Here I go, Again, Again, On my Own

Dear Media: Do Your Job!

2012-01-12T18:48:00.009-05:00

I have been commenting on quite a few political articles recently because they fail to question anything a politician says, reporting all statements as fact. By reporting on a Romney speech, repeating his words that “Obama apologizes for America,” and not following up that comment by stating how the statement a lie, an article is actually endorsing that position. By not calling out the candidate, the article misinforms its readers.

The NYT public editor addressed this with a question to its readers today, asking if they think political speech demands fact checking. He didn't like the responses. (The NYT also responded, comments on all these articles are amazing)The NYT wants to seem unbiased, but by allowing liars to lie, they are, in actuality, taking a side. Paul Krugman likes to joke about political journalists by stating (and I’m paraphrasing b/c I don’t remember exactly) that if a republican candidate said “The Earth is flat,” a journalist would write an article titled “Views Differ on Shape of Planet.” Obviously, there is a right and there is a wrong… and there should be with all political speech about economics, politics and anything else.

While I was watching Romney speak following his New Hampshire primary victory, I couldn’t help but notice all of the lies, distortions and straw man arguments he makes. So, I went through his speech and ran some calculations; obviously some offenses are worse than others. Here’s what I found:

Total sentences: 91
Complete Lies: 18
Distortions: 20
Straw Man Arguments: 28
Total Misleading Statements: 66

This should be front page news! Right under the “Romney Wins NH” should be an article titled “Romney lies and distorts on Obama and facts in Victory Speech.” Romney's lies and straw man arguments should be front page headlines, not editorials or blog posts. Seventy five percent of his speech was misleading. These are not misstatements, they are deliberate.

Straw Man Sidebar: For those of you who don’t know what a straw man argument is, it’s when someone says something true, falsely implying that the other does not believe it. ie, if Romney said “I believe America is the greatest place on earth,” during a speech about Obama’s policy, he would be implying that Obama does not believe that.

Here's Romney's speech: (explanations below)
1) Thank you, New Hampshire! Tonight, we made history! – (Distortion)
2) This state has always been a special place for our family. Ann and I made a home here and we’ve filled it with great memories of our children and grandchildren. And this Granite State moment is one we will always remember.
3) Tonight, we celebrate. Tomorrow, we go back to work.
4) We remember when Barack Obama came to New Hampshire four years ago.
5) He promised to bring people together. (Straw Man)(Distortion)
6) He promised to change the broken system in Washington. (Straw Man)
7) He promised to improve our nation. (Straw Man)(Distortion)
8) Those were the days of lofty promises made by a hopeful candidate. Today, we are faced with the disappointing record of a failed President. The last three years have held a lot of change, but they haven’t offered much hope.
9) The middle class has been crushed. Nearly 24 million of our fellow Americans are still out of work, struggling to find work, or have just stopped looking. (Distortion)
10) The median income has dropped 10% in four years. Soldiers returning from the front lines are waiting in unemployment lines.
11) Our debt is too high and our opportunities too few. (Distortion)
12) And this President wakes up every morning, looks out across America and is proud to announce, “It could be worse.” (Lie)
13) It could be worse? Is that what it means to be an American? It could be worse? Of course not. (Straw Man)
14) What defines us as Americans is our unwavering conviction that we know it must be better.
15) That conviction guides our campaign. It has rallied millions of Americans in every corner of this country to our cause.
16) Over the last six months, I’ve listened to anxious voices in town meetings and visited with students and soldiers. In break rooms and living rooms, I’ve heard stories of families getting by on less, of carefully planned retirements now replaced by jobs at minimum wage. But even now, amidst the worst economy since the Great Depression, I’ve rarely heard a refrain of hopelessness.
17) Americans know that our future is brighter and better than these troubled times. We still believe in the hope, the promise, and the dream of America. (Straw Man)
18) We still believe in that shining city on a hill. (Straw Man)
19) We know that the future of this country is better than 8 or 9% unemployment.
20) It is better than $15 trillion in debt.(Distortion)
21) It is better than the misguided policies and broken promises of the last three years – and the failed leadership of one man. (Distortion)
22) The President has run out of ideas. (Lie)
23) Now, he’s running out of excuses. And tonight, we are asking the good people of South Carolina to join the citizens of New Hampshire and make 2012 the year he runs out of time.
24) President Obama wants to put free enterprise on trial. (Lie)
25) In the last few days, we have seen some desperate Republicans join forces with him. (Distortion)
26) This is such a mistake for our Party and for our nation. This country already has a leader who divides us with the bitter politics of envy. (Distortion)
27) We must offer an alternative vision. I stand ready to lead us down a different path, where we are lifted up by our desire to succeed, not dragged down by a resentment of success. (Straw Man)
28) In these difficult times, we cannot abandon the core values that define us as unique -- We are One Nation, Under God. (Straw Man)
29) Make no mistake, in this campaign, I will offer the American ideals of economic freedom a clear and unapologetic defense. (Lie, Distortion & Straw Man)
30) Our campaign is about more than replacing a President; it is about saving the soul of America. This election is a choice between two very different destinies.
31) President Obama wants to “fundamentally transform” America. (Lie)
32) We want to restore America to the founding principles that made this country great. (Distortion, Straw Man)
33) He wants to turn America into a European-style entitlement society. (Lie)
34) We want to ensure that we remain a free and prosperous land of opportunity. (Straw Man)
35) This President takes his inspiration from the capitals of Europe; (Lie) we look to the cities and small towns of America. (Straw Man)
36) This President puts his faith in government. (Lie)
37) We put our faith in the American people. (Straw Man)
38) He is making the federal government bigger, burdensome, and bloated. (Lie, Distortion)
39) I will make it simpler, smaller, and smarter.(Distortion)
40) He raised the national debt. I will cut, cap, and balance the budget. (Distortion, Lie)
41) He enacted job-killing regulations; I’ll eliminate them. (Lie)
42) He lost our AAA credit rating; I’ll restore it. (Lie, Distortion, Lie)
43) He passed Obamacare; I’ll repeal it. (Distortion)
44) When it comes to the economy, my highest priority as President will be worrying about your job, not saving my own. (Straw Man)
45) Internationally, President Obama has adopted an appeasement strategy. (Lie)
46) He believes America’s role as leader in the world is a thing of the past. (Lie) I believe a strong America must – and will – lead the future. (Straw Man)
47) He doesn’t see the need for overwhelming American military superiority. (Lie) I will insist on a military so powerful no one would think of challenging it. (Straw Man)
48) He chastises friends like Israel; (Distortion) I’ll stand with our friends. (Straw Man, Lie)
49) He apologizes for America; (Lie) I will never apologize for the greatest nation in the history of the Earth. (Straw Man)
50) Our plans protect freedom and opportunity, and our blueprint is the Constitution of the United States. (Straw Man)
51) The path I lay out is not one paved with ever increasing government checks and cradle-to-grave assurances that government will always be the solution. (Straw Man)
52) If this election is a bidding war for who can promise more benefits, then I’m not your President. You have that President today. (Distortion)
53) But if you want to make this election about restoring American greatness, then I hope you will join us. (Straw Man)
54) If you believe the disappointments of the last few years are a detour, not our destiny, then I am asking for your vote.
55) I’m asking each of you to remember how special it is to be an American.
56) I want you to remember what it was like to be hopeful and excited about the future, not to dread each new headline. (Straw Man)
57) I want you to remember when you spent more time dreaming about where to send your kids to college than wondering how to make it to the next paycheck. (Straw Man)
58) I want you to remember when you weren’t afraid to look at your retirement savings or the price at the pump. (Straw Man)
59) I want you to remember when our White House reflected the best of who we are, not the worst of what Europe has become. (Distortion, Straw Man)
60) That America is still out there. We still believe in that America. (Straw Man)
61) We still believe in the America that is a land of opportunity and a beacon of freedom. (Straw Man, Distortion)
62) We believe in the America that challenges each of us to be better and bigger than ourselves. (Straw Man)
63) This election, let’s fight for the America we love. We believe in America.
64) Thank you. God bless you. And God bless the United States of America.”
The Straw Man arguments are obvious, so I won’t describe them below. Here are the explanations of the distortions and lies.

1) Starting off weak… while technically “everything” is history, there is nothing remotely "historical" about winning 39% of the vote in NH.
5) Obama appointed republicans in his administration, he searched for bipartisan solutions, and was forced to go w/o bipartisan support b/c of Republican obstructionism. To blame Obama for Romney’s party’s decision to draw battle lines and never negotiate is misleading.
7) By almost all accounts, our nation is better off due to Obama. More Americans have healthcare, jobs have been created, the auto industry was saved, OBL was killed, and financial regulation and consumer protections were enacted.
9) The number of people who have stopped looking for work is not reported, so assumptions are involved. Similarly, struggling to find work is an objective measure. Blaming Obama for unemployment is completely misleading.
11) This is a misleading opinion that many take as fact. Our debt is 3x higher than when Clinton was president, but rates are 3x lower, so the impact of that debt, or our ability to pay for it, is unchanged. Rates are low precisely because investors are not worried about the size of our debt.
12) I actually have no direct knowledge of this on, but I assume the President does not do this.
20) Similar to 11, debt is not a problem (it could be eventually, but it isn’t now)
21) Romney has yet to describe the misguided policies or broken promises, he needs more detail to describe how this statement is not misleading.
22) Every day I hear the president on TV/Radio/News discussing new ideas. Most are rejected by the House.
24) I have not heard or read of the President rejecting the idea of free enterprise.
25) I have not heard other Republican candidates discuss abolishing free enterprise. Nor did they say they were standing with Obama against Romney.
26) The “politics of envy” was invented by Romney. The reality is that while GDP per household & Income per household have gone up, most of it went to the top 1%. From 1979 to 2007, the income for the top 1% is up 275%, for the next 19%, up 50% and for the rest barely up on an annual basis. It isn’t envy, it is expanding inequality.
29) That Obama apologizes for America and our defense is one of the top lies of the year. The distortion is that republican ideals for economic freedom are America’s. Many in America believe in Democratic ideals of freedom (like no torture and no warrantless wiretaps).
31) Obama has never mentioned fundamentally changing America or pushed legislation to do so.
32) America still very much is governed by our founding principles. The constitution has not changed since the 90’s and the Supreme Court now leans conservative. No change needed.
33) Obama has never mentioned a European style entitlement society, and if Romney is referring to “Obamacare,” then technically Romney turned Massachusetts into a European style entitlement society.
35) The president does not take his inspiration from Europe and never has stated so. If Romney is referring to “Obamacare,” he got that inspiration from Romney and Conservatives.
36) He has never said this. I believe Obama is a monotheistic Christian.
38) The government is smaller and shrinking. In 2011, the government payroll dropped by the largest in history. “Burdensome” and “bloated” are opinions, but most would say he has streamlined many parts of the govt. If he is saying its bigger b/c of spending, that is correct but Obama is not to blame (most growing entitlements were enacted in the 40’s and 70’s and 2000’s).
39) The average Democrat has a higher IQ than the average Republican, so the Govt won’t likely be smarter. Obama vs Romney, head to head, would probably be close. The Govt will not likely be smaller if Romney is talking about expenditures, they will likely keep rising.
40) Obama did raise the national debt. Romney’s economic policies will not balance the budget, and will increase the deficit by $600M in 2015 according to the non partisan Tax Policy Center.
41) Regulations as job killers is a myth. Many businesses don’t want regulations, but the % of businesses complaining about regulations is unchanged in the last 20 years. Many regulations increase employment b/c of the cost of compliance. The energy company’s would have had to spend $20B to upgrade their power plants before that regulation was delayed. That $20B can now go to profits instead of new jobs. Most people blame the LACK of regulatory oversight for the housing and financial crash, which has cost the country millions and millions of jobs.
42) S&P lowered its rating mostly b/c of congress’s inability to act like adults. Read the report. Specifically, it was congressional republicans that wanted to go nuclear and force a default. As I said in #11, markets are not worried about US debt levels. Romney can do almost nothing to restore our AAA rating, unless the need for a US debt ceiling is abolished or inflation drives GDP up significantly.
43) No legislation called “Obamacare” was ever passed. The term is derogatory and misleading.
45) Obama’s “appeasement” is a lie to the highest order. Never happened. Those who believe it only do so b/c they were lied to by Romney’s and news sources quoting him.
46) Obama has never said or acted like America’s role of a leader is a thing of the past.
47) Obama has never said that he doesn’t see a need for military superiority, and though cuts may be enacted, they will not come close to making America anything but the most military superior country. Military spending has gone up under Obama.
48) The Israeli PM has said that Obama is Israel’s greatest friend (perhaps American Jews don’t think so, thus just a distortion). Romney says, “I’ll stand with our friends” after throwing Europe under the bus 4x in the speech previously.
49) Obama’s “apology” is a lie to the highest order. Never happened. Those who believe it only do so b/c they were lied to by Romney’s and news sources quoting him.
52) In many budget compromise discussions, the President has put entitlement cuts on the table.
61) In Romney’s tax plan, the majority of tax cuts go right to the upper classes. This would increase the inequality gap. It would also make the rich a forever elite class by eliminating estate taxes. The ability for Americans to go from the bottom up has never been worse, and his policies would continue that path. Thus, he does not support “American Opportunity.”

Apple's Snow "Jobs"

2011-10-30T22:12:00.008-04:00

“Write about what disturbs you, particularly if it bothers no one else” – Kathryn Stockett - The Help

Steve Jobs disturbs me. Specifically, it’s Apple, Steve Jobs, and the millions of strangers who didn’t know him but loved him.

Last week, my Facebook News Feed was covered with, “RIP Steve” and “Best CEO Ever” and “I’m actually crying right now” and articles of Steve Job’s success, and graphs of Apple’s stock price. Monotheism teaches of one G-d, but for Steve Jobs, most people made an exception. Jobs made it easier for you to listen to music, communicate with your friends, and be cool b/c you own a consumer product. Though a supposed minimalist Zen Buddhist, his company was the ultimate consumer product cult. Steve Jobs didn’t cure cancer, he didn’t fight poverty or inequality and though he touched many lives, he didn’t necessarily improve them or make America a “better” place. He took existing technology, repackaged it into consumer friendly formats, killed competition, and hoarded boatloads of money. Now that his biography has come out, many not so flattering facts are coming out. Discussing his missteps used to be taboo because he would blackball you and you’d never get an interview again. For example, no one would dare discuss his love child that he denied existed until positive paternity test.

Why Do You Love Him? You Don’t Even Know Him:
Why do all of my “friends” love someone they have never met? Because he has a sad story adoption/cancer? Because he is really good at marketing? Because he’s a hipster that used drugs and found a zen master to teach him Buddhism? Because they used Apple computers in elementary school and have Apple love deep in their brains? I don’t understand. Do these people actually know anything about this man besides the sweaters, speeches, and products? The answer is obviously, NO.

No one knows him, but everyone knows Apple:
Steve Jobs is notoriously secretive about his private life for such a well liked public figure. In reality, we don’t know anything about Steve Jobs the person. However, we do know an awful lot about his company, Apple. Through public filings, conference calls, and news articles, it becomes pretty obvious that Apple has the best PR team ever, and company is pure capitalistic EVIL. (actually, Apple is just like many other consumer products manufacturers, the point is, Apple isn’t G-d).

Antitrust:
Apple creates amazing products and keeps its power by bullying competitors, suppliers, customers and somehow doesn’t get called out for it. You can only sync your Ipod/Iphone to Itunes and you can’t play your Itunes purchased music on other MP3 players. They pretty much told artists, if you don’t sell on Itunes for almost nothing, your music will just get pirated anyway. They told app creators, we get 30% of your sales for doing nothing. They have told competitors, you are not allowed on our operating system. Flash is by far the best way to watch video online, but Apple won’t allow anyone to use this competing tech on its device and is trying to drive it out of use globally. In the 90’s, Microsoft added internet explorer to Windows as a default browser for free, but still allowed competitors to run their applications on Windows. Yet MSFT still lost multiple antitrust lawsuits and was told it couldn’t bundle its software with its interface. IMHO Apple's violations go way beyond anything MSFT did.

Profitability & Outsourcing:
Anyone who follows Apple from a distance knows that Apple is extremely profitable. Apple’s equity value makes it the largest in the world and its profits, put it in the top few. In its most recent quarter, it reported $28B in revenue and generated $5.4B in cash. The company’s ability to convert revenue into cash has helped it build a warchest of over $80B.

How does the company make so much money? Overcharging and outsourcing. The company’s brand and monopolistic policies have created/brainwashed customer loyalty which allows Apple to charge $600 for products similar to the $200 products competitors. How much of that money is going into American pockets? Not much. Most of the company’s employees work at its retail stores in relatively low paying lower middle class jobs. All the manufacturing is outsourced.

Chinese Sweat Shops / Child Labor:
Almost all of the manufacturing is done in China, at a massive company called Foxconn. Foxconn employs over 400,000 people on a massive campus that houses those employees as well.

Foxconn forces employees to live in one-room dormitories with other coworkers. These workers work 15 hour days for as little as $50 a month. Employees aren’t allowed to talk to each other while standing for their 12 hour shifts and workers must sign pledges that they are not allowed to commit suicide. WHAT? Yes, suicide rates in Apple factories in China are so high, employees are banned from it. They are publicly humiliated in front of peers for mistakes and work undocumented, unpaid overtime. What did Steve Jobs have to say about this? He says that suicide rates were lower than the rest of China. That makes it ok?

Google “Apple China Suicides” and “Apple Child Labor” for some fun reading. An American researching how his favorite products were created (who has turned his research into a 1 man show), infiltrated a factory and interviewed “dozens of these workers. He interviewed girls as young as 12 who worked crushing hours; he interviewed a man whose hand had been twisted into a claw from overuse; he interviewed a woman who had been blacklisted merely for requesting overtime pay.”

Apple is Not Even a Good Corporate Citizen:
I thought Apple was a good corporate citizen? How could they let this happen? Apple isn’t a good corporate citizen; Apple is a greedy public corporation that acts entirely to “enhance shareholder value.” Apple cares about $$$$$$$$$$.

While all of the manufacturing is done in China, final assembly is done in Ireland. IRELAND?? Why Ireland? Oh right, because Ireland has low low low corporate taxes. So products sold to Europe and America are actually “manufactured” in Ireland. During the last 12 months, Apple has generated an amazing $34.3B in cash (CFO-Capex). Yet the company paid only $3.3B in taxes. So, to all of you buying Apple products thinking the company is a good American company… your products aren’t made in the USA, and Apple is using offshore corporate entities to avoid paying taxes. I’d argue that companies should have to pay taxes regardless of if those profits are brought back to the US, but that discussion is for another post. In any event, Apple has stated “foreign earnings are intended to be indefinitely reinvested outside the U.S.”

Money, It’s Mine, All Mine!
Apple’s $80B in cash isn’t technically theirs, it’s the stockholders. Most companies, especially ones that have more cash than they could ever use, need to invest that money for a positive return or give it back to shareholders. Yet the company would rather keep and accumulate cash than dividend it to stockholders. It doesn’t repurchase stock, it doesn’t buy other companies and grow inorganically, and it doesn’t spend that money on other growth projects. That cash just sits, doing nothing, while our economy also does nothing. Perhaps this is good tax management, but it’s completely shareholder unfriendly. During the last 12 months, the company (worth $370B) gave employees $1.2B in stock based compensation and issued $800M in shares, returning no proceeds of the profits to actual shareholders. When there aren’t profitable investments, don’t accumulate! Perhaps some of your shareholders have better things to do w/that money!

Maybe Apple/Steve Jobs Give to Charity?
Actually, Apple is so stingy, they don’t even have an employee matching program for donations. Steve Jobs is no different and was not a member of the Giving Pledge (Billionaires who pledge to give away half of their wealth). Instead, he will likely pass down his wealth to his family. When Jobs returned to Apple in 1997, he closed the company’s philanthropic programs and even though the company has $80B, those programs have not been reinstated. There are rumors that he gave money to his hospital anonymously, and gave money to create a liver registry. But those donations seem a bit self interested. It would have been nice if he gave to a charitable cause that didn’t directly keep him alive. If you asked a liberal who the most destructive and evil company in the US, Walmart would be close to the top. However, Walmart has a massive charitable foundation, matches employee donations, making it one of the top corporate charities in the world.

In summary, Apple has violated competitive ethics and perhaps laws, creating monopoly power and enabling them to overcharge customers for the same products. Though the company has absurdly high margins, to maximize profits, Apple manufactures almost exclusively in China, at factories that have extremely high suicide rates and child labor. Obviously, Apple can afford to pay American workers or at least demand better working conditions, but they’d prefer to underpay foreign workers in poor conditions to make more money. Most of Apple’s $80B in cash is offshore and considered a foreign profit, thus Apple can avoid paying taxes. The company does not reinvest that money, give it to its employees, or dividend it to its shareholders all so it can avoid paying taxes, how patriotic. Lastly, the company is one of the least philanthropic companies in the world, not having a CHARITY or even an employee matching program. As far as I'm concerned, Apple's pulled snow "Jobs" on all of you.

