

What are you doing? Should you stop seeing him? First, you aren’t doing anything wrong socially. BUT that doesn’t mean you aren’t screwing yourself over. You’re not looking at the long term, only the short term. If he does break up w/his gf, or he does cheat w/you, hanging out with him now doesn’t guarantee he’ll ever get together with you. All you are guaranteeing is that you’ll like him more than he likes you, and that you’ll hook up once (or a few times if he’s cheating).

This guy created a very emotional situation for you in college, and thus you’ve got some unsettled issues to work through. He brings up memories and feelings that you haven’t felt in a while, b/c you’re not the same person you were back then. That doesn’t mean these are good or bad feelings, but that connection you have, is based on an emotionally turbulent past.
Are you two friends? No. Are you lovers? No. Is the fact that you two are hanging out, and in this capacity, inappropriate? Yes. Not that you should be telling him this, but he should be respecting his current girlfriend. You’ll never trust him if you ever do end up w/him b/c of what he’s doing to his current girlfriend, making this extremely unhealthy. If you want to hang out with him, she should be in the know, and be around. If not, you shouldn’t be hanging out until she’s gone, or until you’re in a committed relationship (if you trust yourself).

Why do you want to be a high school mentor?

I saw the movie role models and they had fun. Actually, I was sitting in Union Square a few weeks ago when a homeless person asked me for some money. I said no, and looked away, not even making eye contact. He then walked up to an old lady with a shopping cart full of stuff, obviously homeless to. I watched her take out a green dollar and give it to him. I have no idea the denomination, but no matter what, it was more than I ever would have given him. Seeing that, made me think, “I can do more for this world.” So, I’m trying to do more.

Hurricane - Don't you think companies should have a designated spring break for theiremployees?

That's absurd... it should be in the summer. We should all take 2 week vacations at the end of the summer like they do in Europe. The whole country should just vacation.

How do you know when your personality is getting old?

For a guy, there are 11 distinct signs that you are no longer young.

There is no beer paraphernalia on your walls or sitting on your shelves
You have a bike rack.
Your couch was not handed down or purchased on craigslist.
You think Monday Night Football games end too late.
You shower on days when you don’t leave the house.
When you get home from work and take off your shirt, you check to see if lint in your belly button.
You go to bars before 10pm on a Saturday and it’s been over a year since you stayed out till 5am.
You complain about aches and pains that you would have ignored in college.
You take sick days when you ACTUALLY are sick.
You talk about work more than sports and you enjoy talking about work
You eat sushi more than once a week and/or enjoy eating sushi in general.