Sunday, August 22, 2010

Pet Peeves

While I was in the Hamptons this week, we came across a dog that was running around the neighborhood without its owner. After searching for the search party on bikes (figuring that the owner was actually looking for it) we gave up and had dinner. Five hours after we found the dog, we’d called animal control, called the police, got the owners number, found the owners house, but had not gotten in touch with the owner. A professional dog searcher had come to pick up the dog. The owner, having too many other things to do than look for her dog, was an hour away...probably drinking. The professional dog searcher is legendary, famous, a little crazy, and hates pet owners almost as much as I do. She’s even had a New York Times article written about her, where she describes the reason people lose their pets as “stupidity, stupidity and more stupidity.”


I love talking about pets and bad pet owners, but am told to avoid doing so because of my somewhat controversial opinions. Screw that, I’m gonna talk about pets, people who have pets, and the absurdity of those people, pets, and other animals. Here’s a good summary about my thoughts.


Birds:
There isn’t anything more evil than a bird owner. Thinking back through my personal history, I don’t think I’ve ever liked one. Birds are animals with the gift of flight, a gift I’ve dreamt about, a gift that we give to superhero’s because it’s such an amazing ability. Yet these owners take their birds and cage them, literally putting them in jail for the rest of their lives. Sometimes, their wings are even clipped. When these birds cry foul, desperate for escape, bird owners throw specially made covers over their cages to confuse the bird into thinking it’s night time. Imagine if owners did this with dogs? Imagine if every dog’s legs were cut off so it couldn’t’ run away and it was never allowed out of its cage and if it was loud, people would just cover the cages. Sounds like pure evil to me.


Dogs:
Dear City Dog Owners: I’m really glad you love your dog and your dog loves you. I’m sure he loves being locked up in your apartment all day waiting and waiting for any sign of the key in the door. Dogs are needy animals… they need companionship, they like to play. Nicknamed Man’s Best Friend, when their best friend isn’t around, they get lonely, depressed, and can rebel. Thus, I believe that having a dog in the city, leaving it locked up in your 600 sq ft apt while you are at work for 10 hours a day, is torture. I have no clue why PETA attacks the treatment of animals in show business, but does nothing for those stuck living in city life. Dogs need backyards, dogs need space, and dogs need people. I believe it should be illegal to own one without a backyard, no matter how big or small the dog is. These so called dog lovers, who are sooo mushy and cuddly with their dogs, are knowingly animal torturers (perhaps in denial). If you love your dog, and you live in the city, then set it free and give it a better life with a yard and owners who are home.

Dog Sanitation:
Why are dogs allowed to pee and poop wherever they want? I don’t care if you pick up after them; it’s still an animal pooping on the sidewalk. How is this acceptable? Obviously it’s not ok for a human to poop on the sidewalk, even if they pick it up… So why is it ok for dogs to do so? It’s disgusting…gross to the core. Why do I have to be subjugated to stepping in urine on the sidewalk every day? No wonder some people don’t allow you to wear shoes in their homes.


Horses:
I don’t know how horses survived evolution. Everything I’ve ever read points to how fragile these animals are. Bad circulation, infections, hooves that break easily, horses are a genetic disaster. When you consider that the best course of action for a horse that breaks his leg is to kill it on the spot, you wonder how they survived. I have 20 friends who’ve broken their legs over the years, and their bodies weren’t built to run at 40 mph. A horse was built to go fast and carry people yet if they get injured, they need to die, ASAP. Seinfeld sums it up well.

Cats:
I have no problem with cats or cat owners, besides that they are boring. You’d don’t have to really take care of them, and they don’t need attention. Additionally, they’re really cute when young and they just love to sleep and do nothing all day. They’re a purr-fect city pet.

2 comments:

Anonymous said...

Amen! Glad I have a cat, Ben! Phew! -Starr

Anonymous said...

My cat is not boring. He is playful (favorite game is fetch) and very affectionate.
if possible, i would attach a picture of my awesome kitty so all could see and be jealous
- OCD