Gay Marriage

2011-06-28T20:58:00.007-04:00

Last week, NY passed a bill that legalizes gay marriage. Since then, we've seen commentary on the topic from everywhere and everyone. It turns out that now a majority of Americans support it, however, most states have either outlawed it already or even have state constitutional amendments blocking it. Additionally, the Defense of Marriage Act (DOMA) exempts states from having to recognize and provide services to those who have had gay marriages in other states. This means that while NYers now have equal rights, they must live in NY to utilize those rights. Though the Defense of Marriage Act is still being fought in courts, and the current administration

Some 30 states have enacted constitutional gay marriage bans, most by voter referendum. As we learned from those referendums, they become rallying cries for conservative voter turn out, and thus have historically been used to defeat the liberal legislators who may have acted on the issue.

Also, Considering the current conservative make up of the Supreme Court, you are unlikely to get a ruling explicitly supporting and legalizing gay marriage.

However, Considering that the Supreme Court LOVES the 1st amendment, and continues to rule in favor of freedom, why doesn't the gay community use that to their advantage.

To be more specific and get to my point finally: Why doesn't the gay community create a religion that specifically allows for homosexual activity and gay marriage?

Liberals are using equality and fairness arguments when trying to Overturn the Defense of Marriage Act, all these state constitutional amendments and laws. Sometimes they win, sometimes they lose. I believe that putting the DOMA and all these state constitutional amendments up against the First Amendment of the United States will be a powerful weapon. Of course, the govt can regulate some religious aspects as long as they aren't aimed specifically at one religeon. For example, we are not allowed to kill our wives or kids, though strict religious interpretation permits it, and things like polygamy are specifically outlawed (though rarely prosecuted). However, gay marriage is not outlawed.

Thus my idea. Move to Nevada, start a church, start marrying gay people.

I have a feeling this has been tried and has failed, (3rd comment from bottom is interesting) but the LGBT should keep trying. Eventually, they may run into a Supreme Court that will give them the rights they desire (overturning weaker laws in favor of Law #1).

My belief, since I've saved it until now, is that once every state in our nation finally does allow for gay marriage, we'll stop talking about it. We hardly talk about mixed marriages anymore, and the fabric of the American family has not been ruined over the last 40 years by interracial marriage. I hope/believe that gay marriage will be viewed similarly in the future.

Camping Vs Homeless

2011-06-20T22:15:00.004-04:00

Last night, my DJ asked me if I wanted to go camping sometime. My response, obnoxious as usual, was that going camping is just like being homeless. Now why would I want to do that?

After thinking about it a bit more, I congratulated myself on a lovely analogy. Here is a list of things you do when you're homeless...that you also do when you're camping.

Sleep: Outside
Eat: Beer for dinner
Rain: You get wet
Bathroom: Wherever you want
Heat: Make a fire
Shower?: No
Bugs?: Yes
Dirt?: Yes
Possessions: Protect them while you sleep or they may be gone when you wake!

Feel free to add your own analogies!

Shorting Netflix

2011-03-09T13:36:00.006-05:00

As a customer, I love Netflix. I love its services, its branding, its ease, its quality, and its pricing.

As an investor, I've shorted the hell out of it. A year ago, I loved the bonds and thought the company was fairly priced. Now, I think the company is way over priced and I'm even worried about the bonds, which don't mature for more than 5 years. . .

Here's why I'm short:

Valuation:
The company is trading at 66x earnings, and was as high as 80x, up 300% in the last year. This is 3x higher than AAPL, which trades at 20x and is a stock investors supposedly love. While earnings are expected to double next year, bringing that number down to 33x, it's still way to high. Want to know why? Business Model Risk and Competitive Risk.

Business Model Risk:
While the company absolutely dominates the market right now, there is no reason that can't change. There is no reason that can't change QUICKLY. There is no reason why NFLX has to be the winner or even exist in 10 years. They don't own content, they don't own distribution, they don't really own anything...except contracts/customers/technology, none of which are exclusive and all of which can be easily and cheaply duplicated.

Competitive Risk:
From a finance 101 perspective, the company will face significant competition from 4 or 5 of Porter's 5 forces of competition:

Competition from Peers: Amazon/Apple/Google... much larger, stronger companies.

Competition from New Entrants: Duplication is easy, they have no exclusivity with their content (who thought Facebook would become a competitor before yesterday?)

Pressure from Suppliers: Netflix got some sweetheart deals when they first talked about streaming video years ago. Those deals are up soon, and Netflix will have to pay up.

Actual Content: Don't forget, they pretty much only sell "re-runs." No new shows, no new movies.

Competition from Distribution: Cable companies, with whom Netflix relies on for distribution (Internet connections), but also takes $ from, can/will start making netflix or their customers pay for the bandwidth. Why can't Comcast create its own VOD/TV monthly subscription service? There is no reason at all. . .

Customer Loyalty: Currently this is high, but no annual contracts, and so if a better/cheaper product comes around Netflix will lose all pricing power. Price hikes are over.

Without content exclusivity (like DirecTv and its NFL contract), Netflix has enjoyed low cost programming.

Netflix may have a few more great quarters, or even another 2 years...but I can't view a world where Netflix maintains its dominant market share.

Here's a good article supporting

Q&A with Fire Island Hater

2011-03-01T16:49:00.001-05:00

What's the etiquette for dating at work? Does it matter if they work in your dept or not? Does it matter if they are senior to you or of equal stature?

It's about time I "banged" out another set of "rules." Unfortunately, as I wrote them I realized they're more like guidelines than rules, as all can and most will be broken. May as well start from the top.

1) Don't date a coworker at a small company. Under 20 employees... get a new job first. I know a bunch of guys who quit their jobs in order to date someone at their old firm.

2) Don't date someone that works in your department or on your floor. The best work relationships that actually can last involve people that don't directly work with each other/on top of each other. This rule keeps breakups much cleaner, less awkward.

3) The age of the two employees does not matter, but the SENIORITY does. Do not hook up with one of your subordinates. Likewise, I always tell people that if possible, they SHOULD sleep with their boss. Why? Because you become your boss. You'll move up faster, get paid more, and work less. Your boss has a new project for you? "No thanks." You won't get stiffed on a bonus or passed up on a promotion when he/she has sexually harassed you. In essence, you become the boss.

4) Summer interns: It needs to be near the end of the summer, and you need to make sure they are going to get the offer (even if you're not involved in the hiring process). Obviously, this isn't a long term thing.

5) If he's cheating on his wife, it's not going to work out. Even if he breaks up with her and marries you. He'll move on again.

6) Actually like the person. Don't do it just for fun... there are other, less complicated, options for that.

7) If you ignore rule 6, (and you will) set ground rules. If you hooked up out of passion, you need to have the talk. It can still happen again, it can happen all the time, but you need to tell them rule 8 (especially if they aren't attractive or highly regarded in the office).

8) Lastly, and most importantly, keep it a secret until it's serious...perhaps even until you're engaged!

9) If you do decide to follow rule 8, DON'T SCREW UP RULE 8. Keep your secret a secret. In other words, don't get drunk and make out at the xmas party and have the entire company think you are both sloppy when you've really been dating for 2 years.

What advice is someone like me (29 year old) supposed to give a friend who is contemplating whether or not they should get a divorce? (no kids, married 2 years).

If kids are involved, I say stay together forever. You don't deserve a life of happiness if that means you are going to screw up your kids. If you are single, you can still get out.

Advice isn't really your job. You're supposed to help them find the right answer. Perhaps, if you're close enough to them, the best thing to do is ask them these questions.

Do you still love him/her?
Do you still envision/dream/see yourself in 20-30 years living with this person and growing old with this person?
Do you legitimately want to make it work and are you willing to try harder than you've ever tried to make it work?

If your friend answers yes to these 3 questions, then he/she should obviously not get a divorce. If the love is gone, but the last 2 answers are still yes, then it is not going to be easy, but a divorce can be avoided. Unfortunately, this will take brutal internal honesty on your friends part. If his eyes and heart are straying, it won't be easy to bring them back. Of course, if the answer to the last 2 questions is "no," then a divorce may be unavoidable and the questions will steer your friend in that direction.

While your friend is asking for divorce advice and looking to be convinced one way or the other. Your job is to make sure that friend is making the ultimate decision.

I Hate Sports

2010-11-03T22:57:00.004-04:00

I’m getting depressed. Week 9 of the NFL season is 4 days from now and it marks the middle of NFL season. The beginning of the end. I love football season more than almost every other sport. Tonight, I found myself watching Family Ties at 8pm (quite enjoyable) instead of watching a Devils game, or 2 college football games (one with Rutgers), or an NBA game with Shaq (who I love). Why is that? It turns out I hate those sports! After a few minutes of brainstorming, I decided that these are the sports I actually like: NFL Football, NHL playoffs (live), the big 4 golf tournaments and team golf tournaments (with Tiger only), March Madness, the big 3 horse races and anything volleyball. Everything else sucks right now. In fact, I think I hate every other sport…and here’s why:

Baseball:
I hate that I’m bored after the first pitch because the game goes so slowly. I hate that the biggest jerks in HS and college were on the baseball team and we all know they’re still jerks today but for some reason everyone idolizes them. I hate almost all baseball TV announcers and I don’t care if a player’s dad is in the stands or whatever stupid trivia Afleck makes us answer. I’d rather listen to nothing. Baseball is the ultimate picture in picture game that you can just watch in a little box on the corner of your TV while you surf the web. I hate when they say that a very close play “was a bang bang play.” If it was a bang bang play, then it would be obvious which bang happened first. It should be called a “bang” play, as in there was only one sound because both actions happened at the same time. I hate when fans leave when down 2 runs in the 8th or 9th inning. That’s when I would show up. The most exciting time to be at a baseball game is when down at the end of the game. If you’re down 5, or up a few and don’t want to watch your closer blow it, I understand, but down 2 at the end is the best. I hate when your team needs base runners and a player jumps out of the way on an inside pitch. TAKE THE BASE! If I were a journalist, I would call that player out in my first post game question. I hate that hitting goes way down in the post season and random average players become starts b/c they timed their steroid cycle perfectly (Molina brothers have it down to a science). I hate that everyone hates the best player in the game and loves the worst short stop in the game. I hate that everyone loves talking about how this team or that team overspent on a player when there is no salary cap so it doesn’t impact the team at all how much they spent. How much a player is paid matters in the NHL, NBA, NFL because of cap rules which means money spent on one player can’t be used on others. Teams in baseball don’t raise tkt prices because they overpaid for a player, it doesn’t impact you as a fan at all.

Changes:
Add a pitch clock. Make it 15 seconds and no stepping out of the batter’s box unless you’ve fouled off a ball or have something in your eye. Games are too long, and regular season extra innings should start with a player on 2nd base and a 2-1 count for every hitter. Make charging the mound a 15 game suspension but hitting a batter, as long as it’s not in the head, unsuspendable. This will allow pitchers to pitch inside and/or hit batters on purpose instead of intentionally walking them. Make all pitchers bat for the revenge factor. Eliminate the umpire behind the plate making balls and strike calls, computers can do that relatively quickly. Replace that umpire with one in a replay booth and give him the ability to call downstairs and tell the umpire what they got wrong before the next batters hits. Replays in baseball, unlike football, need only take 15-30 seconds as usually the answer is obvious. I want radio play by play during the games so I don’t actually have to turn my head from my computer unless something happens and I want a former coach or player explaining strategy.

Basketball:
I hate that a foul can be called on every player every possession and that a refs decision to call a foul seems arbitrary. I hate that the league doesn’t admit it has a credibility issue with the refs even after one was arrested and jailed for betting on his games. I hate everything about David Stern and his smugness except his hilarious insistence that there must be pigs and a blanket at every party. I hate that referees decide the close games. I hate that offensive fouls aren’t called enough, especially push offs and blocking with one arm. I hate that players who jump straight up to contest a shot are called for a foul every time the offensive player makes contact with them. I hate that during 3pt shooting contests, players can hit 20 of 25 shots, but no player averages over 50% from 3pt range during the year even though most 3's in the league are uncontested. I hate that players who are 7 ft tall get blocked when they try to lay the ball in instead of jumping and dunking (it's not that hard guys, I've done it). I hate that when my team wins, I’m not satisfied because I know we got some “lucky” calls and when my team loses I’m livid and feel like I was wronged. I hate that for 90% of the good games, you can miss the first 43 minutes of the 48 minute game and not really miss anything. I hate that the Knicks are terrible and owned by the Dolans who only care about $. I have not paid for a Knicks or Rangers game in over 10 years because of them.

Changes:
Change the 6 foul per player ejection to 4 fouls per player. This will keep players from playing so physical and let the beauty of the game come out. No one liked the Pistons of the 80’s or the Knicks of the 90’s b/c their physicality ruined the games. Fouls in the lane are 1 pt and the ball or 2 shots, fouls outside the lane are 1 foul shot and the ball. Allow teams to protest bad calls at the end of games by walking off the court. I wish Dallas had done this when they played Miami. I still think they won the series 4-2 and that the refs took 2 of those losses away. If I were a Dallas fan, I would have walked across the court and never gone to a game again. Allow outside representatives to audit the finances of each ref. Allow replay at the end of games, including foul calls. I like the NFL rule about ownership (you can’t own a competing sports team in the same city you own an NFL team) but I’d expand it to include “you can’t own a team if you have public shareholders.”

World Cup Soccer:
I kinda love the spectacle of the world cup, but hate the sport. I usually spend those 4 weeks ever 4 years complaining about how bad soccer is as a sport. I hate that there isn’t enough scoring. I hate that more than half of shots miss the net. I hate that because scoring is so sparse, the team that dominates doesn’t necessarily win because of a bad call, a missed call, or one lucky shot. I hate that seemingly more than half the goals are engulfed in controversy. I hate that players dive. I hate that players get injured and walk back on the field 2 minutes later, totally fine. I hate that you can only substitute 3x a game when you have 8 players on your bench. I hate that there’s no official clock. I hate that there’s no replay when half of the goals scored are controversial. I hate penalty shots which are more of a coin flip or arbitrary kicking skill than an actual soccer skill, are used to decide games. I hate that, similar to basketball, I feel either slightly relieved but not satisfied after a win, and totally enraged after a loss. I hate that a strategy is killing time. In the 2010 world cup, Landon Donavon scored with 2 minutes remaining in stoppage time but ran around and was tackled by his teammates for 1.5 minutes. The refs didn’t add that time back and I felt icky about winning like that and just want to punch all players who do it. In summary, I hate almost every rule, and every “style” of play.

Changes:
Enlarge the goals to increase scoring. Make the offside rule similar to hockey so once you pass a certain point with the ball, players can go anywhere. Obviously add replay. I would make cards in the game retroactively reviewable by replay. Thus, if someone received a red or yellow card because of a dive, that player who dove would be suspended 2 games. Any stoppage due to injury is a 5 minute penalty for the injured player. Either he gets up, or he’s done for 5, or they sub him out for the rest of the game. That’ll keep players from “faking” it. Any yellow card is a 10 minute penalty or a forced substitution, coaches decision. Since the conversion rate on penalty kick goals is 80%, any save is guesswork, arbitrary, and usually a miss of the goal entirely. An equally impressive test of a team’s soccer skill would be kicking the ball from the goal line, and getting it to stop closest to the center circle. With bigger goals, you could move the penalty kick back from 18ft to 25-30 feet and make it more of a skill than a coin flip. That would force the player to kick a perfect shot, while forcing the goalie to make a save, instead of just guessing and hoping. A better solution would be eliminating the shootout all together. Why not just remove a player from each side every 10 minutes of overtime, allowing 2 subs. Less players means more open field and more opportunity. If the game got down to 6 vs 6 after 50 minutes of overtime, I guarantee someone would score. Lastly, we need a clock. Most games around about 80 minutes of playing time with some stoppage added at the end to make it 85 (technically there are 2 45 minute halves). Why not add a clock and why not stop that clock when injuries happen, penalties are called, when goals are scored, or even when the ball goes out of bounds. The arbitrary nature of stoppage time drives me crazy, and I hate when my team uses stall tactics.

Women’s Basketball:
I hate all women’s basketball at any level (accept before HS) because the players are terrible and the games are boring (not that I’ve watched more than 15 minutes of it since HS).

Changes:
Lower the basket to 8.5 ft from 10 ft. This will allow the crazy dunks you used to do in your backyard with one of those movable rims. Have the women play men’s teams only or allow under 20 year old men’s teams with 6 ft restrictions to enter the WNBA. I think my HS men’s basketball team could beat most college women’s teams. I think most small college basketball teams could beat any girls team I the world. I’d love to see it. I’d pay for that. There is a reason that guys who played HS ball are on the practice squad of elite college women’s basketball programs. It’s so that the starters can practice vs players who are better than them, or at least, better than their non starters.

NHL Hockey:
I hate watching hockey when it’s not the playoffs. The season is long, the game is physical, and you can tell that the players are dogging it sometimes. I hate watching hockey on TV. So much of the “grace” and “beauty” of hockey comes from what goes on away from the puck, yet on TV, the camera just follows the puck. I hate that when after 4 passes and an amazing goal is scored, you view 4 different angles of the puck going back and forth. I hate that sometimes there is no good camera angle to watch because the players are faster than the puck. I hate that so many players are foreigners. I know, I’m a jerk, but I need to connect to my teams and I don’t identify with Ulf from Sweden, or Alexi from the Ukraine and I hate all the Pauls and Waynes and Marks from Canadia.

While we’re on the subject, I hate Canadia. You read that correctly, CANADIA. If it were Canada, people would be Canadan. Canadians are from Canadia. That’s how English works. People from Alaska are Alaskan, not Alaskian. People from Jamaica are Jamaican, not Jamacian. People from Romania are Romanian…Austria – Austrian… California – Californian. You can’t just add an extra “I” whenever you feel like it, you only do that when there already IS an “I.” You’re either Canadan from Canada or Canadian from Canadia. Pick.

Changes:
Make the games shorter. Make all games 4 on 4. Have you been lucky enough to watch overtime of games or when there are 2 penalties at the same time and they go to 4 on 4? It’s a much more open game with more scoring, better passing and less defense. Why not do this all the time? When there is 1:05 left on the clock in each period the scoreboard should read “Hey time keeper, how much time is left?” and then the time keeper will due his normal “Last minute of play in the period.” It would be amazing if I could one day get entire stadiums to do that with me, though it’s still funny when I stand up and yell it by myself. Cameras need to be mounted like the ones above the field at NFL games and follow the entire play from end to end…with viewing angles from north to south, not east to west.

College Football / Basketball:
I hate the recruiting advantages at big schools. I hate that most of them play cupcake schedules so they become bowl eligible or so they can get to 20 wins. I hate that most of their players don’t graduate. I hate that the head coaches at public schools (like Rutgers FB) are the highest paid state employees. I hate the argument that the school’s athletic program makes money to support the other sports. Since when did departments make money? Does the history department make money? Why does the athletic department need to make money to support itself? I hate the NCAA and its twisted though processes on recruiting, paying, and penalties. I hate college FB and basketball coaches. They are swine with no loyalty to their schools or their players. I hate the college FB and BB players are lured by false dreams. To Elaborate, there are almost 200 football programs in college with 14,000 students. If 3,500 of them are seniors, and there are only 224 draft spots, you can tell how few will make the pros. College FB and BB coaches recruit by using dreams of the pros and help their existing players avoid actually learning while they have the opportunity to get a free education. They don’t tell their players that even at the top programs in the country only 20% of the players go pro. They don’t tell their players that even if they do go pro, the average career is only 3 years and at the league minimum, they won’t make enough to live off of the next 50 years unless they get a real education. I hate that there is no College FB playoffs. I hate that people think bowl games that aren’t for the national championship matter?

Changes:
If a player doesn’t graduate, you lose a scholarship. This will force schools to pick athletes who are also in it for the education, and not just to win or play for 2 years and leave for the pros. That will benefit the schools in the long run, and benefit the purpose of college athletics. Eliminate college FB and BB from all public institutions or eliminate all high paid coaches from those programs. Yes, they make money, even schools with profitable FB programs are making cuts to other sports. Rutgers recently eliminated 7 varsity sports while giving their FN coach a $1M raise. I would suggest they fire him and use the $2M saved to add those sports (which had a $1.5M budget) back. They should multiply the BCS score by the graduation rate at each school. That’ll even the playing field and put emphasis on graduation. That’ll also make the coaches responsible for the 80% of kids they are coaching that aren’t going pro. I would pay the players. I wouldn’t pay them much, but a few hundred dollars a week. Some students recently were deemed ineligible for selling game memorabilia for a few hundred dollars. While the colleges exploit these kids for millions of dollars, they aren’t allowed to make a few hundred on the side. They need a union. They need to go on strike.

Golf:
I hate that you can't make noise for 30 seconds before or during a shot. The ball isn't moving and the club face is flat and 3x the size of the ball... the opposite of baseball which has noise. I hate that you can't follow whatever player you want on TV. I hate that professionals can't use carts. I hate "team captains" for team events. I hate that players aren't "miked up" and that no announcers explain strategy. I hate that they can't play in wind or rain. I hate that they can't wear shorts or tank tops. I hate that players get relief from obstacles. I hate that if your playing partner (technically your opponent) fills out your score card incorrectly, and you sign it, you are disqualified.

Changes
Free the game... Allow players and fans to do whatever they want. Get rid of all the stupid stupid rules. Make it more interesting.

Galapcuador

2010-08-24T21:42:00.012-04:00

Last MONTH (sorry so late) My DJ and I headed to South America for 3 days in Quito, Ecuador, 3 days in the Galapagos Islands, and to watch the toilet bowls drain the wrong direction. Below are the details of my trip, some interesting facts, some interesting analysis, a few videos, and of course, HERE ARE THE PICTURES (though I link to individual pics throughout).

Friday, July 16, 11:55pm: JFK --> GYE --> UIO
We took a packed flight (except first class) on LAN Airlines and we were the only Gringo’s on board. Additionally, all the passengers had ~9 bags each, and duct taped each one with name and address. Our bags were the only ones w/o duct tape. To say the plane was disgusting was an understatement as one month old magazine looked like it had been chewed on by a Rottweiler. We read our itinerary 4 times before we realized that our 9 hour flight with a 3 hour time change was, in fact, a 7 hour flight with a 1 hour time change. We took our drugs and passed out…

Ambien Hangovers:
I don’t know why, but I love talking about Ambien. Ambien hangovers are truely surreal, though you only realize this well after the fact. When you wake up after you’ve gone unconscious for at least 4 hours, your cognitive processes are working just fine, but you have no short term memory. You have no problem getting your bags, getting in a cab, getting home, but a few hours later you’ll have no recollection of what your cabbie looked like or even which doorman was working. This is what I “remember” from my Ambien hangover (which I find usually impairs short term memory for a few hours but doesn’t alter motor skills or awareness).

*I vaguely remember Billy Elliot on the Airplane TV after I’d woken in the morning.
*I vaguely remember putting it on myself.
*I vaguely remember standing in a line with 200 people while 2 AND ONLY 2 customs agents took an average of 6 minutes to check each person.
*I vaguely remember it taking us 45 min to get through the line and we were 15th.
*I vaguely remember it only taking us 2 minutes for us to get through customs, b/c who would suspect a nice white couple on vacation of any wrongdoing (more on this later)
*I don’t remember our flight to Quito at all.

Saturday July 17th: Quito
We arrived at our hotel at 9:30am, and took a quick taxi to the Capilla De Hombre. It was $8 to enter but they didn’t have change for a $20. This would prove our biggest obstacle on the whole trip (or one of them). When we got a hot chocolate later in the day, I had to buy 2 chocolate bars just so they could make change of a $10. Yes, the country’s currency is the $, and yes, small bills are appreciated. The Capilla De Hombre (man’s chapel) is dedicated to a famous Ecuadorian artist, Guayasamin, who had a dark side, was friends with the world’s communist leaders and endorsed Club beer. (Pics Here and Here) We took another cab to Mariscal Sucre for lunch & sunglasses before taking a cab back to the hotel. Everything was pretty cheap, especially the cabs which were all under $5 and one was $1.91.

We passed out for 3 hours before heading to La Ronda for evening activities. La Ronda was full of tourists, and bars, and bars with bar food. We tried canelazo, which was hot apple cider with sugarcane, cinnamon and alcohol. The alcohol was added to each glass before it was poured from the giant cauldrons it was made in, so that it wouldn’t evaporate as it was cooked. It tasted like a molten Jolly Rancher. There weren’t many restaurants were to be had, but after walking up and down the street 2x, and looking at 15 menus, we settled on a pretty empty place around 8pm. After dinner, we found out, that on a Saturday night, dinner is after 10pm. We were entertained by some local singers and took the best picture ever (that I set up). We had a few communication issues, including how to tell the waiter you want medium well. He asked if we wanted “red” and we said “more than red.” I’m not sure if he thought we wanted more red, or more cooking… or if he understood, but just in case, he undercooked so he wouldn’t ruin it.

Info on our “tour”:
We booked with latinamericaforless.com due to a “tip” from travelzoo. After we’d booked, I did some googling and find out this was just a travel agency, not a tour site, and that it wasn’t really the highest regarded (unlike latinamerica4less.com which is highly reputable). After doing some reading and asking some questions we found out that LAFL booked us through an Ecuadorian travel agency called RTA. They turned around and booked us with local guides in Quito and with other companies/boats/hotels in the Galapagos. Honestly, this could have been an absolute disaster. However, I would say that it went extremely smoothly. Flights were relatively on time (esp when necessary), and guides/drivers/English speakers were there waiting for us when we arrived and woke up every day. If they hadn’t, we had no number to call, and would have had to book things on the fly. Of course, if we’d spent the 20 hours to book ourselves, the whole trip may have been half price.

Sunday July 18th: UIO --> GYE --> GPS
We were picked up early (like 6am) and had tons of time to kill at the airport. What we thought would be a 90 minute flight, turned into a 45 minute flight to Guayaquila and a 45 minute layover in Guayaquil, before that 90 minute flight. Who knew that every flight in the whole country goes through GYE. Gandhi met us at the “airport” and was our tour guide for the day. I put airport in quotes, because it was more like a barn and a runway. Once you got off the plane, they’d call out your flights name and you’d walk to the side of the barn where someone had put everyone’s luggage against the wall. Of course, there were like 200 people waiting for them to call flights (TAME air). We took a 3 minute bus ride to the side of the island where our while flight squeezed on the slowest moving boat I’ve ever been on. Considering the amount of people in the boat, and the luggage stacked on the roof, this was by far the most dangerous part of our trip. 20 minutes and 200 feet later, we arrived on Santa Cruz Island and got in a car for a 40 minute drive to town. We’d end up taking this ride 2x a day to and from the dock. Besides town, this was probably the only road on the whole island. Town was bustling, except on a Sunday, when we needed to grab lunch quickly, rent wetsuits, and get to our boat in 50 minutes.

We got on what was likely the oldest glass bottom boat ever and headed to a local snorkeling hot spot, which turned out to be way to rough for snorkeling. It rained a bit, we watched a bunch of sea lions playing in the surf, and took off to another snorkeling destination. Of course, due to the rain and choppiness, the visibility was pretty terrible. We got in the cold water anyway. We took a few hikes and saw lotsa see lions, crabs and iguanas. We took a 30 minute hike into the mountains (past the Italian Consulate), and up to a fresh water hole that Gandhi used to go to as a kid. Of course, considering we’d taken a ghetto boat, and had a pretty ghetto tour guide, we had not time to swim up there. We got back around 6 and were happily told that we’d be snorkeling again the next morning. We were unhappily told that we’d be leaving at 6am for our tour the following day. We ate at The Rock, which is apparently the TGI Friday’s of the Galapagos. We passed out at 9:30pm.

Levels of Hotels:
I’ve been to quite a few hotels in my day that I’ve decided to update the 5 star (*) rating system that is used. It seems pretty obvious to me that there are certain features some hotels have that hotels below them don’t, and that all hotels above them do have. Below is a list of those features, or pretty much how I would order hotels.

* Personal Bathrooms – All hotels that have communal bathrooms are automatically 0 stars while all w/o are 1 or higher.

** Shower Curtains – What is with hotels having baths w/o curtains? Not only do you have to hold the un-mounted shower head, you have to make sure it doesn’t spray all over the room? How hard is it to put up a rod and mount that damn shower head?

*** Sewing Kits – Trust me, you’ll never see free sewing kits in a hotel w/o shower curtains. If I’m staying at a hotel, I know to expect some semblance of service and cleanliness as long as they’re giving me a free sewing kit.

**** Free Wi-Fi – Not only do these places always have the 3 previous items, they realize they’re not glam enough to make you pay for Wi-Fi. Downside to the next two levels – They make you pay for Wi-Fi, and everything else.

***** Bathrobes – I don’t need golf courses, spas, gyms or tennis courts. I know a good hotel, when the room has nice, soft, bathrobes.

****** Electronic, Metal, Blackout Window Shades - Ever go to bed as it was getting light out, wake up at noon and tell your friends to get up, only for them to respond that I’m nuts and obviously it’s still nighttime? This only happens in one place, 6 star hotels.

Monday, July 19th: Galapagos
We woke at 5:45am for a 6am bus to a 7am boat for a 3 hour boat ride. Realizing our room had no phone, we weren’t that surprised when our wake-up call was a knock on the door. At least our boat was big and had breakfast. Abbie had an Ethiopian breakfast full of bread and water, while I had ham and eggs. I remembered my pressure point wrist thingies to help me from getting sea sick and My DJ and I spent the 3 hours on the front of the boat (cloudy), watching the islands go by, and the sea turtles, and the sea lions, and the dolphins, and the jumping sting rays.

3 hours later, we arrived at Bartolome Island, a recently “grown” island that was 700,000 years old. We climbed to the top…took some pics, and spent 3 minutes with our “doc master.” Eddie (short for Umberto?), our tour guide, was a quite a contrast to Gandhi. He was older, more professional, and def didn’t get high as often as Gandhi

Onto snorkeling! For My DJ, it was her first time in ~15 years! She was amazing and brave considering how uncomfortable and foreign it really is when you’re face down in the water breathing through a tube with bad asthma. The water was surprisingly cold for the Ecuador, so we used wetsuits that were too lose on her to keep her warm and too tight on me to allow me to breathe. There was great clarity but not much sun. I was so excited about how well she did that when we were finished, I pulled off my mask and pretty much spit in her face. We also saw a penguin and played with a few sea lions that were just hanging out on the beach.
The 3 hour ride back was much choppier than the way there, and we sat at the top of the boat, where the captain was, to avoid seasickness. Back in Puerto Ayora we had a traditional dinner for $5 each on a little local street they close down and put tables out on. We walked to El Chocolate for some bad service and good hot chocolate.

Random Galapagos Facts:
*They only paint the fronts of many buildings and houses. So it looks like nothing is finished, and kinda dirty.
*Cheese is served with almost every meal. 3x4 inch slabs of goat-ish cheese.
*The “wet season” is actually the high tourist season b/c the air and water are warmer. We were not there during the wet season.
*At one of our hotels, they asked us not to flush TP… I’d rather not use it than not flush it.
*The Island of Santa Cruz, which takes about 40 minutes to get across, has 3 distinct temperate zones. A dessert, a foggy wet zone, and a normal temperate zone.
*The islands are much bigger than I expected, possibly the size of NJ all put together. It would take months to see it all. Darwin apparently only spent 5 weeks here (but years analyzing data and creating ideas after he’d left)
*The land is like earth probably was 2m years after forming, much of the ground is lava rock and many plants can’t grow. Additionally, there aren’t many beaches, most our getting on and off of boats took place on rock cliffs. I had pictured a rain forest.
*I asked Gandhi what time Sunrise and Sunset were. He replied that it’s always at/around 6, always. It's the Equator, DUH.
*They use American Dollars everywhere. Since their banks don’t print new money, the currency stays in circulation much longer than it should. Dollars are in terrible condition, falling apart.
*Water from the Galapagos isn’t clean enough to drink, but they have Galapagos branded bottled water, which is purified.
*The airport in the Galapagos is only 2 bus rides and 1 boat ride from the main city.
*Before landing in the Galapagos, without warning, 2 men come through the plane spraying a “non toxic” concoction to protect the islands from unwanted intruders.

Tuesday, July 20th: Galapagos
Day 2 with Eddie was a similar length tour but a 2 hour shorter boat ride. Thus, we only had to leave at 8am. After bumping into a group of orthodox teens at the port, we headed to North Seymour Island (bird island) to see some Boobies and other birds. We bird watched for a little over an hour, with a baby sea lion (no you can't have one) and iguana’s mixed in. We saw a Blue Footed Booby with its 2 day old baby underneath it, and one with a 3x larger 16 day old baby below it.

After lunch (My DJ ate Ethiopian lunch of rice and water), it was more snorkeling on Santa Cruz Island. DJ didn’t really want to go again, but after considering the argument that we have no idea when we’ll go snorkeling again, she relented. Of course, I had to promise that I’d warm her up faster than the previous day this time. The clarity wasn’t as good as the previous day, but since the sun was out, it was a much “warmer” experience. Most importantly, we saw a 3 ft long SHARK. DJ surprisingly didn’t grab my arm to tight, but instead let me ditch her to swim after it to get a good picture. As we warmed on the beach, we watched pelicans take off and dive head first from 50 ft in the air into the water, over and over again. While the shark was exciting, the most amazing part of the day was that on bird island and at the beach, we didn’t get pooped on.

After the boat tour, the bus gave us a ride to the entrance to the Charles Darwin center, which was located on the outskirts of town. The walk from the entrance from the center was likely 2x longer than the walk to the entrance from our hotel (or anywhere in town). We had one goal, see giant turtles! We excitedly asked the first tourists we saw, “Where are the turtles?” and received the response “There are no turtles here!” WHAT!?!?! “Only Tortoises” WHEW! When we finally made it to the exhibits at the far end of the center, we saw tortoises, and baby tortoises, and very old tortoises, and took videos of 4-6 year old tortoises. We saw Lonely George, the last of his species of Giant Tortoise, and the 2 lady friends he’d been put in a cell with to mate. He’d been in captivity since 1971, and they’ve been trying to breed him ever since, with no luck. All of them reminded me of old people, with wrinkly old people skin. The young ones move slowly but steadily, while the old ones hardly moved at all. It’s not shock that there were only 15 left when they were first protected and a shock they survived evolution in the first place.

We left the center and shopped along the way home, somewhat successfully for me, and somewhat unsuccessfully for My DJ. We had dinner at an Italian place where I had them combine the pene quarto formagi with the grilled chicken. The waitress was a bit shocked, but for under $10 each, it was a no brainer for me. For dessert I found a place with a nutella crepe, while DJ had some homemade lemon & berry sorbet. If I were to guess as to why she was very sick for the next 3 days and slightly sick for the next 2 weeks, this would be my guess.

Here's a video of a few of the animals we saw (Iguana, Tortoise & Baby Sea Lion)!

Galapagos By Number:
3 – times we went snorkeling
2 – times we saw fish while snorkeling
2 – Sharks Abbie thinks she saw
1 – Sharkes Ben thinks he saw (same one twice)
2 – Hours Abbie was cold after snorkeling in wet suit
Uncountable – Boobies we saw
20 – Daily inappropriate/immature jokes Abbie made about boobies
10 – Daily inappropriate/immature jokes Ben made about boobies
30 – Minutes spent watching baby tortoises
300 – Minutes Abbie could have spent watching baby tortoises
2 – People who wore SPF 55 sun block
2 –People who were sunburned
100 – Cost per person in dollars to get into the Galapagos Islands
6 – Cost per person in dollars to get into the Galapagos Islands...if you are from Ecuador
0.1 – The scale, in miles, of the map of Puerto Ayora, which meant it took about 7 minutes to walk across the whole thing.
97 – Percent of land in the Galapagos that is national park, which leaves some land for a town or 2.
15- Giant Tortoises in 1971 left in the world when they started to protect them
1,000 – Giant Tortoises now in existence

Wednesday, July 21: GPS --> GYE --> UIO
DJ skipped breakfast b/c she wasn’t feeling well and we took a 9:00 AM bus to an 11:30 plane. Normally, considering an hour-ish commute you’d think that was perfect timing. However, we had about a 45 minute wait until we were allowed into the gate area (really they only had 1 gate). Abbie was a disaster, tired, achy, and stomachy. A perfect travel day!
We arrived back in Quito around 3pm, and got to our hotel around 4. Our hotel’s “inconvenience store” was closed, and DJ hadn’t eaten all day, so embarked on a quest, a quest to the supermarket. The hotel said it was a 10 minute walk down 1 street with no turns, but suggested I take a cab instead. HA! One of the most fun things, and most interesting things to do in a foreign country (besides getting lost wondering through town) is going to a supermarket. I purchased some bread and olive oil and vinegar and chips and ginger ale, but couldn’t find pretzels. We later discovered that they don’t sell pretzels anywhere in Ecuador. (Apparently that was the deal breaker for DJ ever considering living there). I had a 10 minute “conversation” in broken Spanish with someone working in the bakery area about if a piece of bread was made “con leche” or not. DJ had me all worried about walking to the Supermaxi, that she’d given me strict orders to be back by 6:15. This had made me worried enough that I took the memory card out of my camera, so that when I was inevitably mugged, I’d at least have the pictures. On the way home from the store I stopped at an ATM, which gave me 20’s, 10’s, 5’s, and 1’s! I really wish the guide books would have told us how important it was to have change, I would have stocked up on singles.

Back at the room I forced DJ to eat something and a few hours later ordered room service (ribs and fries). I love pork and there was lots of it in this country. My DJ passed out while I watched a horrible Dane Cook / Jessica Alba film about clumsy people which I have no idea how it ever got made.

Considering that this was a travel day, and considering that My DJ told me she’d chop off my hand if I took a picture of her, we took only 1 picture today. Here it is.

Thursday, July 22: Quito
DJ skipped breakfast and we jumped into a car with Vicky and her friend / driver. Our private tour started at the scenic overlook right behind our Hotel. Lucky it was so close, because this is when I realized that my camera’s memory card was back in the hotel room! We drove north for 45 minutes to the US GPS equator center, where we were given a tour by one of the employees. We took pictures on each side of the Equator, we watched water drain in different directions, we felt some weight and resistance differences and we attempted to balance an egg on a nail head. We also learned about the art of head shrinking, and about the ancient inhabitants of this land, who somehow knew that there was something special here.

From there we went to the Equator Center, which was where French scientists in the late 1,700’s had studied the equator. Of course, the French were wrong by a few hundred feet, but it’s not a bad attempt considering they were 300 meters away and 200 years earlier. This was now a somewhat empty huge space that had concerts and festivals as well as some science centers. There was a planetarium we didn’t see, but I enjoyed a ghetto ice cream pop. We learned a bit about the whole Quito valley and a little Ecuadorian history before taking pictures of a guinea pig cooking on a skewer over a barbeque.

Here's a video of water spinning different directions on each side of the Equator (and no spin on the equator):

Back to Quito for our afternoon tour of Old-Town, but the first stop was a massive statue on the top of a hill of The Virgin Mary with wings. It was a gift from Spain. We headed into old town with Vicky, and after I had my ham, salami and cheese with an orange Fanta, we checked out the archbishop’s palace. We learned that the Patron Saint of Quito, may have been crazy, and the church was paid off to take her off of her rich family’s hands. We stopped at a few other churches which were all within 5 blocks of each other. There was so much gold, but distinct differences between them due to when they were created, and what denomination. Interestingly, we saw a gold sword encrusted with diamonds that Chavez gave to Ecuador in 2002. I’m pretty sure that type of gift, which will sit in a case that 20 visitors will see a year, doesn’t really mesh with Chavez’s socialist mantra.

All the while, during this tour, Vicky kept taking my camera and taking pictures. When we stopped at the Presidential Palace, and Vicky asked to take a picture, I said “no” but she proceeded to anyway. At the San Franscisco Church, I was “accosted” by 3 little 6 year olds who just wanted my Orange Fanta. I wonder if they split it, one backwashed sip each. Underneath the San Francisco church was a fair trade shop, which paid fair wages to the artists and workers who were Ecuadorian rain forest inhabitants. The shop twisted and turned through the old underground church corridors yet Vicky kept taking pictures. (I’m not posting narrow hallway pictures).

We headed back to the hotel and then to Café Mosiaco, for dinner, hot chocolate, and views of the city. After her 2nd day of fasting, she finally ate some french fries. When back at the hotel she finished off the bread and olive oil, before happily settling into CSI and Law & Order, SVU.

Random Ecuador Facts:
*Some people in Ecuador think it’s ok to live & and farm inside an active volcano (“active” according to our tour guide)
*The basilica in Quito was started in 1896, and still isn’t done being built.
*The highest peak in the world is in Ecuador, when measured not from sea level, but from the center of the earth.
*The airport in Quito is absurdly convenient, located in the center of the city, literally like Central Park. A new one is being built an hour away.
*You can’t use your cell phone on an airplane, while it is at the gate, when a gas truck is refilling the plane (in Guayaquil).
*When I got my bags at every airport, the bag had been locked with plastic zip ties. Of course, since you are not allowed to have scissors in your carryon, it becomes virtually impossible to get your bags open.
*Don’t eat / drink: Veggies (uncooked), strawberries, homemade sorbet, water, homemade juices/shakes, other fruits w/o peels and guinea pigs. (DJ actually told me to take the lettuce off of my sandwich).
*Guinea Pigs are a delicacy, and as a tradition, brides to be must cook one for her future mother in law before the wedding to show how good a wife she will be (with potatoes and peanut sauce).
*Urinating in public is ok, but burping in public is very rude.
*It’s not hot at the equator, but the sun is very strong. You’re cold in the shade but can easily get sun burned. This means you have to dress for 4 different environments at all times (especially during wet season).
*Eggs are not refrigerated; they are brown and just sit on the shelves.
*Gatorade is in glass bottles, as are almost all sodas.
*Hot chocolate is sold everywhere.

Friday, July 23: UIO --> GYE --> JFK
For the 4th time on this trip, we got to the airport way to early. Better safe than sorry I suppose, but it can be really boring…especially when you’re traveling with a sick person. We arrived in Guayaquil for the 4th time, but this time we had a 3 hour layover. After shopping and shopping and going back to the same stores again, we hardly purchased anything and sat at our gate waiting. Why would you board a plane to sit, cramped, for 6 hours when you can sit relatively comfortably at the gate. The only possible problem with this strategy arises when, as they check your name at the gate, they pull you out of line and escort you down a stairway. At the bottom of the stairway, you are then handed off to a different security guard who takes you across the tarmac underneath the terminal where there are a bunch of dogs and police men with machine guns, none of whom speak your language except for the words “passport.” Then you wait in line for 10 minutes as they go through every pocket of every piece of luggage from others on your plane, and different planes. You watch as they stick knives into aluminum foil wrapped food and sniff the food to make sure there isn’t anything sinister in the food. When they finally realize that you are the last person from your flight on line, they whisk you to the front and open all of your things, sticking knives they’d just used on poultry through your organic dark chocolate (I still gave it to my mom as a gift). Then, when done, they jog you back to the plane so the plane can take off 15 minutes late. This type of scenario is the only problem I see with being the last person to board the plane. Of course, I blame the drug sniffing dogs.

The rest of the day was uneventful besides our drunken pilot (that's 7 loops). I did watch the end of Billy Elliot, but as I watched many parts, I started to realized that I’d seen them before…but I couldn’t remember how far I’d watched at all. These are the leftover Ambien effects from my flight to Ecuador…as I remembered the things that actually happened, after I woke up, it seemed more like recalling a dream than reality.

Ecuador by Number:
7 – Days we were gone
8 – Flights taken
4 –Times we landed in Guayaquil
2 – Times we left the plane in Guayaquil
0 – Times we left the airport in Guayaquil
¾ - Amount of the Fanta bottle I drank before 3, 6 year old kids, harassed me for the rest.
3 – Places in Ecuador where the Equator is actually is.
10 – Cents it costs to use the toilet, if you want toilet paper, at the center of the world.
2 – Dollars it costs to take a picture with a beetle the size of your hand crawling all over you.

Pet Peeves

2010-08-22T20:14:00.003-04:00

While I was in the Hamptons this week, we came across a dog that was running around the neighborhood without its owner. After searching for the search party on bikes (figuring that the owner was actually looking for it) we gave up and had dinner. Five hours after we found the dog, we’d called animal control, called the police, got the owners number, found the owners house, but had not gotten in touch with the owner. A professional dog searcher had come to pick up the dog. The owner, having too many other things to do than look for her dog, was an hour away...probably drinking. The professional dog searcher is legendary, famous, a little crazy, and hates pet owners almost as much as I do. She’s even had a New York Times article written about her, where she describes the reason people lose their pets as “stupidity, stupidity and more stupidity.”

I love talking about pets and bad pet owners, but am told to avoid doing so because of my somewhat controversial opinions. Screw that, I’m gonna talk about pets, people who have pets, and the absurdity of those people, pets, and other animals. Here’s a good summary about my thoughts.

Birds:
There isn’t anything more evil than a bird owner. Thinking back through my personal history, I don’t think I’ve ever liked one. Birds are animals with the gift of flight, a gift I’ve dreamt about, a gift that we give to superhero’s because it’s such an amazing ability. Yet these owners take their birds and cage them, literally putting them in jail for the rest of their lives. Sometimes, their wings are even clipped. When these birds cry foul, desperate for escape, bird owners throw specially made covers over their cages to confuse the bird into thinking it’s night time. Imagine if owners did this with dogs? Imagine if every dog’s legs were cut off so it couldn’t’ run away and it was never allowed out of its cage and if it was loud, people would just cover the cages. Sounds like pure evil to me.

Dogs:
Dear City Dog Owners: I’m really glad you love your dog and your dog loves you. I’m sure he loves being locked up in your apartment all day waiting and waiting for any sign of the key in the door. Dogs are needy animals… they need companionship, they like to play. Nicknamed Man’s Best Friend, when their best friend isn’t around, they get lonely, depressed, and can rebel. Thus, I believe that having a dog in the city, leaving it locked up in your 600 sq ft apt while you are at work for 10 hours a day, is torture. I have no clue why PETA attacks the treatment of animals in show business, but does nothing for those stuck living in city life. Dogs need backyards, dogs need space, and dogs need people. I believe it should be illegal to own one without a backyard, no matter how big or small the dog is. These so called dog lovers, who are sooo mushy and cuddly with their dogs, are knowingly animal torturers (perhaps in denial). If you love your dog, and you live in the city, then set it free and give it a better life with a yard and owners who are home.

Dog Sanitation:
Why are dogs allowed to pee and poop wherever they want? I don’t care if you pick up after them; it’s still an animal pooping on the sidewalk. How is this acceptable? Obviously it’s not ok for a human to poop on the sidewalk, even if they pick it up… So why is it ok for dogs to do so? It’s disgusting…gross to the core. Why do I have to be subjugated to stepping in urine on the sidewalk every day? No wonder some people don’t allow you to wear shoes in their homes.

Horses:
I don’t know how horses survived evolution. Everything I’ve ever read points to how fragile these animals are. Bad circulation, infections, hooves that break easily, horses are a genetic disaster. When you consider that the best course of action for a horse that breaks his leg is to kill it on the spot, you wonder how they survived. I have 20 friends who’ve broken their legs over the years, and their bodies weren’t built to run at 40 mph. A horse was built to go fast and carry people yet if they get injured, they need to die, ASAP. Seinfeld sums it up well.

Cats:
I have no problem with cats or cat owners, besides that they are boring. You’d don’t have to really take care of them, and they don’t need attention. Additionally, they’re really cute when young and they just love to sleep and do nothing all day. They’re a purr-fect city pet.

If You Water it, Nothing Will Grow

2010-08-20T10:55:00.008-04:00

A few months ago, I posted a facebook status which read, I "ha[ve] the urge every morning to tell [my] doorman that no matter how much he waters the sidewalk, nothing is going to grow.

I don't know why, but some things just bother me... Subsequent to this, I moved to the UWS and started witnessing it at the JCC I walk by everyday. I decided to get active and this is what I sent.

My Email:
Dear JCC in Manhattan:

I am a local UWS resident and walk by the JCC building every morning on my way to the subway. Each morning, the JCC's staff "waters" the sidewalk, I assume to clean off a few leaves and dirt. While the method may be effective, and is seemingly much easier on the staff than using a broom, it amounts to a colossal waste of water. Assuming that a gallon of water is used every 15 seconds and it takes 30 minutes to clean your sidewalk, the JCC is pouring 120 gallons of clean water down the drain daily. (This Article estimates it could be 2x that). As I walk by the JCC each morning, I get angrier and angrier to the point that I want to yell at the staff member and tell him "no matter how much you water the sidewalk, nothing will grow." While private residences also conduct their business similarly, wasting water for the purpose of lazy cleaning does not seem very Jewish to me (environmental stewardship is a core Jewish value). In the age of conservation, in the most liberal enclave in the country, should a non profit JCC be conducting this type of activity? I think not.

I hope my thoughts have an impact on your practices.

JCC Response:
I received a response within 5 minutes, likely b/c they get this type of complaint all of the time.

Thank you for your concern. However, sidewalks don't get clean of dirt, dust, dog feces/urine and whatever else gets dropped on them unless water is used. So we will continue to use water to wash the sidewalks.

Thank you.

My Response:
Thanks for the quick response and I totally understand.

It's always amazing to me that dogs are allowed to do that... when people haven't been allowed to, for sanitary reasons, for hundreds of years. If the JCC wishes to support a dog euthanizing campaign or a PETA event showcasing how dog ownership in the city is tantamount to animal torture, I'd support that event.

Thank you.

(kidding, I sent w/o the last line)

Feel free to email the JCC in Manhattan similarly.

Eyja Didn't Ruinja Pragueja

2010-04-28T23:12:00.009-04:00

Eyja Went to Prague - Here Are The Pictures

Eyja had no idea the Volcano was going to create so many problems:
When My DJ and I took off from JFK to Prague, Eyjafjallajokull had been spewing ash for days but had just started creating havoc over northern Europe. There were no warnings that the airport closures would last. There were no warnings that this wouldn’t blow over. There was only “today” and our flight was taking off, so we got on it. In hindsight, we may have collectively decided to miss the flight… I’m pretty glad we didn’t. This trip kicked ASH.

Eyja love red eye’s, as long as the flights are long enough:
Our flight took off a little late, which we were happy about (who can fall asleep at 5pm anyway). Our flight was rerouted across the Atlantic and Alps (check pic 2) instead of the over Nova Scotia and Scandinavia, which gave us more time to sleep. My DJ’s drugs kept her asleep most of the flight while Eyja got 5 hours in (check pic 1).

Eyja know you all want to know what the weather was like:
It was 60 and sunny during the day and 45 and chilly at night. Beautiful in the sun, cold in the wind.

Ejya didn’t plan what we were going to do during our 3 days there until we got there:
We jumped off the plane, headed to Amy’s hotel room. She’s in Prague through May for work and graciously invited us to visit. We headed through the old city, across the Charles bridge (pic 3-5), and up toward the Castle. Eyja gave a walking tour for the next few hours, as we passed the John Lennon Wall (pic 12-13), the US embassy (pic 9), some light up penguins (pic 17), some awesome architecture (pic 8), some interesting sculptures (pic 16) and a ton of pubs (pic 7), churches (pic 6), and restaurants. After lunch, which we spent watching a boy make card houses using coasters (pic 19), My DJ led us through the Castle, once we made it up there (it’s gotta be 200 ft above “river” level), and we saw another church, some palace rooms and views, and a torture chamber (pics 20-27).

Eyja didn’t feel like I’d left New York:
For dinner, we (DJ, Amy and Ey) had Italian food. After dinner, we met up with some of Amy’s coworkers and went to an Irish pub (pic 31). There, we witness really bad singing that legitimately forced people to leave the bar even as some patrons tried to take the mic and sing themselves.

Eyja had an awesome Saturday:
We hit the communist museum (pic 32), crossed the river (pic 33) and headed up to Letna park, which overlooks the entire city. Atop, we had drinks (pic 34) and I enjoyed a the standard Czech meal: Beef, dumplings, cream sauce, and whipped cream (pic 35). After walking around the park for a while and seeing a giant metronome (pic 37) in the middle of an ad-hoc skateboard park, we crossed the river again and Amy ditched us.

Eyja don’t like classical music that much:
My rents said we had to see a show, and since every church, theatre, and bathroom was having performances, we decided to stop at one. But first, we had hot chocolate (pic 40) and espressos (pic 41) on the pier under the Charles bridge. The hot chocolate was to die for. The concert was possibly the most expensive thing on the whole trip. It wasn’t bad, but it wasn’t great.

Eyja was way to old to be clubbing in this town:
We had dinner with a bunch of Amy’s coworkers at a Club, Duplex, so we wouldn’t have a problem getting in. We were way too old to stick around for more than 45 min after dinner. We stopped at a dive bar on the way home and had a little “kid” fun (pics 42-46).

Eyja don’t want to talk about everything we did, b/c that’s boring:
We found out Sunday our Monday flight was cancel and spent the day on the phone and at the train station figuring out how to get home. Delta, our airline, put us on a Saturday flight through France (it was that or direct 9 days later). We also booked flights from Prague to Brussels and home, from Prague through Vienna and home (if Brussels was still closed) and from Rome to Miami and home (just in case the whole of northern Europe stayed closed). We also got a train tkt to Rome if necessary. Of course, by the time we would have needed to be in Rome, the skies were open enough that we could have flown to Rome for less than taking the train. FYI, we ended up taking Austrian Air to Vienna….problem free.

On Monday we did what we wanted to do on Sunday, which was take the self guided walking tour of the Jewish Ghetto. We found a kosher restaurant (Shelanu), and a bagel /sandwich shop, which made me very happy.

For the rest of the trip, we woke up late, did one thing in the early afternoon and worked for 3 hours at an internet café. In the evenings, we had some great dinners and some drinks (including a little absinthe). Amy was an awesome hostess, and could have cared less had we stayed for an extra 10 days. She even gave us her bed (though she claimed that the cot was more comfortable than her hard bed).

Other slightly interesting things:

Ejya don’t like walking that much:
We probably walked 10 miles on Friday, Saturday & Monday. . . Walking 5 miles on Tuesday, and Wednesday. Gotta prepare for the Great Saunter!

Eyja love breakfast:
Amy’s hotel came with free breakfast! Though it ended at 11am on weekdays and 11:30 on weekends, we made it on time 1 day. That’s is pretty damn embarrassing as far as I’m concerned. Oh, and it had an omelet station and champagne daily!

Things I think I think about Prague:
I think if you want to know what it’s like walking down a random street in Prague (in the tourist area) it goes something like this. “Pub, Church, Restaurant, Repeat.”

I think there are more KFC’s in Prague than there are in NY. However, they don’t serve the double down!

I think, I learned that the goal of the Germans during WWII was to eradicate the Jews and create a museum in Prague while I was at the Jewish Museum. I think, considering the fact that there aren’t many Jews in Prague and that the museum is located throughout 4 old synagogues, that maybe the Nazi’s succeeded.

I think, on Monday night we went for drinks and started talking to some Czech guys. I think it bothers me when foreigners belittle Americans for not speaking any other languages like we’re lazy. If everyone in the world spoke French, and they only spoke English in America and England, I’m sure I would have learned French by now. Why is it so hard to understand that being an English speaker makes learning other languages less necessary than being a Czech speaker. I think a good analogy might be algebra, but I haven’t thought it through yet. I think If a foreigner knows 10 European languages, then I’ll be impressed, but if he/she just knows English better than I know their language, I claim necessity. I think I may have upset them when I asked how many times the Czech region had been conquered and asked if they ever thought about trying to defend themselves instead of just letting everyone in.

I think Eyjafjallajokull spews ash, and sucks ash, but was definitely a pain in the ash. (yes, there are plenty of word plays to make with “ash”)

I think my favorite day in Prague was Nutella day. I had a Nutella crepe for breakfast and then a Nutella Pizza Pie for dessert (with whipped cream, pic 60).

I think I saw Crazy Heart and Young Victoria in the last 6 months. I think both were good, but I think there’s no reason to see each again. I think it was pretty funny that Crazy Heart was on the flight there and we would have seen Young Victoria on the way home if our flight hadn’t been canceled.

I think it would have been a really fun series of pictures of My DJ and I if the airport had stayed closed longer Monday at noon (our canceled flight was Monday at 10:30am). I think just having 2 pictures of us standing next to “airport closed” signs isn’t as interesting (pic 47 and 51).

I think the funniest thing I heard on the whole trip was this, “My mom always thinks I’m dead.”

I think I could never date someone who walks slow.

I think my “global” phone sucked! I performed fine, besides the fact that it would lose signals and couldn’t pick up an new one unless I restarted it (which happened 4x a day).

I think it was awesome that my rents surprised us at JFK and drove us back to the city (last pic #66). So fun!

I think, besides absinthe night where we claim we don't remember anything, my DJ and I couldn't have gotten along better.

Questions:
What do you do when someone writes "I can't talk now?" If you write back, you are ignoring their desire but if you just let the conversation end without responding, aren’t you being rude?

Why don’t planes have head holders that come from the seat, wall or ceiling that hold your head to the side? Most people can’t sleep with their heads straight back, most people like to lean to the right or left. Why can’t they create a support system that does this? I’ll draw you a picture, it wouldn’t be that hard.

What does society think acceptable risk is? Drunk Driving and Cancer are examples of non acceptable risks. We don’t want them in our society so we fight them. Yet we fly jets through meteor showers, we drive in the rain, we walk cross the street when the light is red. Sometimes, I think societies gauge is the “getting struck by lightning parable.” If it’s more likely than getting struck by lightening, then it is not an acceptable societal risk.

Little Bits of Life

2010-03-31T14:47:00.008-04:00

You can tell how much someone likes a particular TV show by how many minutes before and after that person's DVR starts and ends recording. In fact, you can probably rank a person's tastes that way. I know I start the office 2 minutes in advance, while my DJ starts Grey's Anatomy like 5 minutes early!

Why do they call it a "bang bang play" in sports when 2 things happen at the same time (ie, the throw and the runner get to 1st base at the same time). Shouldn't it just be called a "bang" play? If the play in question was actually a "bang" (the noise of the foot hitting the base) followed by another "bang"(the noise of the ball hitting the glove), it would be pretty obvious which happened first.

Why is it so bad if China becomes powerful?

I know the govt restrict freedoms, executes more people than any nation, and is secretive. However, as China gets stronger, more and more of its 1.0B people will move from lower class, to middle class. Right now, more cars are sold in China than in this country. Isn't it good for this world for more people to leave poverty and move into the middle class? As the average person in China moves up economically, they'll have computers, they'll be educated, AND they'll demand, and ultimately have more freedom. Perhaps, affluence, education, and the internet, will do more for our push toward democracy and freedom in China than "pressure" from the US could ever do. China's rise might be bad for the strength of the US, but for the average man in the world, it could be a good thing.

**I put "pressure" in quotes b/c China can do almost anything they want except attack India or Australia and we'll let them...we have no real means of asserting pressure.

To be nice, I told my friend who was moving to 109 and Amsterdam this summer that it was a perfect location. When pressed for a reason, I stated that it's close enough to Ben and Jerry's to go whenever you want, but far enough that you don't end up going every day.

While I made it my personal quest to rid the Standard Hotel and beergarden from smoking (perhaps b/c last summer they wouldn't let me in the front door), I whiffed some the other day and had an odd reaction. Nastalgia. Irony.

A TON of media attention has been paid to the bullying death of a 15 year old girl. Similarly, media attention has been paid to the overturning of a $5M conviction against a group that was protesting at a soldiers funeral. The teen aged bullies involved in causing the emotional distress of the 15 year old have been arrested and charged. While the lawsuit against the protesters was a civil matter that will now be taken up by the Supreme Court, I don't understand why the same statutes that were applied to the bullies can't be applied to the protesters. Apparently, 40 states have bully laws. Why couldn't these bullies who were causing emotional distress be arrested and charged? I'm sure in 24 hours they could have held these protesters, they could have found something to charge them with. I know that funeral protests were highly emotional encounters during Vietnam, and perhaps they were effective. . . But if the purpose of the protest isn't to actually protest the war (it was to protest homosexuality in America, which was supposedly causing Americans to die in Iraq...and to get attention and cause emotional distress)...then why not arrest and prosecute. If not, aren't the bully's rights protected under the same 1st amendment that the protesters rights are protected?

I just heard this interesting fact. In a recent poll, when asked if taxes had gone up or down under Obama, 98% of Tea Party members said taxes had gone up. Of course, under Obama, taxes had gone down for 95% of Americans. While not understanding what they are talking about is kinda funny... lets let not forget that The Tea Party was founded, with its name being based, on a protestation of higher taxes. You would think they'd know what they were talking about.

Monday Feistyness

2010-03-22T16:24:00.006-04:00

I got a little animated this morning and this is what happened...

St. Pats Smokefest:

I spent a few hours on St. Pats day at the Standard Hotel’s Beer Garden on St. Patricks Day (in the evening). The place was crowded, had heaters, and was a pretty chill venue. Except for the SMOKING. Everyone was smoking. While we were outside, there was shrubbery lining the outside and the garden is actually covered by the high line. Thus, there was no place for the smoke to escape easily. I did some research and this is what I found:

Is the standard beer garden technically outside? Answer – No

People are permitted to smoke in "Outdoor dining areas of food service establishments with no roof or other ceiling enclosure." It seems to me there was a ceiling enclosure.

Was I just standing in the smoking area and didn't realize? Answer - No

“Up to 25% of seating in outdoor areas of restaurants with no roof or ceiling enclosure may be designated smoking areas. The area must be at least three feet away from the nonsmoking area. The smoking and nonsmoking areas must be clearly designated with signs.”

Does the bar have a waiver (as of 3/31/09)? Answer – No

What are you supposed to do when a bar is violating the smoking ban laws?
A) Post on Yelp
B) Call 311
C) File a complaint

Here’s what I wrote:
“Smoking is everywhere in the "Outdoor" beer garden. The law says smoking is ok in "Outdoor dining areas of food service establishments with no roof or other ceiling enclosure." The beer garden is covered by the highline park, so I would consider it enclosed and there is no place for the smoke to go. However, even if this “outdoor” establishment is deemed not enclosed, then the law says that “Up to 25% of seating in outdoor areas of restaurants with no roof or ceiling enclosure may be designated smoking areas. The area must be at least three feet away from the nonsmoking area. The smoking and nonsmoking areas must be clearly designated with signs.” There was no smoking area, there was no 75% non smoking area, and there were no signs. Ashtrays were provided on every table, as well as candles to light cigars and cigarettes. Additionally, the hotel does not have a waiver of this law.

This is what my DJ wrote:
“On this date, I visited the Biergatren at The Standard Hotel. The Biergarten sits below the Highline - thus an enclosure/roof is established and one does not get the sense that it is actually an outdoor space. Even if the Biergarten is considered an outdoor area, there was no area that was designated for smoking - as is allowed for by law (reference: Up to 25% of seating in outdoor areas of restaurants with no roof or ceiling enclosure may be designated smoking areas.) Instead, smoking at the Biergarten was pervasive - with customers smoking at nearly every table and ashtrays made available for them. Due to the set up of the establishment, there is little ventilation that would allow for the smoke to disappate. Therefore, customers and staff are subjected to high-levels of second-hand smoke. There was no no-smoking sign or policy posted - that was visible to this customer.”

Yes, she is a much better writer than I.

Honestly, this place is facing $100,000 in fines a night, but I just want the practice stopped, so I can enjoy my beer w/o having an asthma attack.

Suck it John:

John McCain had the audacity to send me an email titled “Repeal the bill” this afternoon. He said he’s in a tight race for reelection and needs more money, so that when things change he’ll be able to make changes. Most of you know my thoughts on healthcare from THIS, but to reiterate: An insurance company’s desires to pay out as little as possible contradict both 1) the so called premise of their business model and 2) the ethical desires of the populous for a healthier nation, I’d be happy to get rid of all of them. The least we should do is regulate and promote more openness and competition.

Anyway, I emailed John back – “John, You could have supported the bill and made it better, instead you tried to block and failed. Can you imagine how much better it would have been had you co-sponsored or at least tried to negotiate? This bill is so bad because of the republicans stance not to negotiate and make it a bipartisan effort. John, you failed.”

Philanthropist or Robber Barron:

I met with a very successful investor and philanthropist the other day at a UJA breakfast for the Wall Street Division. He is the 3rd or 4th speaker I’ve heard talk about his remarkable successes in finance, while not talking about his mistakes. He’s also the 3rd or 4th speaker that’s mentioned how he took profitable businesses, and made them more profitable by cutting costs, and then sold them to other companies for large sums of money. He’s considered a great philanthropist because he takes the $100’s of millions of dollars he’s made and gives a small portion to UJA, and in return, is named to charitable boards. What I don’t get, and what always comes to mind first, yet no one asks, is the basic contradiction inherent in this person’s brain. While it’s very nice that he’s donating money, which helps poor people and those less fortunate, he is also a significant contributor to the problem by firing people from profitable companies and making them poor. To me, he’s taking cash flow from the pockets of his workers, selling that cash flow at an 8.0x multiple, and then giving some of it back to the community. To me, he’s no Robin Hood, he’s the sheriff. Of course, you can’t word your questions like that at these donor breakfasts. Does anyone else see that?

What Would You Say in 15 Seconds?

2010-03-14T20:13:00.009-04:00

Question: If you could call up the 16 year old version of yourself, but you were only allowed to talk to him for 15 seconds and nothing more, what would you say?

My friend sent me this question and then sent me some of the responses when he asked others. It's amazing the difference between how girls and boys respond. Of course, I came up with 4 responses myself.

Your job:
Post your own answer as a comment below!

Here are some samples from people who were asked this question last Sunday.

1) Girl - Don't get involved in all the high school drama. Just have fun and enjoy yourself and don't get stressed out.
2) Boy - Assassinate Supreme Court Justices during Clinton's administration so Bush doesn't win the White House and the whole world doesn't explode after 8 years of no leadership.
3) Girl - Don't let "Him" get away.
4) Boy - Take sports more seriously. You're going to grow another foot and if you try hard you could make it!
5) Girl - Don't do that. Just don't.
6) Boy - Invest in Google and create Facebook
7) Girl - Try to figure out what you want to do in college with your life. Don't leave it until you are 26.
8) Boy - Go to a college with great weather. You have the rest of your life to live on the east coast and hate winter.
9) Girl - Play basketball - It may help you get into a better college and get a scholarship.
10) Boy - Short all the banks and significantly in late 2007.

Obviously... The men recommend to their younger selves how to succeed materially, while the women focus on social issues and successfully navigating those issues (except the girl with 3 brothers).

Obama Final Update

2010-03-09T09:53:00.003-05:00

Obama Update:

It's been just over 1 year since Obama Called the Bottom of the markets, saying that "buying stocks is a potentially good deal if you’ve got a long term perspective." The dow jones average was 6726 on that day. Today, it stands at 10, 550, representing an amazing 56.9% one year return for the "First Portfolio." Obama is an insider since his policies impact the market's trading prices. However, that just means we should listen even more when he's picking stocks.

Say No To Drugs - Like Coffee

2010-03-03T15:13:00.003-05:00

Coffee is a drug, and should be regulated.

Whenever people ask me why I don’t like coffee, I always respond with “I don’t do drugs, and coffee is pretty much speed.” The ironic thing is, I’m not joking. For those of us who don’t drink coffee, actually having a cup now and then will really mess us up.

Yesterday, for some unknown reason, I couldn’t stay awake at work. (I had gotten 7 hours of sleep). Around 3pm I headed to Starbucks and ordered a Tall Mocha Frappuchino. After a few sips I could feel the impact. After ¾ of it, I was in a great mood, I wasn’t tired, and I was typing up a storm. I was making all sorts of decisions (like buying an apartment), under the influence of this drug. Making decisions while under the influence should not be encouraged, and I shouldn’t be responsible for the decisions I make while under the influence. Yesterday evening, I worked out at 8, showered and watched TV till 12, and couldn’t fall asleep until 2am. Last night's sleep was a terrible sleep, and I woke up needing another coffee type substance to get through the day. Being that I’m not quite addicted yet, I have decided to break from this never ending circular catch 22.

I’ve smoked (not often) and I’ve drank (very often), but the lasting impact from my big glass of 1/2 coffee 1/2 hot cocoa trumps the impact of those other drugs.

All I know is this –

Coffee is like speed
It’s a drug
It messes you up
It makes your heart race
It makes you sleep poorly
It makes you crave more
It’s the same as a 5 hour energy
It’s the same as a NoDoze

I’m going back to coke (a cola).

Q&A about 30, Valentine's Day, Girl on Girl, and FB Deleting

2010-02-24T00:01:00.005-05:00

UPDATED:

What are some of the benefits to being 30?

Here's what I got off the top of my head:
- I have more credibility, people think I'm successful.
- People think I'm mature...this means that when I act immature, I can catch people offguard (which is the purpose of acting that way).
- I'm allowed to get fat...or be fat...or at least I have an excuse for getting fat.
- When someone asks me to help them move apartments for the fee of some pizza and beer, I can say no. I'm pretty sure this is the rule, once you turn 30, you no longer have any obligation to help anyone move....your friends should get movers already.

How do you do Valentine's Day well?

First of all, I hate Valentine's day. My goal, as a boyfriend is to make every day feel like Valentine's Day... or at least that's what I tell my DJ. (I'm so freakin smooth w/the lines sometimes).

When you "Do It Up" on Vday, you just set her up for disappointment the other 362 days of the year (not her bday or xmas). You also get her expectations really high for the following Vday. She just wants to be with you, so spend the entire day with her! If you want to get her flowers, fine. If you want to spend an absurd amount of money on a dinner you could get the night before or after for 1/3 of the cost, you're an idiot, and if you want to take her somewhere special, enjoy. But as I said before, you're gonna have to do this over and over for the rest of your life...so don't do too much or she'll be disappointed ever year. Do not propose to her (see below)***

Above all, get her a gift and a card (oops). It doesn't have to cost $, it doesn't have to be romantic, it just has to be thoughtful... a thoughtful surprise.

The last thing you need to do is remind her what Valentine's Day is for women, a competition. Every girl, single or taken has to ask "What'd you do yesterday? What'd he get you? Where did he take you?" That "Everygirl's" goal is to judge and rank, though her reaction will likely be "awwe." You need to tell your girl that this isn't some competition, and that you are not trying to win any awards, you just love spending time w/her. You need tell her to answer those questions as such "We had a lovely day/evening together," or "He got me something thoughtful and special" or "He took me somewhere personal and special."

The purpose is to A) Trivialize all other women into a "how could I ever like anyone but you" classificaiton and B) let her know that you're not gonna "do it up," but it shouldn't ever be a compention, that's not the point. Also, if you ever decide to "do it up" 5 years from now, she'll be extra surprised.

*** If you propose to a girl on any special day, that day will become even more special. HOWEVER, if for some reason, she says "no" or you screw it up and you break up, that day will forever be ruined in her life. Is that a nice thing to do for a girl? Possibly ruin every xmas she has for the last 60 years of her life b/c you decided to propose on xmas? Exactly.

My female / female friendship is unballanced, what do I do? My friend is awesome, and I love her, and she loves me, but I can't help that she's only cute while I'm stunning can I?

The best female / female friendships work when both person thinks the other is a little bit better than they are. in terms of looks, coolness, money, status, popularity, or whatever other superfical judgement category girls use to value things. There are two possibilites, you can try to live with it, or you can pump her up. As you know, being the pretty one sucks very often. Remind her of this. Try something like "Sometimes I'm so jealous of how approachable you are. Guys talk to you constantly b/c you're so cute, while guys are just intimidated by me. The only guys who talk to me are the assholes with the guts to do it, or the really drunk ones. You have normal guys walking up to you all the time, while I have to keep my guard up b/c I get a constant streem of cocky jerks. Trust me, being 'pretty' sucks!" GOOD LUCK!

I realized yesterday that some guy i'm Facebook friends with is having a baby...and that i have no idea who he is. This mornig, I actually ran into someone that i'm fb friends with that i haven't seen in like 8 years! now i can't delete him, right? We said hi and then he 'wrote on my wall' 1/2 hour later. The question is, when is it ok to delete a FB friend?

I delete FB friends all the time. There is an art to it. A few years ago, I deleted a bunch and then told the rest that they'd been saved - Here's the article.

Anyway, you can keep whoever you want, if you like them, even if you haven't talked to them in years. These are the types of people you can delete, at any time, no matter what. Unfortunately, you may not delete family, unless you are deleting your parents and you are under 22.

People you haven't talked to in a year.
People you met once.
People I will never message again
Ex's at any time, for any reason.
(feel free to comment w/your own rules for deletion)

A good test of someone's facebook friend worthyness is thinking of this hypothetical scenario. If you ran into that person at a bar, and none of your mutual friends were in the room, would you talk to them or ignore them?

This happened to me last summer. I was standing right next to a FB friend who I gone to college with. I didn't say hi and pretty much pretended like we didn't know eacother. She was deleted the next day.

As I said, these are just guidelines, you don’t have to delete these people. You don’t ever have to delete someone you actually like.

Funny story: Last month I emailed a girl that I had not talked to in years because a friend of mine was applying for a job at her company, and I was hoping to help by sending the resume through her. She wrote back "Honestly, it would not be professional for me to recommend a complete stranger." Of course, I wasn't asking for a recommendation, just an "in." A few days later, she deleted me. I wrote back post deletion "congrats on getting married." The funniest part of this story is that, though we have not talked in 4 years probably, I'm pretty sure she reads this site periodically.

Insanity!

2010-02-18T12:58:00.003-05:00

Three weeks ago, I sat down at my desk, and one of the 5 wheel spokes of my chair broke.

Two and a half weeks ago, I woke up on Saturday morning and watched a fitness infomercial and got very curious / inspired.

Two weeks ago, I ordered "The Insanity," an intense cardio workout for atheletic people.

Ten days ago, I started videos with a fit-test. Eight, 1-minute exercises that I could barely finish. I almost puked after and could hardly move for 4 hours. You retake the fit-test every 14 days over the 60 day workout to judge your progress.

The workouts are daily, with 1 rest day every week, and they are intense... 3-4 minutes of "work and sweat and push and dig" as hard as you can with 30 seconds of break before another 3-4 minute set. The best part of the video is when Sean T is walking around to see how the others behind him are doing and he's like "your form is compromised, take a break." Seriously, there are 10 fit, athletic people behind him and they drop like flies during some of the workouts. There are 12 different workouts, there's a calendar, and there's a nutrition book. Let's just say I use 2 of those 3 things.

I've worked out at my DJ's once, when she wasn't there. I worked out in the living room of my apt once, when my roommate wasn't there. Otherwise, I've been doing the DVD's in my room, on my carpeting. I don't really have any desire to do these workout with others (though my pride, when working out w/someone else, could help me push through the tough spots). My shoes (3 different pairs) hurt my feet so much that the last 2 times I did all the workouts barefoot. I purchased new ones...I'll be returning them.

Considering that a gym membership cost $120 a month, this is def worth it so far. I forsee problems staying motivated and problems finding time. So far, I have yet to miss a day (except to play volleyball), but I have a feeling that I may start to miss some days as I try not to skip out on the rest of my life. Hopefully, my DJ can keep me motivated.

Puerto Was a While Ago

2010-01-29T15:57:00.007-05:00

I've been back for 2 weeks, and haven't posted anything. You know how it starts... first you take a few notes, then you try to organize how are you are going to say what you want to say. Then you start over. Then your mom mentions how you haven't posted in a while. It's not writers block, because I'm not a writer. It's more just habit. I used to write 2-3x a week, it was habit. Then life happened. . . Now it just takes a bit more effort to get started, I'm a bit more critical on what I write, and I actually have points to make and stories to tell (instead of just worldly observations).

Anyway, here's a lil essay on my 30th bday trip to Puerto Rico.

As always, HERE ARE THE PICTURES

Ben: Arrived Jan 8, Departed - Jan 18

Why did I upgrade to 1st class? A) I knew I'd be hungover, B) I saved the $50, over-weight fee on my luggage so it wasn't so bad C) There's nothing better than first class when your parents are in coach D) It's my freaking bday, I'm 30, and it's my money E) All of the above. Was this a stress free vacation? Nope! Was this a good vacation? Yes! Did I have a ton of fun w/my friends? Absolutely!

Mom & Dad: Arrived - Jan 8, Departed - Jan 16

They had, by a wide margin, the best vacation out of anyone. They went to the beach, they went to the pool, they went to the hot tub, they went gambling, they went hiking, they went to the rain forest, they went to the largest space radio satellite thingy, and they ate a good restaurants. Anyone could have done that stuff, but this is why they had the best time.

Something Fun They did: Their whole trip - They got to feel 30 years younger, hanging out with a bunch of 20 somethings (and a few 30 somethings).

Elana & Ariel: Arrived - Jan 8, Departed - Jan 15

Something Fun Ariel Did: He knows how to vacation. Donuts, Cake and Cap'n Crunch for breakfast. That's my kinda vacation. He also read Harry Potter 7 in 2 days.

Something Fun Elana Did: While this was a "trip" for some, this was definitely a vacation for Elana, having left her kids behind to freeze in MD or NY.

Daniella & Steiny: Arrived - Jan 8, Departed - Jan 11

Something Fun Daniella Did: Daniella hit the slide at the Marriott.

Something Fun Steiny Did: Steiny, gambled, drank, and blew up pool toys.

Rob & Katie: Arrived - Jan 9 (1am), Departed - Jan 10

Something Fun Rob Did: They showed up. Surprise! Not only did they surprise me by coming for a quick weekend getaway, but Rob surprised Katie too!

Something Fun Katie Did: She & Rob also went on a Segway tour of Old San Juan... inspiring our own desire to take a tour.

Carrie: Arrived - Jan 10, Departed - Jan 13

Something Fun Carrie Did: Carrie napped. I swear every time I saw her she was napping. At the pool, on the back porch, in the car after the rain forest. napppppping!

My DJ: Arrived - Jan 11, Departed - Jan 18

Something Fun My DJ Did: Let see... She swam in a freezing waterfall, she lost her shoe in a flash flood, she washed her legs in a bar's bathroom, she learned how to gamble, she dominated roulette, she got a tan in one morning's worth of sun.

Mike: Arrived - Jan 11, Departed - Jan 17 (3am)

Something Fun He Did: When we got caught in the flash flood, Mike took off on his own, showing up at the house 3 hours later. Apparently he made it to the bar where they invented Pina Coladas. We didin't believe him, but 3 days later he took us there again. I'm pretty sure Mike also funded at least 2 people's gambling habits.

JT(T): Arrived Jan 13, Departed Jan 18

Something Fun JT(T) Did: While most of us were watching the Jets game, and everyone was drinking, only one person actively participated in Truth or Dare, JT(T). The hurricane had lotsa fun wrapping him in a mummy costume, though Sharyn wouldn't allow him to melt an ice cube on her in a closet.

Adi & Jaimie: Arrived Jan 14 (1am), Departed Jan 18

Something Fun A&J Did: It was raining for the 3rd straight day, and they weren't gonna take it anymore. They made some phone calls and rented a cheap car for a day. What do you do when its raining? You head to the rain forest!

Sandals & Kim: Arrived: Jan 14 (2am), Departed Jan 19 (3am)

Something Fun S&K did: They rented a car too, but decided to go on a kayaking trip through a bioluminescent bay. Apparently, the microbes in the lake light up at night time when startled, making the lake glow as you glide across it.

Amy: Arrived - Jan 14, Departed - Jan 17

Something Fun Amy Did: She spent 2 hours (w/me, The Hurricane & My DJ), in the Marriott hot tub during a rainstorm. Then we watched someone being rescued from the ocean (ok, not really fun but interesting).

Steph & Laura: Arrived - Jan 14, Departed - Jan 18

Something Fun They Did: They hung out with my parents alot. What fun! (just kidding). Actually, they met some surfers and talked to them on the phone for almost the whole trip, finally realizing that a surfing tour of the south coast just wasn't gonna happen.

Sharyn: Arrived - Jan 14, Departed - Jan 18

Something Fun Sharyn Did: Sharyn picked a fight with a few people...trust me, she loves doing that... it's how she has fun.

The Hurricane: Arrived - Jan 15 (2am), Departed - Jan 18 (3am)

Something Fun The Hurricane Did: When is she not doing something fun? (oh yea, she delayed her flight by a day because of WORK). She danced the night away in the middle of a 50 person circle at the San Sebastian Festival.

Rob: Arrived - Jan 15, Departed - Jan 18

Something Fun Rob Did: Rob showed up! He missed 7 of 8 of our volleyball matches last year, but somehow, he didn't miss his flight. I didn't think he was coming until he actually showed up.

Robbie & Evan: Arrived - Jan 16 (1am), Departed - Jan 19

Something Fun Robbie Did: Besides joining The Hurricane for a dance at San Seb, Robbie organized Saturday night dinner. Cheap and really good. I'm pretty sure he made the rain go away.

Something Fun Evan Did: Evan won a drinking contest with the DJ, he & Robbie got me a hat that says "I like SWAT (Sexy Woman Any Time)"

For a little taste of San Seb '10, here's a video:

The House:

Here's the review I posted online after our stay "I just spent 10 days in Marble Villa with a total of 25 of my closest family and friends. Marble Villa has 4 beautiful apartments that can hold between 2 and 6 people each. We rented all 4 apartments for the week and had family and friends coming in and out during our time there. We maxed out at 16 people for 4 of the days, and had no problem sleeping everyone comfortably. The house is well kept, the kitchen is huge, as is the fridge, and there is plenty of dining space. The common area had its own central air system while each bedroom had its own air conditioners. Additionally, the house and rooms were cleaned daily. The pool area is very nice and well kept, with a little waterfall in the pool. The garden behind the pool is very large, and has plenty of chairs as well. As for location, the house is right off the highway, and thus easily accessible from the airport. Being that we had people coming in and out, 9 of the 10 days someone was landing or taking off, and all the cabs found the house relatively easily. The house is a 5 minute walk from the beach, 2 hotel/casinos (Marriott/La Concha) and about 10 really nice restaurants on Ashford. While the pool was nice, we usually walked the 5 minutes to the beach, where chairs were purchased for only $3 for the day! Getting to old San Juan was a breeze, as we either called a cab or walked the 4 minutes to the hotels where a cab would take us for $3-$4 per person. Taxi's seemed easily available even though it was a holiday weekend. Additionally, if you want to rent a car, you can do so at the airport, or at the 2 places to rent in town. If you're looking for a rainforest excursion, or other excursion, and would rather a tour, just walk to the nearest hotel. "

ChaCha (262262):

You can text ChaCha anything, and for free, someone will try to answer it. They send an advertisement text along as well, so that's how they make money. By the end of this trip, I recieved a text from ChaCha stating that I'd used up my rights to the service, and would need to wait to use it again. Not that we were obsessed, but whenever we needed anything we'd ChaCha - "Send me some trivia" or "Why do Subway restaurants smell?". And we always got answers "What division of the military had only 5 members at the beginning of WWI (Air force)" - "They stink! Quiznos is better. Would you like the address of the nearest Quiznos?" I can't wait to chacha again.

Harry Potter unMagic:

On January 1, Ariel asked if I could bring Harry Potter 7 (HP7) to Puerto Rico.

On January 2, I search my apt, and my DJ searched hers for it. It was in Westchester, so if need be, he'd get it on Monday when she arrived.

On January 6, I asked friends who would be at my party on the 7th, if they had a copy. If they did, then they could bring it to the party (including Randi, who didn't have one) so that I could bring it to PR on the 8th.

On January 7th, Randi & Catrina purchased a copy of HP7, and gave it to me to bring to PR. Now I own 2 copies.

On January 8th, I left that copy of HP7 behind b/c I was too hungover to remember to pack it.

On January 10th, my DJ brought Ariel the other copy of HP7, from Westchester.

On January 12th, Ariel finished it.

On January 19th, my DJ and I had an arguement b/c she wanted me to keep both, and she'd buy another for herself.

I feel like a Harper's Magazine:

13 - Different places Happy Birthday was sung to me over and 18 day span.

3 - Times I wished for this version of Happy Birthday to be the last.

3 - Times that wish didn't come through - Though I suppose this is kinda like wishing for less wishes, and thus, illegal.

4 - Cakes that were made/purchased for my birthday.

25 - People who came on the trip, including myself.

2 - People who canceled their trips 2 days before hand, within 15 minutes of eachother.

0 - Days in which no one in our group was at the airport.

3 - Average inches of rainfall for San Juan in January.

8 - Inches of rainfaill from Wednesday through Saturday.

15 - Inches of water we had to walk through in Old San Juan.

2 - People who's sandals fell off and started drifting away.

40 - Age I'll be the next time I celebrate my own birthday.

25 - Twenty something aged girls on my flight home, likely heading back to college the next day.

Half - Twenty something girls on my flight that were wearing leggings.

7 - Dirty/Awkward/Snickering looks due to my wearing a t-shirt stating "leggings are not pants."

Non Trip Related:

0 - Average number of strangers that talk to me on the Subway, monthly. (sneezing related incidents excluded)

22 - Average number of strangers that talk to my DJ on the Subway, monthly. (every business day)

I Think I think I thought:

I think that visors don't work well with long hair. It just sticks straight up, or down.

I think its amazing there was a Robbie, Rob, and Rob (John) on the trip. Amazing.

I think I have a fear of giving money to someone, and that person telling me they aren't homeless.

I think I forgot Sunglasses, Cue Tips, and HP7. Good thing my DJ came later w/those things!

I think I brought 3 books with me, and read 50 pages in total.

I think, when we were walking around in groups of 10+ people (sometimes 15), it felt a bit like freshman year of college.

I think I found a shirt in my suitcase that I hadn't seen since Israel, the last time I used it.

10 Year Evaluation

2010-01-03T22:14:00.001-05:00

Dear 30 Year Old Ben:

What are you doing? Quit screwing up all of my plans?!?!

Sincerely,

20 Year Old Ben

-----------------------------------------------------------------------
What would my 20 year old self think of the 30 year old me? This is the letter he would write me: (Actually, he wouldn't write anything. 20 year old Ben hated writing).

Dear Ben:
You are so different than I thought you were gonna be. What happened? Let me categorize and explain all the things that have happened to you.

Writing:
Did you seriously start a blog? I didn’t even know you liked writing? In fact, we used to joke all the time how you got B’s in remedial English class in high school. Remember, freshman year at RU, after we got an A in Expository Writing (supposedly the hardest class at Rutgers because the teacher was friends with your sister), we went back to our HS teacher who’d told us how hard it was, and showed her. Yea, that’s how much we hated writing. We hated it so much that we never took a second writing class in the next 3.5 years of school. We hated it so much because we got B’s in our history classes even though we liked them so much more than our finance classes. And now you write 2x a week (at least you did till the end of the summer).

Girls:
Dude, you were supposed to be MARRIED by now?! WTF. Your older sister is going to get engaged about a year and yet 9 years after that, you’re still “single?” You better be dating cute girls. Damn, and wow. I take all that back. You’re girlfriend is mad hot, much hotter than any girl I, at 20, could ever think about attaining. Do you remember how celibate we were b/c of our high standards? I guess you finally caught up to those standards. Perhaps the fact that you’re fat is helping a little. Is she smart? Who cares, I def don’t care about that at 20!

Health:
Holy crap Ben, you got fat! When you were my age, you were 6’2, 155 lbs. Now you’re 6’3, 210 lbs (yes, I don’t get it either, but you’re an inch taller from 20 – 30). You used to have a slim fast WITH breakfast and lunch in order to gain weight. Don’t you remember the deals you made with yourself? You said you’d start eating healthy when you started to have a stomach. Um, have you looked in the mirror? Stop eating so much. We used to go to the gym all the time, volleyball practice 8 days a week and hitting weights once a week. We used to look like THIS and THIS? What happened to that? Have a salad and hit the gym you fat fuck.

Materialism:
And while we’re talking about your looks, why don’t we discuss this whole wardrobe you’ve got going on. When did you start caring about your clothes and buying jeans for over $30? When did you start getting your suits and shirts tailored to your awkward sizes? Why is this ok? You don’t want people to like you for what you look like, so why dress well? You’re just opening up yourself to people judging you! You’re apartment is absurd. You’re spending way more on that place for “show.” You don’t need that glam, you don’t need something so showy. Do you remember your college apt? Do you remember your first apartment in Hoboken? You were happy in those 300 sq ft run down places. Why do you need all that? Good, you don’t. Good.

Job:
Remember our plan? You were gonna work for 8 years until you were 30, then start a career you actually like. We even had a budget. You make 150K a year and then you’d spend $1,000 on rent, $1,000 on everything else every month and save $75K a year! After 8 years, compounded at 9%, you’d have $1.0M, and would retire into teaching. Remember that? What about that PHD in financial engineering we’d discussed? What about staring your own company? Obviously you can’t do that in finance, but you can in almost any other field.

Volleyball:
How did you put on 60 lbs, yet get better at volleyball. Is that really possible? Your overall game is so much better though you are obviously slower and can’t jump nearly as high. I’m glad your ball skills have improved enough that you can actually play the back row, or set for your team if need be.

Religion:
Are you seriously only dating Jewish girls? When did you start going to all these Jewish events? When did you start getting involved with all these Jewish charities? I’m absolutely amazed at how much you care about Judaism, Israel, and being Jewish now that you’re 30. However, I’m glad your thoughts on G-d, the afterlife, and religion in general have not changed much. Yet I’m amazed that being “Jewish” is somehow much more important to you. Your connection our collective Jewish history is stronger, your connection to Israel is much stronger, and your connection to other similar Jews is much stronger. In college, we hardly ever hung out with Jewish people or did anything Jewish. Though your sophomore year roommate was Jewish, none of your 7 junior year college roommates were Jewish, nor were most of your best college friends.

Friends:
KICK ASS BEN. You found people that actually like you for you. All you had to do was be a jerk and think more highly of yourself, and people started thinking more highly of you. Just don’t let it go to your head. It probably has a lot to do with how much your looks have improved. Don’t forget, those will disappear in another 10 years, or if you keep getting fatter, idiot. But seriously, your friends are kinda awesome… like really awesome… like so much more awesome then most of the people you hung out with at 20 (and don’t even get me started w/the kids from high school).

You are very lucky that it’s become easy to stay close to good friends vs 10 years ago! Email is probably the #1 reason, with text messaging and social networks a close second/third. You’re now good friends with people in San Fran, LA, Arizona, Chicago, South Florida, Minnesota, Michigan, Denver, DC, Boston, UK, Estonia, Norway, France, and Barcelona. Most of them know what you’ve been doing, and you know what they’ve been doing. Amazing.

Porn & Sexuality:
You still like girls. In fact, you still like girls too much. I guess this means there haven't been many changes, which is a relief (b/c not everyone was sure you'd make it). However, perhaps you shouldn’t still be using the same websites you were 10 years ago. AND the online dating thing you did a few years ago…what were you thinking?

I'm pretty proud of the person you've become...but its time to grow up, realize some of your goals, and do what you enjoy. 30 year old Ben, you've still got plenty of work to do, and I fear for 40 year old Ben.

Boyz II Men in 2010

2009-12-28T00:02:00.003-05:00

The new year is approaching! Its time to pick a theme for 2010! Everything's Fine in '09 was a wonderful mantra till I met my DJ. After that, I had so much less time for all of the other things I had said yes to, I was slightly overwhelmed. Additionally, with a girlfriend, it's not as easy to do anything and everything you want to. As I've learned this year, you actually have to consider the other person as well. How revolutionary! For my DJ, I'll gladly make that sacrifice. But that's what adults do isn't it? They consider others and don't just say "yes" to everything. They mature, they grow up, and they say "no" sometimes too. Saying "yes" to everything, while fun, isn't really a very grown up way to act. Continuing on this thought process, it may just be time to grow up. 4 days into 2010, I'll be turning 30, and won't really be a kid anymore. Thus, I can no longer agree to do to everything I want to, before thinking about what I'm actually agreeing to. Therefore, just like when I was 13, it's time for me to become a man. To paraphrase and rhyme: Boyz II Men in 2010.

"It's so hard to say goodbye to yesterday." Boyz II Men, Yesterday

Everything's fine in '09 is over! It may be tough to let that mantra disappear, but it's time. The mantra, while an interesting experiment on living, isn't a way to live forever. Just ask Tiger Woods. For him, everything wasn't fine in '09. As I see myself moving forward, it's time for some things not to be fine. It's time to say goodbye, to yesterday.

Let's don't wait till the water runs dry
We might watch our whole lives pass us by - Boyz II Men, Water Runs Dry

One of the problems with never growing up is that I risk missing out on things adults do. My fears surrounding this are substantial, and these fears are driving forces which contribute to my need to become a man. To simplify, while I have short term fears about growing up, I have much longer term fears about not growing up.

I don't want to wake up one morning and realize my whole life has past me by. I don't want to wake up alone when I'm 40. I have goals in the future, and while I'm scared of the short term sacrifices it will take to get there, I'm also scared of how hard it will be on me if I don't get there. I've observed some of my female friends who had goals at 25 (pink), 30 (wise guy), or 35 (unnamed), and haven't achieved those goals. They are freaking out. I don't want to freak out when I hit an age, like 40. I don't want too ever look back and realize, its too late to go back and do what I could have done when younger. Technically, I already do that about being a professional football player, and the feeling sucks.

"Close your eyes, make a wish.
And blow out the candlelight.
For tonight is just your night.
We're gonna celebrate, all thru the night." Boyz II Men, Yesterday - I'll Make Love to You

I'm growing up and here are a few of the things I want to do now that I'm an adult:

Live Alone: I've previously wrote about how I'm getting "divorced" at the end of June, the latest. I removed that posting b/c some of you thought it could be insensitive. Nevertheless, it is happening. I'm not sure if I'm gonna buy, or gonna rent, but I'm gonna be gone. What will I do with the new freedom? Will I walk around naked? Will I throw more parties? Will I be lonely? Will I love it? Will I hate it? Who knows! All I do know is that I'm doing it, and It's part of growing up and being an adult.

Shoot a Gun: I wanna shoot a gun. I never have. I think it's something I want to try. I don't know if I'll like it or not. I don't know if I'll become a regular shooter or be even more for gun control. But before I fight against handgun access, I may as well try one.

Take Classes: I'm not sure what I want to take classes in. I tried Hebrew a few year ago and that didn't take. Perhaps I'll take an art class. Maybe I'll take an intense gym class that will kick my ass and get me in shape.

Invest in a Business/Idea: There's something about ownership that I love. There's something about ownership that I don't ever feel. Similar to the pride of painting a picture, or creating something from scratch, you can get that from own, starting, funding your own business. Maybe it'll be a bar, maybe it'll be a start up idea, maybe it'll just be something more simple, but I want to do this at some point. I'm so uninspired by working, when I'm not working for myself, I want to feel inspired with what I do. I want to work hard for myself. I realized this while making my grab bag gift for my office. I got my hands a little dirty and created an exo skeleton for an umbrella so you couldn't tell what it was before opening it. It took me an hour, but I felt creative, inspired and happy. I feel this way sitting in the board meetings of the Isabella Freedman Retreat Center as well, even though I still know very little about the facility. I like that feeling and I want it. I have no clue when I'll do something like this, but I want to. I want to badly.

UPDATED - 1/2/10:
I saw Up I The Air a few days ago and the thematic resemblance to this blog posting are uncanny. If I had written this posting AFTER seeing the movie w/my DJ, not only would she have thought I was unoriginal, but also she would have accused me of plagiarism. The movie's a "coming of age" piece about a middle aged guy, who refuses to make any real decisions, make any real connections, and move forward with his life. His whole life is "up in the air" until he realizes that his life is passing him by. Thus the title of the movie, thus my posting.

I meant to document some of my "accomplishments" and "successes" of Everything's Fine in '09 in the original post (yes, the quotation marks are necessary). There are plenty of things I never would have done this year that I did do b/c of the mantra. I'll just list a few:

I went to Egypt w a virtual stranger.
I became a mentor of a 14 year old Bronx student.
I ate talapia.
I ate cod.
I went to Florida
I went to Texas
I went to the Poconos
I spent 2 days building buildings in Israel - Here and Here.
I ate salad.
I ate sushi.

Oh, If you're looking for something to get me for my upcoming 3-0, HERE'S the updated list.

Q&A for Men (Who are Acting Like Women)

2009-11-23T16:17:00.000-05:00

Questions from men, answered by a man-ish:

Q: I have been emailing with this girl for a few days that I met at a party last week. I’m not sure she’s interested and I don’t want to ask for her number and get rejected b/c we’ll be seeing a lot of each other in the future due to our mutual friends. She’s not very responsive to the emails, but I believe that’s because she’s either A) busy or B) just doesn’t like email. She takes a while to respond and doesn’t really put in much effort to answer all the questions and whatnot. We got along great in person though. How can I find out w/o it getting weird?

A: Try sending an email like this: “I’m not sure if you’re aware of this, b/c you could possibly be really young, but the proper way to respond to an email is to answer all the questions asked of you, then ask a few more of your own to elicit a similar response from me Perhaps, growing up in the cell phone age, you are more accustomed to texting… if you’d like to switch to that format of communication, I believe it can be arranged.”

Feel free to end that email with “I’d be happy to oblige” or “I suppose I can acquiesce” or “I guess I can make the sacrifice” instead of the other suggested line.

If she likes you, she’ll laugh, she'll apologize and respond with a full email and she’ll send her number. If not, she’ll say she’s been really busy, but you’ll know, and it won’t be awkward going forward. At that time, you’re welcome to tease the crap out of her with “you could have told me” or “I’m pretty sure I’m your #1 priority” or something to that affect or effect.

Q: My friend has a date with a girl on a Sunday. He doesn’t know what time to make it for. Is 7:30 too early? I feel like it’s a pretty “safe” time to offer up. It’s a first date so he's nervous.

A: Is he a woman? Tell him to stop thinking too much because no girl likes a guy who cares too much before he should. I used to get nervous all the time, those girls were the ones who didn’t like me back because it was sooo obvious how much I wanted it. 7:30 is fine for a Sunday, but it can’t end before 9pm b/c she’ll get home and wonder what she’s doing the rest of the evening. He has gotta make it last until 10pm, but can’t go much past 11 b/c it’s Sunday. Perhaps, 8:15pm is the best time to be on the “safe” side.

Q: I met this girl at an event on Wednesday and on Friday a girl w/the same first name emailed the group some “spam-ish” type email. What should I respond with? I don’t even know if it’s the same girl.

A: I need background on her, your conversations with her.

Q: We were talking about how after the event she was going to break it off w/some guy she was dating. Don’t remember much else.

A: Email “Hi ####: Thanks for the mass email! (you are teasing her) Are you the Alli I met on Wednesday at the Event? If you are, then it was great to meet you and I hope the dumping of that guy went great. If you are not, then you should feel honored to be confused with such a lovely lady. Take care”

Q: How far ahead of time do you have to look if you want to buy a place?

A: Guest Response b/c I have no clue:
*3 months to close (could be less, but plan for worst)
*1 month for negotiation/acceptance of bid
*1-3 months of looking before you find a place you really like

Obviously all of these can be shorter (or longer) like if you find the place of your dreams the first apt. you go into. But otherwise, I think that is about right.

More on Ex's, Bosses, and My Life

2009-11-17T00:02:00.000-05:00

When I’ve got writing brain freeze, there’s no better way to unthaw it than a Q&A!

From OCD: How come it seems like no matter how much you feel you are over your ex, think they are actually kind of annoying, have stopped thinking about them regularly, it really really sucks when you find out they have a new girlfriend?

There are 2 reasons and they revolve around questioning yourself (confidence) and jealousy.

First we constantly question ourselves about our decisions not to be with someone. When a different girl decides she wants to be with a particular boy that you didn't want to be with, you start thinking "does she know something I don’t' know?" or "why does she fit better than I fit?" “Maybe it was me?” This is all about self confidence. When you made your decision to break up, you were confident in it. Be confident in it in the future.

The second reaction is jealousy. No matter if you dumped him or not, you still don't want anyone to be with him. You were "the one" for some period, and that should never change. It's kinda like how boys want to be with a girl who's never been with another guy before him. He's jealous over someone he never met that she dated 4 years earlier.

Oh, I forgot the 3rd reason…boys suck.

From Panhead: What is the appropriate way to ask your boss for something to do? It is always way more awkward to ask for work, than pretending to be working. But I would rather have some work to do, on these occasions that arise.

You hit the nail on the head. You absolutely do not want to walk into your boss’s office and say “do you have anything for me to work on?” That’s obviously the wrong decision.

My suggestions are 4 fold:
1) You are nuts, do not ask your boss for more work. Why would you want more work?

2) If you like the company, try to learn more about what everyone else at your level does. You don’t have to ask your boss for more work, but you can let your peers know that you have more time, or are curious about what they do and how they do it.

3) Start doing more work. If you know what your boss does with your work once it’s done, maybe do his work a few times and show him. That may get you fired for being too ambitious and stepping on others toes, but it may get you promoted for showing initiative. Instead of asking for more work, suggest that you be allowed to take your work to the next level.

4) If you don’t really like your company, enjoy the time off. Get a blackberry so you can search the web and chat and do everything you could want to do when not at work, during work. Feel free to leave the office on long walks and / or go shopping.

What the hell have you been doing and why aren’t you writing?!

I’ve gotten this question a few times, and the answer is pretty simple: I’m busy and I’m lazy. Deal with it!

Here’s what I’ve been busy doing...

New 09 Responsibilities:
I’ve already written about IMentor, Ibro, but this year, the year of “Everything’s Fine in 09,” I’ve taken on a few more responsibilities.

I’m on the board of the Young Friends of JBFCS. We’re a group that goes to all the JBFCS buildings and plays with the kids that are being housed there. Sometimes its sports, sometimes it’s a holiday party, but it’s really rewarding and fun and we’ve got a great group of people who participate.

I’m an Observer on the board of The Isabella Freedman Retreat Center in North Western Connecticut. When UJA asked me to be an observer on this board, I hardly knew anything about it. The more I learn however, the more I like it. There are all kinds of programs and spiritual retreats for youth and elderly. There’s a green program as well, where people live off the land for 3 months. If is the standard for running a “green” organization, and they are working to teach everyone else to be the same. The Center has a ton of leadership changes going on now, and it’s actually a really exciting time to be involved.

I’m on the Community Connections Board at UJA. We’re a group of 10 young professionals that had $200K to give out to 4 or 5 projects around the city. These projects are meant to facilitate communication between Jewish teens and other ethnicities in their neighborhoods in the city and slightly beyond. We are funding a modified “West Side Story” show in Washington Heights. We are funding an entrepreneurship program, where kids get to start a company in Crown Heights. There are 2 other programs as well, including one dealing with science projects too. We only meet every other month, but it’s really really interesting work, especially when we visit our projects (I’m going this week!).

Books:
The Last Lecture: A guide book to how to live your life by a terminally ill. It describes his journey to give a lecture to his students about life, and that lecture. Really touching, really good advice. I didn’t cry.

Look at the Birdie: Fantastic book by the late Kurt Vonnegut. While his books follow one really well written quirky character through a crazy story, this is a bunch of really well written short stories with many quirky characters. You jump right into each story and he doesn’t tell you much about the characters. You learn about their lot in life as you read about their trials. Of course, I posted my favorite quote (about marriage) from the book on Facebook and it got me in lotsa trouble w/my DJ and her friends. It was something like “Single people are lonely, but married people are lonely with dependants.”

Time Traveler’s Wife: This is my kinda story. Not because it’s a chick book. Not b/c it’s about time travel, and not b/c it’s well written. It’s my kinda story b/c it’s organized really well. I like how each 3-5 page chapter is a different time, a different year, and a different age of the characters. I could care less that the writing isn’t so great, that the story has loopholes that make no sense, and that the theme is supposed to be all sad and sappy when it really isn’t. What I care about is organization, b/c that’s what I’m good at. If I ever finish my book, it’ll be similar to this.

Lolita: I haven’t started this yet but it was highly recommended to me by my friend Cheryl. She said it’s “the most beautifully written book. It’s like a poem.” That could be the worst review ever for a book, except that she recommended “The Road” to me (which was awesome) and has read more books than I’ll ever read. She also said she rereads this one every few years, so that’s gotta mean something, considering the only books I’ve reread are Harry Potter books.

TV Shows:
I’m in full TV swing here this fall, and I’m actually keeping up. I tried to get into Mad Men, but don’t seem to have the time. However, I am keeping up with The Office, Project Runway, Grey’s Anatomy, and How I Met Your Mother. Grey’s is still terrible but the rest are just fantastic! Of course, Sunday’s, I’m watching football. Come January, I’ll have much more time. (Even December the way my teams are playing this year).

Hanging w/my DJ:
I’m giving it a shot. Ya know…for real. Personally, I believe there is absolutely a reason that the word “COMMITTED” can mean both in a relationship, and institutionalized. That won’t stop me from trying to be one, without becoming the other! Of course, I can’t speak for my DJ. She’s got no problem with one, though sometimes, like all girls, I think she needs the other.  Anyway, I’ve met most of her friends, I’ve met her parents, I’ve met her grandma, I’ve met one of 4 siblings and, most importantly, they all think I’m Ok. I think.

Planning my Birthday:
I’m not going to post too much about the planning process because I’m likely going to post a ton about it afterwards. However, I’ve booked a house in Puerto Rico, got a flight, invited most of my friends and family and am ready for Shenanigans. If only everyone else would book their flights!

Sup Ibro?

2009-10-27T11:01:00.002-04:00

I met my mentee, Ibrahima (Ibro) on Saturday. He seemed like a really nice, smart, shy kid. Obviously, there's plenty to work on before we turn him into Ben 2.0. Saturday's meeting consisted of various ice breakers and whatnot, and we'll be meeting 3 more times over the next 5 weeks in order to build a closer bond (puke). After that, we'll likely be communicating by email, and meeting once every month or so. Here's the first email I sent him.

Hello Ibrahima:

My name is Ben and I’m a 29 year old that works in the world of finance. I live near Union Square in Manhattan and work on the Upper West Side of Manhattan. Thank you for emailing me and don’t worry about not being able to finish in time. I am sure next time you will finish. I also played football in high school! I’m sure there is a ton of stuff we can talk about in that subject! This is my first time being a mentor and I’m very excited about the opportunity to get to know you and I’m also a little nervous because I have never done anything like this before. I’m sure it will work out great. Hopefully this year, as we get to know one another, we’ll be able to share fun stories and learn from each other.

Imentor has given me some sentences to finish. Some are pretty silly but here is my best try. 1. The one word that best describes me is “stable.” I don’t let many things upset me but I also don’t get overly excited about things. This is both good and bad, but my friends rely on me to always be the same for them.
2. If I could travel to anywhere in the world it would be “Argentina.” I love steak, do you? Everyone who goes to Argentina and Brazil tells me that you can get steak everywhere, and it’s not expensive, and it’s the best they have ever had! Hopefully, I can go sometime soon.
3. My number one dream for my future is “building my own family.” I have two sisters and both are married but I’m still single! They are looking to make our family bigger while I work all day and so I really want to find someone that I actually like!
4. My most prized possession is “my cell phone!” I take my phone everywhere and constantly use it. If I ever lost it or if it broke I would run to the Verizon store to get another one!
5. My favorite movie or CD is… I have many favorite movies. I’m sure you do too. My favorites are probably Jerry McGuire, Apollo 13, The Matrix movies and the Borne Identity movies.
6. My greatest accomplishment in my life so far is still to come. While I’ve done many good things, I don’t think I’ve tried that hard or wanted something bad enough to be proud of getting it. The biggest accomplishments are those that you want the most, and then achieve. I still have to find one of those.
7. My family would describe me as “young.” I like to act like I’m a kid sometimes. I’m always looking to find the “fun” in any activity.
8. My greatest fear is “falling from heights.” I’m not scared of heights. I don’t have any problem being in a high building or on an airplane, but I don’t like looking over the edge of buildings or mountains. I have a fear of falling! Have you ever been on an airplane?
9. During my free time (outside of school or work), my favorite activity is “playing volleyball.” I played volleyball in college and though I’m not as good as I used to be, I still play once a week in a league.
10. If I could change one thing in the world today, I would change selfishness in professional sports. I look at athletes and agents and coaches and owners and it just seems like everyone is in it for the money and for themselves. I play sports for fun and to win and because its good exercise and because I love competition, and not for money. I wish everyone played that way.

Thanks again for messaging and hopefully I’ll hear from you soon. I think we will be meeting this Saturday at your school. Will you be there?

Have a good week,

My Insurance Solution

2009-10-21T19:03:00.007-04:00

Insurance, at its core, is based on communism. It is a collective in which each participant pays the same amount and those who need it are helped. The "lucky" participants are those who pay more than they get back, they are healthy(health insurance) and alive(life insurance). There is very little social rationale for health insurance companies to be for-profit, and for non-mutual life insurance companies. These companies' business models inherently contradict the collective rationale for actually having insurance, since they want to deny coverage for those who need it (or risk needing it in the future). Insurance companies as businesses are not failures except that their progress and success directly contradicts our societal goals of a healthy populous. It therefore becomes obvious that we need to extend this basic government services to the most vulnerable segments of society, since it is under provided by the free market.

This is not dissimilar to the extra USF charges we see on our phone bills. Those charges help pay for the rural and thus unprofitable segments of our society to have basic phone service. Phone companies would never pay $100K to extend a phone like 4 miles up a road to 1 person who would pay them $30/month, but they are required to by law, and thus we subsidize. Perhaps the solution is not a public option, but an option that does not allow for denial of coverage, that is subsidized by a small tax on everyone else. Of course, that is exactly what insurance is, everyone who’s healthy and alive subsidizing those who aren’t, so why do we need these companies at all?

To implement this, we need federal regulation with states out of the picture. 1) Competition will increase because not every insurance company is in every state. 2) Maximum premiums will be regulated, to make sure everyone can afford the insurance. 3) High risk individuals, which insurance companies would deem “unprofitable” and would likely not have insured, will be subsidized by the government to the point that the actuarial assumptions used by these companies would render them profitable to take on as customers as well.

We will not need a "new" government run health plan for the uninsured and uninsurable (a new medicare), but we'll have a regulated, outsourced, and subsidized healthcare plan, which will increase competition among insurers but also increase the pie for them to make money.

And if some people still choose not to have a phone line in their house, that’s their own damn problem.

PS - I plan on editing this numerous times before its perfect.... then maybe a NYT editorial submission...

Israel Summarized

2009-10-01T10:45:00.004-04:00

For quick reference, here are all of the parts of my trip:

Israel Part 1: I Can’t Stand El Al / Rules for Flying
Israel Part 2: Friday in Tel Aviv / Rules for Eating
Israel Part 3: Saturday in Tel Aviv / Rules for Tanning
Israel Part 4: Sunday in Tel Aviv Haifa / Rules for clothing shopping, The Fate Method
Israel Part 5: Monday in Haifa / Rules for Hangin w/Your Family:
Israel Part 6: Tuesday - Wedding / Rules for learning a New Language, Part 1
Israel Part 7: Wednesday in Ayalim / Rules for Building a Mud Hut
Israel Part 8: Thursday in Ayalim / Rules for Learning a New Language, Part 2
Israel Part 9-12: Friday - Sunday in Hefzi Ba / Flight Home

And here are the pictures:

ISRAEL PICTURES

And here is a summary of my trip, using numbers to remember:

1 – Movies I watched during 22 hours of airplane flights
2 – Times I ate pork on the first 2 days
3 – Time I upset Elana by not wanting to play with her kids constantly, or during meal time.
4 – Times I apologized unsuccessfully for not wanting to hang out with Elana and/or her kids, all the time, or during meal time.
5 – New FB friends I have from the Negev, we’ll see if any become real friends
6 – Days I went shopping (Friday, Saturday, Monday, Thursday, Friday, Sunday)
7 – Days I went to the beach or pool (excluding Desert as beach)
8 – Dinner’s, out of 9, in which I overate (Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday)
9 –Nights I drank moderately including wine on the flights (Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday)

And here are some things Atara has said really loudly so that the people she’s talking about definitely heard her:

- About an Asian woman – “Why does that woman have slanted eyes?”
- About a guy with a pony tail – “Why does that woman have a beard?”
- About a guy in a wheel chair – “Oh no! A monster!”
- About a really fat woman – “That woman is so fat!”
- About a boy in her swim class – “Daddy, that boy’s vagina looks weird.” So Daddy responds, “That’s his penis.” And Atara again, “Daddy, you don’t have a penis.”

Israel: Part 9, 10, 11 & 12

2009-09-29T23:35:00.003-04:00

Ok, I got lazy from writing all of these posts and I’m going to condense them into one… Hopefully this won’t be too painful for all of you.

Part 9: Friday (Hefzi Ba):

Friday morning, after breakfast, Lori, Elana and I ditched the rest of our family and went shopping at the mall in Afula. I purchased a few things, including a shirt I had just purchased in a different color in Haifa. (I decided to give the first one to my dad). We got some chocolates at the supermarket, which, a month later, I still haven’t delivered to everyone I purchased for. I searched for a few things for my DJ, and her sister, and Gillian but couldn’t find anything but postcards. The kiddies went to play with the horses, and went to the kangaroo zoo. There are only two kosher McDonalds’ in Israel, and one happens to be 15 minutes from my aunt’s kibbutz in Bet Shean. Thus, stopping there for the kosher people is necessary every time we go, though it really isn’t anything special. We hit Kosher McDonalds after shopping, while Mr. Horsham and I texted to meet there at the same time. D&D had ditched the family (similar to my ditching) for Thursday to enjoy a day at a lil B&B or something like that. At McDonalds, dad and Karen were there w/the kiddies, had just finished eating, and thus took our chocolate so it wouldn’t melt in the car. Back at the kibbutz, we headed up to the pool for a quick swim before sunset. Eli cooked excellent dinner which I apparently criticized by putting salt on the potatoes. I won’t do that again. Dinner was followed by chillin on the back porch, with some after dinner drinks and cigars.

Part 10: Saturday (Hefzi Ba):

Saturday morning, after breakfast, we walked to the cow farm and watched the machines work their magic. Atara and Lilah, scared as hell as first, eventually got comfortable with the machines, and the animals, though I don’t know how anyone could get comfortable with the smell. My grandfather (Saba), and his girlfriend came to the kibbutz for the day to hang out with all of us one lsat time before heading back to NY on Sunday. We all ate lunch together, but after lunch, something strange happened. I was sitting on the couch, listening to 4 simultaneous conversations go on with 10 people all around me, and all of a sudden, I’m sleeping. My mouth is apparently so wide open that my siblings are contemplating filling it with some sort of garbage or food. An hour passes without me waking once before everyone’s getting ready to head back up to the pool. We swim for an hour and I make it the full length under water. I don’t know why, but considering A) I don’t swim often at all, and B) I don’t old my breath often at all, this is one of the highlights of the trip for me. Saba and his lady go home and the rest of the family (Lori, Maureen, My Aunt & Uncle, My Parents, My Sisters and the 2 kids) all go to dinner at the Fish Restaurant on the Kibbutz. I have chicken.

Part 11: Sunday (Hefzi Ba/Afula/Driving):

My parents’ flight is at 3pm but ours isn’t until 8pm so we split with them, take 2 cars and the “kids” head back to Afula for shopping and whatnot. I’m pseudo “Ariel” today as he went back to the states Tuesday night because he had a 9am class to teach Wednesday morning. First, we all go to the restaurant Maureen works at (Vanill) for a little lunch snack and then D&D split to head to Tel Aviv for a little shopping. Instead of shopping there, they north of the city, saving time and avoiding traffic. Elana & I go into downtown Afula with the kids to do some window shopping and hopefully, 4 hours before our flight, find something for the DJ, her sister, and Gillian. An hour later, after one last stop and ice cream for the kiddies, I’ve got everything I need and Elana’s got a hat. We drive to Ariel’s Aunt & Uncle’s place just outside the airport to drop off the cell phone we borrowed and try to fill the car with gas in the area. We had more problems filling the car than I could have imagined. Apparently, my credit cards only allowed for 200 shekels ($50) of gas max per card for the whole trip. So I ended up using 3 different cards while away, and had to call customer service to verify charges when I landed.

Part 12: Sunday Night (Flight home):

It’s amazing how much easier it was getting through security with 6 young people including 2 toddlers vs. going alone. They didn’t even ask if we had accepted packages from other and if we had packed our bags ourselves. The strangest thing about an 11 hour flight home that takes off at 8pm is that you’re on a night flight, but you land and it’s still night for 6 more hours. To illustrate, we take off at 8pm, its dark, we fly 11 hours and 7 time zones so its midnight when we land in NYC. Then the sun rises 6 hours later. I’m so glad I don’t live in Norway during the winter because I couldn’t hand 17 hours of darkness in a day, that’s way too much. We had 6 seats together, 2 rows of 3, but the kids were fine, and the flight went well. We played some cards, we watched some movies, I finished Pablo, and we discussed who would commit suicide first if the plane crashed; my rents or Ariel. Don’t worry, we knocked on wood (as I’m also doing right now). I also slept a little because my awesome baby sister gave me the window seat for 4 hours. Thanks Panhead.

Final thoughts tomorrow…

Israel: Part 8

2009-09-26T16:58:00.006-04:00

Thursday (Ayalim / Hefzi Ba):

We woke up at 5:30 am as light was just peeking above the horizon and the sun wasn’t anywhere near coming up. The morning was chilly and I lay in my sleeping bag for 10 minutes checking my emails/texts and responding to those messages. To my surprise, my friends started responding promptly and I realized that it was only 10:30pm in NY, and they were still hours from going to bed. At breakfast a 9 year old girl asked me something unrecognizable in Hebrew and I responded by saying that I don’t speak Hebrew, in Hebrew, using the feminine version. The little girl started laughing at me and publicly humiliated me in front of everyone. I mean, if I’m going to say “I don’t speak Hebrew,” in Hebrew, I think it’s ok if I screw it up. I told her to go fuck herself, but said it w/a smile so she had no idea what I was saying. All of the other people in Ayalim were horrified. Yes, I was shown up by a 9 year old. (and yes, I’m joking about “go fuck yourself”)

Being that this was the last day, everyone slowly started in the morning and I took pictures of the sunrise over the desert and made Tsruya take a picture of me w/my hands covered in mud. It’s not surprising that for the 2 days I’m away from camera crazy family, mine is charging at Lori’s apartment. Therefore, all pictures were on my phone. There was another 15 minute speech at 6am, and I didn't even bother asking for a translation, though I think all of the non generic jobs (like water girl and molding) were assigned. We worked in mud till 9, paused for 30 minutes to wash our hands and have some more food, then worked till 12:30 before eating lunch. The 9 year old and I made up, because I like kids that aren’t mine, and we played in the mud together during the day. Some of the kids showered, some packed, and all of us waited for at least 45 minutes before the bus to Beer Sheba came. While the bus ride was only 30 minutes, I slept for 29. Everyone made their way to another bus, or to a cab, or to a train, or to hitchhike the rest of the way home for Shabbat. They were exhausted, drained, tired, sick of being dirty, and wanted to relax. You can imagine their surprise when I stood before the group and asked “Where’s the mall, I gotta do some shopping!” Lori was meeting me at the mall before we drove 2 hours north to Hefzi Ba, and while I waited, I had some french fries and ice cream...fantastic.

Lori and I stopped at Barbi’s friends’ house to drop off a gift for their new kid. I called ahead and the husband answered, told us the address in Beer Sheba, but his wife hadn’t told him to expect us, so he was a bit confused. He lived on Ben Yehuda, a somewhat obscure street in Beer Sheba but a big street in Jerusalem and Tel Aviv. When I said I knew where it was, he figured I was in the wrong city. He was surprised when rang his doorbell 10 minutes later. He was very surprised when he and Lori recognized each other from classes. We got to see their cute newborn kid and they gave us some pictures to bring back to Barbi. We arrived back at Hefzi Ba just as everyone was leaving to go to Afula for dinner. Golani falafel of course. My family single handily supports this place for a month during the few days we are in Israel. I always support the pizza place next door. After dinner, we got home and passed out, quite dehydrated.

Rules to Learning a New Language Part 2: So You Don’t Get Teased by a Nine Year Old: (I know I did this already, but I'm going to reiterate so everyone understands these rules. On both days my shortcomings were exploited and became apparent, so I'm writing it again. Bite me if you're upset). Start learning before you turn 6 and keep going until you are 10. Since you can’t make those decisions on your own, I blame my parents for my lack of bilingual abilities. Somehow, my grandfather speaks 7 languages without much problem, I guess that language learning isn’t genetic. I’ve decided that my best bet is to learn vocabulary and try to understand. I don’t need to learn to read well, or write, or speak even (you can always respond in English). Thus, if I learn the vocabulary, I can understand and respond in English. Who wants to conjugate verbs, put words in the right order, and figure out what gender to use for adjectives and nouns and adverbs. That’s my plan and I’ve got the Rosetta Stone DVD’s to help. I may as well use them. (Actually, I have all 27 languages of Rosetta Stone on DVD, if anyone wants to borrow)

Israel: Part 7

2009-09-25T10:40:00.007-04:00

Wednesday (Ayalim):

Four hours after passing out, Lori and I wake up at 6:30am. She’s going to work, her last day of work, while I’m heading to Ayalim. I have no clue where it is, or where to go when I get there, but I do have a phone number to call. Luckily, and somewhat miraculously, Lori knows exactly where to go, and when I get there, I call the number, and someone calls another number, and someone walks out of a trailer to greet me. Danny introduces me to a few people, puts my stuff in a room, and asks if I’m ready to begin. He introduces me to Omer, whose arms are covered in mud and say’s I’ll be working with him through lunch. Omer sticks out his hand to shake mine, I pause briefly and say to myself “GAME ON” and grab his mud covered hand in a firm shake. For the next 2 hours, I’m dunking my hands into buckets of mud, and plastering mud mixture 2 onto an outer wall with Omer, Liat and Michal. The purpose of Ayalim is to gentrify the unused land, building houses for people who don’t have any, and also providing housing and scholarships for students who need them. The students build these houses while at school and there are Ayalim campuses all over Israel. At this time, since school had not started, all of the volunteers were at this one location. We were building a large mud building for birthright and other volunteers to come and help out for a few days at a time. I thanked g-d at 9am when breakfast was called because I hadn’t eaten, knew these kids had, and was thinking that I wouldn’t eat until 1pm. After breakfast I met Mor, the water fascist, who pretty much made sure all 70 kids stayed hydrated. Michal, Liat and I moved inside to keep cooler and start a new “wall” project. I spoke English with them to keep from their extreme boredom. Apparently, when you’ve been playing in mud for 5 days, as they had, you create a considerable amount of inside jokes that weren’t really funny to outsiders. I filled the time with stories about my rules, stories about how sarcasm has a tough time overcoming language barriers and of course, WHAT I WAS ACTUALLY DOING THERE. "Where are you from? How did you hear about Ayalim? Are you a student? How long are you in Israel for?" I must have gotten these questions 20 times during my two days at Ayalim. The answer to “Where are you from?” started as “I’m from New York” and changed to “New York City” before finally morphing into “Manhattan.” The biggest shock to most was when I said I was in Israel until Sunday… they at least expected I was there for a few months if I was doing something like playing in mud.

Lunch was surprisingly good, with pita and breads and lunch meats and humus. Unfortunately, as much as they push drinks on you during the day, there was almost nothing to drink during meal times. At lunch, I discovered that there were 2 groups of people at Ayalim, half were kids who just graduated HS and wanted to take a year off volunteering before they entered the army, and half were students in college, who’d finished the army and were volunteering so that Ayalim would pay for their educations. I was the only person who wasn’t in either of these two groups, and I was 3 years older than the older kids. The “teens” slept in the “tent” which was a tennis court sized mud hut w/canvas walls and a straw roof, while the rest were scattered around in various sleeping arrangements, including platforms with no coverings at all. This is where I chose to sleep, under the stars and armed with only a sleeping bag my aunt gave me. While this would seem to be a tough decision, after lunch every day the kids were given a break from working until 4pm, so that no one was in the dessert sun when it was hottest, and I ventured into the kids tent to read. It was a bit of a mad house w/music and smoking and silliness and I realized quite quickly that I didn’t really fit in there. I was ready to get back to work well before our “nap time” was over because A) I started 2 hours after everyone else and B) I had not been there for 4 days. Considering my finger nails were absolutely destroyed by small pieces of straw pushing under them a little further each time I dug my hand into the mud bucket (I wish I had a picture), I was looking for a way out of mudwork in the afternoon. Luckily, one of the older guys pulled me aside and we built window sills in most of the windows of the mud building. I was much better at woodwork and construction than mudwork, so I ditched the ladies and spent the evening building a coffin sized container with double doors for storage.

Dinner was yummy as well, and after scrubbing my hands for 15 minutes, and showering in an outdoor shower of sorts, I had hot dogs and chicken and humus and pita (but no dessert). The founder of Ayalim, who every girl swooned over, gave his second 15 minute speech of the day. When I asked someone to translate for me, she said “we’re up at 5:15 for 5:30 breakfast and done at 1. There will be a bus then to take us to Beer Sheba.” Somehow, in 13 seconds, she translated 15 minutes of talk. I learned later that much of it was political about populating the land and crap like that. Of course, I had to pretend like I was listening (This is a skill I have yet to master). After dinner, since there really weren’t lights in the whole complex, we hung out in our respective platforms where everyone checked Facebook from my blackberry, and went to bed around 11.

Rules for Building a Mud Hut: After the wood frame is completed, start with hay bales for the walls, stacked one on top of the other and cover them with mud mixture 1 (a sloppy mud that will fill into the hay bales pretty easily, filling the cracks. To make this mud, you need to sift through drums filled w/mud (and water to keep it wets) so that there are no rocks in the mud and bring it to the mud mixers. The mud mixers make the mud solutions when these buckets of mud are pored into their bins and they mix it all up with their feet. When that dries, you move to mud solution 2, which is heavier and thicker and has straw mixed into it. Don’t forget to wet mixture 1 before you apply 2 so they stick together. As you finish an area, put a light coating of water on it and smooth the mud. This will show you the areas you missed, will make the wall look nicer, and the next layer will stick better. HERE is part of the wall I worked on (top half), after mud solution 2 was applied. I didn't stick around for mud solution 3, but I'm sure it was fantastic.

Israel Part 6 (but really part 5)

2009-09-23T11:39:00.004-04:00

I skipped a day... going backwards and posting...

Monday (Haifa):
We woke up Monday and all traveled to Haifa’s beach, including my grandfather. Took 2 cars and spent 15 minutes trying to find eachother down there. I’d done so much beaching already, I didn’t even bother putting on my bathing suit. After a few hours, which were spent reading, we went to the mall for lunch and shopping. I spent more money shopping for clothes at the mall than I had in the 1.5 years in the states since the last time I was in Israel. There was a nap, there was dinner at the kosher Chinese restaurant in the hotel lobby, and there was another bday celebration for my mom. Luckily, we didn’t have to reread our “S my name is Sherry” poem again, but I did overeat again. Maureen, Eli and Karen joined as did Ruthy and Itzik. The kids all played ginasta in the lobby afterwards and Steiny stayed up until 4:30 am in order to watch the first half of the Ravens vs Jets PRESEASON GAME. I was going to join him, but then I found out the game started at 3 instead of the original 2am time.

Rules for hanging out with your family: Deep breaths. Wait for all options to be discussed and vetted by everyone, and then respond with which of them you’d like to do. Solve their problems with logistics only if you’ve been listening from the beginning to the end of the conversation and are 100% sure your idea will work. As corny as your dad’s jokes with the waitress are, let him enjoy them, and enjoy the fact that the language barrier makes her unable to understand them. As annoying as your mother’s questions about things you can answer are asked to the wrong people are, let her ask them, there’s a slight chance the random taxi driver does know the train schedule. When your sister is playing dumb after you asked a simple question, just respond with simple answers. (think Passover’s 4 sons). And lastly, when your other sister berates you publicly for not wanting to spend every minute w/your nieces, especially during meals, just apologize.

Israel: Part 5

2009-09-22T21:40:00.004-04:00

Tuesday (The Wedding):

Not that I had anything I wanted to do, besides sit and relax and avoid the August heat, but it really is nice to get away from the family sometimes. With my family, we spent so much time figuring out what to do, and how the logistics will work, that it seems like we don’t do very much. We’re almost too big. While with Elana, she mentioned that when it was just her and Ariel and the kids for the first 3 days of the trip, it was actually easier and less stressful than when she got “help.” I’m not surprised. I yearned for Wednesday and Thursday when I’d have a break from the family. Of course, since I had no idea what I’d be doing, I was pretty damn scared. To build on that point, 2 days before I was to arrive at Ayalim for 2 days of “construction,” I received an email “You don’t need to bring anything, just show up when you can. We wake and start working at 6am. Bring a sleeping bag.” Glad they told me about that last bit 2 days ahead of time.

I took the train to Bet Yehoshua to meet Nadine for the day. She lives in Netanya and is my cousin’s cousin, but I guess we became friends 5 years ago. We went to lunch and then to Poleg beach, which is supposedly one of the nicest beaches in Israel. I really can’t contradict that statement. We didn’t take any pictures, which is likely because the last 5 times we’ve hung out (mostly in NY when she’s on vacation) it’s always for lunch during the day. After the beach I took the train to Tel Aviv, and then a cab to Savion, where my family had driven and were staying for the next 2 days. The Wedding, 2 hours later, was fantastic. However, we did get “lost” on the way there, to the point that we took the same circle 4 times. There were close to 700 people, in all types of formal wear. Some people were wearing jeans, some were wearing shorts, some were dressed up. The bride was in a white gown while the groom was wearing a suit. The wedding didn’t fit to any sort American customs, but was focused on having fun. This means, there was tons of dancing, and music and happiness. The bride and groom where danced up and down the isle by their friends and a drummer and shofar blower, and during the festivities that followed, they seemed to do what they wanted to do, which meant a lot more dancing and drinking! With 700 people, you’re not going to waste your time thanking everyone or talking to everyone.

Unfortunately, I was forced to sit through two, 5 minute speeches and two 8 minute videos where I had no idea what was going on. I gotta learn this language already! After doing shots and dancing for a few hours, Lori and I left around 1am to head to Beer Sheba, where she lives. I must have explained to 15 people that I wouldn’t be at dinner the following night w/the rest of my family because I’d be volunteering…though I wasn’t exactly sure what I’d be doing.

Rules for Learning a New Language Part 1: Do it while you are 3-6 years old or don't do it at all. It's freaking impossible now that I'm 29. My grandfather somehow knows 7 languages, and I'm stuck with 1.5, ascribing a 0.35 to my spanish and a 0.15 to my Hebrew. Actually, I'm probably a 1.3, with 0.25 and 0.05 respectively. I have taken the courses, I have the Rosetta Stone DVD’s, but nothing sinks in for more than a few hours. I’m thinking that I just want to learn vocabulary words so I know what people are talking about. I'll respond in English and I can stop trying to learn how to put the words the right order, or conjugate them, or make the masculine noun match with the masculine adjective, match with the masculine verb or whatever.

Israel: Part 4

2009-09-21T21:26:00.003-04:00

Sunday (Tel Aviv/Haifa):

Sunday morning Elana, Ariel and the nieces show up at breakfast. They’d been celebrating Shabbat just outside of Tel Aviv, and had been in Israel for almost a week already. They head to the beach for an hour while I go “shopping” for an hour in the port. While I found some things I liked, the “Fate Method” for shopping yielded no results, and thus I walked back to the beach empty handed. Ariel, my mom and I all jumped into a cab to the train station while my sister prepared to drive to Haifa. Five minutes into our journey we are heading back to the hotel to give Elana the car keys. OOPS. The train ride was so easy and peaceful and cheap compared to NJ transit/LIRR, that I was surprised more Israeli’s didn’t use the train system (or even know how). While I tried to read Pablo, my mom kept interrupting me, Ariel, and the flow of normal conversation in general with observations about the people on the train, or things outside the train “Look, Cows!” The train, followed by another cab ride, got us up to Haifa 10 minutes slower than driving. Considering how expensive gasoline is in Israel, it was likely cheaper. You may ask why we didn’t have a second car? Well, Daniella and Steiny were arriving at 5pm and were picking up our 2nd car. Is there a better idea than making people who just got off an airplane after a 10 hour flight, drive an hour in a country they hardly know the language?

Once in Haifa, we were told that at 5pm, we’d be meeting Shalom Steger, my 94 year old grandfather’s 99 year old uncle. Little did we know that they reserved a room, and that Shalom was bringing his son and 3 of his son’s 4 kids, who were all around mine and my sisters’ ages. All STEGER’s!?! Who knew there were so many! I kinda wished they were all old people, so I wouldn’t be forced to socialize, but after 10 minutes the awkwardness wore off and it was actually a really nice couple hours. We talked about nothing, and anytime we wanted to escape a conversation, we would play w/the girls. Dinner was at the hotel lobby’s dairy restaurant, which is right next door to the kosher Chinese restaurant (where we had dinner on Monday). Daniella and David showed up just as we started eating and afterwards we took a walk around the Carmel for an hour before going to bed.

Remote Adventures: My room’s TV remote was missing so I spent an hour asking for help from the front desk and staff, before sitting on my bed, thinking hard, and then looking under my bed exactly where the remote was hidden. It was as if I’d had a revelation, and I knew exactly where it was and why the cleaning staff didn’t find it and put it on the bedside table. If I believed in g-d, I would claim it as proof of his existence. However, I don’t believe it g-d, and thus, I’ll blame my mother’s detective teachings and skills on my ability to find the remote.

Rules for clothing shopping, AKA The Fate Method: You walk into a store and have exactly 60 seconds to walk around. If nothing stands out at you or strikes you as instantly appealing, then you leave. If you do see something that catches your eye, it must be fate, and thus, if it fits, you should probably buy it. The fate method makes shopping quick, and applies to normal sized apparel stores.

Israel: Part 3

2009-09-20T18:44:00.002-04:00

Saturday (Tel Aviv):

Hit the beach with Lori and Pablo (LINK) from 10:30 to 2:30. We were under the umbrella the whole time except while in the water. Unfortunately for my skin, we were in the water for about an hour, and I definitely got burned. The water was like a bath, it had to be over 80 degrees…and Tel Aviv, had to be around 94. We had lunch at 3pm together and then headed to the rooftop pool of our hotel to relax and hang out w/our parents. Around 6, Lori headed back to Beer Sheba and at 8, the rest of the family went to dinner w/o me. A) I wasn’t hungry b/c of the late lunch and B) Nadav was picking me up to hit a bar/club called Galina in the port. The kid treats me like royalty whenever I’m in Israel…he’s way over the top friendly…I’m not sure if it’s b/c he likes me or b/c over the last 7 years, he’s spent over a month in my apt in NYC…and would like that service to continue. I wore my newish multicolored white washed shirt so that if I did sweat from the heat or my new sunburn, it wouldn’t be noticeable. By the time we got there, Galina was pack, a line out there door where girls were having a problem getting in. Nadav waves at a few of the bouncers and in we go. We drank till 1ish with a few of his friends, talking about the 40 years since Woodstock party that they’d be throwing the following weekend. Seeing the way Nadav was looking at and talking to a few of the girls, I was forced to ask him if they were ex girlfriends or "future" ex girlfriends. I'm pretty sure he's using that terminology weekly. Rotem, Nadav’s friend who wasn’t at the bar gives us a ride to Dixie, for the best burgers in town. The wings and potatoes were amazing too; Sweet and spicy. Of course, I had bacon! Home at 3am, or 8pm east coast time… I guess I don’t need to worry about adjusting to foreign time on a Saturday night.

Rules for Tanning: Cover your chest at all times and put 60 SPF on your back and neck while ignoring everything else. My arms? My legs? HA! They never burn no matter how much they are in the sun. BUT, for some reason, my chest/shoulders/back burn easily. My legs are dark, my torso has a terrible farmers tan. Part of this is due to live, but considering that I sit behind a desk all day, there’s no legitimate reason why my legs are dark in the winter. I usually just tell people my grandma’s black.

Israel: Part 2

2009-09-19T18:34:00.004-04:00

Friday (Tel Aviv):

I landed in the airport and 2 minutes after, Lori calls asking if I’ve arrived. We take the train into Tel Aviv and walk around the port for a few hours, getting ice cream and crepes. I’m soaking wet from sweat. It’s not miserably hot, but I can’t stop sweating! Picture Attached. I showered and napped, but made sure it was only 30 minutes. While I could have slept for hours, if I had, I wouldn’t have been able to go to bed till 3am at least. We walked to dinner at Tamara, 45 minutes away and spent 5 minutes in the bathroom cleaning off the sweat. Pork Ribs, Yummy. Bed at 12:30, no problems.

Rules for eating: I love swine.

Israel: Part 1

2009-09-18T10:36:00.003-04:00

I went to Israel last week for 9 days for Naama and Itamar’s wedding, to spend time with the family, my grandfather and cousins, and to work the land for 2 days with Ayalim. I’ve also included various new “rules” along the way. As always, I’ll try to keep the “I did this, I did that” to a minimum, and HERE ARE THE PICTURES.

It's been almost a month since I left for Israel, and that's just way too long to wait for posting purposes. I'm half way done with finishing up, but its really long, and so I'm just going to start posting parts of it daily, in the hope that I'll finish the end before I need to post the end. Also, this will make all my readers have to read upwards, to stay in the right order, which is annoying and thus fun.

Part 1:

I can’t stand EL AL:

Security: “Tell me something else. Tell me something else.” This is what Roni, my security checker kept saying to me over and over again before asking me obscure questions. What is my grandfather’s name? Do I go to a Temple in NY? What are the names of the parents of the bride? How can you visit your cousin at school in Beersheba if school isn’t in session? These questions went on for 15 minutes, literally. Of course, I got my grandfathers name wrong, oops! Coming home was so much easier. You’re def less of a suspect when you’re traveling w/6 people and 2 kids vs going alone.

Kids: Once through security, I emailed my BIL to tell him A) stay left at security, B) there’s no good food after security, C) There’s no shoe shine guy either and D) ask if I should I buy the Time Traveler’s Wife. Both My DJ and BIL have the book, so I didn’t buy it. I got on the plane and prayed for no kids in my row. If you’re flying a religious airline, you may as well try praying. Going to Israel, I ended up next to two 18 year olds, a boy and girl w/weird names. I drugged the girl w/Ambien but it didn’t work, she said she didn’t sleep. Coming home, it was my siblings, but the plane was packed with kids. Kicking, screaming, coughing . . . it was a jungle out there.

Food service: We left at 9pm but somehow dinner wasn’t served to my area until nearly midnight. Like most airlines, EL AL serves the “special” meals first. I prefer to call these the difficult meals, because the people who order them are just being difficult. This is especially true on EL AL, where most of the “difficult” meals are getting Glatt Kosher meals. EL AL already serves kosher food, but these people want extra kosher food. Do you know the difference between kosher and glatt kosher in Israel? The answer is who paid off the right Rabbi. It’s all mafia and politics. Anyway, these people, who are being difficult, get their food first. They’re done eating, and b/c they are difficult people, they are bringing up their trays to the stewards while those stewards are still trying to serve the non difficult people their food. Do you know how frustrating it is to sit and wait for food when other people are done eating? EL AL needs to serve the “Glatt Kosheries” second. I wonder how many would switch to the normal “kosher” meal.

Movies: Just a terrible selection. The one movie I actually wanted to see was Wolverine, and the flight landed during the 2nd half of the movie! 22 hours on planes, I only watched 1.5 movies.

Jewish People in General (this is a generalization): We’re needy. We ask questions. We’re antsy. We stand around on the plane for no reason and barely move out the way when someone is passing. I don’t think I’ve ever seen so many people squeeze past a food cart before. When there’s food service, sit down! When people are sleeping, don’t talk! And when everyone else is asking questions, why are you asking a stupid question too? I feel like this frustration translates into my family’s culture as well sometimes. We board full flights and ask for an upgrade.
Religious People in General: They have 2 parents and 6 kids. They have kids pushing other kids in strollers. They are bumping into people. They think they are better than everyone else. They have no idea that every time they ask a question to a stewardess, while its only 30 seconds, its 30 more seconds that I have to wait for my food! When 20 of them do it, that’s 10 minutes.

Rules for flying on an overnight flight: Take AMBIEN. Why stay up or toss and turn for an 11 hour flight when you can guarantee 4 hours will pass by with the snap of a finger? You don’t sleep with Ambien, you are unconscious. You blink, and you’re there. Of course, this isn’t recommended if you cant’ guarantee yourself 4 hours of time to sleep. Additionally, for the 30min to 1 hour after you wake, you will function perfectly normally, but you won’t really remember much of it. Do you think I remember what was in the breakfast meal they woke me up for? Not a chance!

Thinking S Is for Sherry’s Birthday

2009-09-13T22:01:00.003-04:00

I think my mom gave one request for her 60th birthday. “I don’t want to plan anything.”

I think, of course, she became deeply involved in the EVITE, the location, the guest list, the menu, and the actual date.

When it came down to finally making decisions I think the 5 “kids” just decided to take control and do it all ourselves.

I think we ended up having a Carmines catered dinner party at my rents apartment for 30ish friends and family.

During the party, I think my mom’s job was to enjoy herself and stay out of the kitchen while I think the “kids” controlled the flow of drinks, and food, and the party in general. We added humas and pitas and veggies and dips to the Carmines and of course, sprinkled some of my mom’s favorite things into the mix.

I think most of those things, surrounded desserts including wet walnuts and City Bakery hot chocolate.

I think, toward the end, the kids put on a skit and Miss Kathy gave a heartfelt speech.

I think this is what the kids said:

S my name is Sherry

A my name is Ariel, and I hold a Ph.D; You’re my favorite sitter, cause you don’t charge any fee.

B my name is Ben, and I’m the awkward middle boy; Because you asked so nicely, I will not marry a goy.

C my name’s Camp Modin, with memories you can’t erase; My biggest claim to fame, is as the Stolpiro birthplace.

D my name’s Daniella, and you know I’m not a bore; Though I’m always very busy, I will try to call you more.

E my name’s Elana, and I have two little girls; You used to want to hang with me, but now they’re your whole world.

F my name’s Atara Fishman and I give Grandma joy; Every time we hug and kiss, she gives me a new toy.

G my name’s ginasta, Susan’s game she made you try; If you want that next discard, you must yell out “May I.”

H my name’s hot chocolate, City Bakery’s where I’m found; You best ask Sherry for a sip, before she has me downed.

I my name is ice cream, and with me you are no klutz; You know I’m best when topped, with your favorite wet walnuts.

J my name is jokes, and I arrive in your e-mails; Sherry prints me out, to remember the details.

K my name is keeping the books, and you kept me straight for years; Doron sold your job away, I’m sure that brings no tears.

L my name is Lilah F., and though I can’t yet speak; My mom would really love Grandma, to watch me for a week.

M my name is Marcy, and I’m the family hub; You love to eat with me, at the Crestmont Country Club.

N is my name is Nissin, and I cut Sherry’s hair; I come from Eastern Europe, but I don’t know exactly where.

O my name is old food, and Sherry likes to eat me; she always cuts away the mold, before her guests can see.

P my name is Passover, and for me you have a seder; You cook so much delicious food, we eat it now and later.

Q my name is Queen, cause Malcah is your middle name; Though you are not royalty, you should be treated just the same.

R my name is rescue squad, and Sherry saves lives in heaps; She always comes a runnin’, when she hears the walkie beeps.

S my name is Steiny, and I’m the son-in-law; I married your baby child, and I come from Baltimaw.

T I’m your TA Doron, and many girls I did amaze; You weren’t very good in class, but somehow you got all A’s.

U your name is Sherry, a dessert wine or a song; This poem is almost over, we know it has been quite long.

V my name is value, which Sherry can always find; Sherry’s favorite motto is, “leave no coupon behind”

W my name is walks, and Sherry takes me everywhere; Doron does it for exercise, Sherry to save cab fare.

X my name is Ixtapan, I started with Grandma; Massages, food and swimming, I’ve become the family spa.

Y my name is young, and I’m Sherry’s fun persona; I laugh, I play, I’m silly all day, I dance to my Sharona.

Z is Ze end of the poem, thanks for listening to this noise; We love you Sherry Steger, from favorite girls and boys.

Fashion Experts

2009-09-09T10:48:00.010-04:00

I met the Hurricane in November, her friends in January, the DJ in May/June and now I've got a whole new group of friends who I talk to daily. This group is composed of fashionistas... All of them dress well. Some of them work in the industry. All of them study the trends. Some of them write articles about types of clothing I didn't know existed.

As for me, categorizing my fashion sense as dense, could be considered a complement. That doesn't stop me from having strong opinions. As all you kids know, I try to have strong opinions on everything. Three months ago, I created a T-shirt called "leggings are not pants," (shown below). Everytime I wear it (3x now), it's created a bit of stir, a ton of conversation, and somehow made me an expert in the field of "what actually looks good." Glitter, took my shirt and wrote an article on it, interviewing me in the process. HERE IS THE ARTICLE.

I've referenced my guy rules of fashion before, but I don't think I've ever listed them. Now is as good a time as any.

Ben's Fashion Manifesto:

(Aka, Ben's rules for guys, so they don't look bad & stupid. The goal isn't to look good, its to avoid looking bad. Some of these things can look good, but not on everyone.)

1. No exposed belt loops. If you tuck your shirt in, wear a belt.

2. If you are wearing a belt, make it match your shoes. Very simple matching includes Brown belt with Brown shoes and Black with anything else.

3. Make your socks match your shoes. Black with Black, White w/Sneakers, Other clolors w/Brown. No Yellow, Red, Orange, or Light blues or greens or purples.

4. If you're wearing shorts, and sneakers, athletic low cut white socks.

5. Don't show your undershirt. If you are going to wear one, make it a V, make it invisible.

6. If oversweating isn't an issue, wear an undershirt to work, but not at other times.

7. No blue shirts w/jeans. Blue and Blue is for cowboys.

8. No white pants. You're a guy, you don't wear white.

9. Make sure your pants/shorts or shirt are a solid. At least one of the two. If you want to wear plaid shorts, your shirt should be solid. If you want stripped shirt, pants have to be jeans or a solid.

10. No pink shirts. Pink shirts only look good on males of African descent.

11. If your sleeves don't reach your wrist, roll them up.

12. Chains are trashy.

13. Tank tops are trashy.

14. Shirts with embroidering are risky.

15. Don't wear shorts to a strip club, its cold...and nasty.

Of course, these rules contradict the "everything's fine in 09" and the "renegotiating my life" matra I spoke about in my last posting. This is all about mitigating risk to avoid disasters.

Away

2009-09-08T14:21:00.001-04:00

I've been away for 15 of the last 18 days... new stories coming I assure you. Israel, Denver, Mom's 60th, My wife... all will be discussed in excruciating detail.

Renegotiating My Life

2009-08-17T21:21:00.000-04:00

In any negotiation, you have to be willing to lose big, in order to win big.

This theory was discussed for hours with friends the other day. I'm starting to think, I need to follow this mantra more...and take more risks. Everything's fine in '09 has been life altering to my eating habits, and to my activity schedule (I never get home before 11pm any night). However, my risk taking has always been minimal. Maybe its part of my middle child syndrome.

My theory: Take the less controversial road, cut your losses, and be mostly satisfied. I never really win, I never really lose, it's a real, internal, negotiation. Here are some examples.

1) I was walking to pick up my friend before dinner on a hot muggy NYC day when I noticed my shirt was spotting w/sweat. I must be out of shape, or maybe it was 100 degrees, or maybe I shouldn't be wearing pants and shoes that don't breathe when planning to walk 15 blocks in the summer. Either way, I had a dilemma....and 3 likely scenarios/choices.

A) I pretend like my sweat stains aren't there. If she doesn't notice and I get away with it great. However...

B) I pretend like my sweat stains aren't there and she does notice. She is disgusted and wondering if I'm just a smelly sweaty person all the time. She is grossed out. The only other option is...

C) I tell her about my sweat stains almost immediately, play it off lightheartedly about how embarrassed I am, and say how she makes me nervous, or say the AC on the subway wasn't working or that I bumped into an ex on the way over. This guarantees she notices, but also guarantees she doesn't think I'm some seriously gross guy. This way, I can shift the attention in the direction I see fit, toward my sense of humor, and away from my sweat stains.

Of course, being the "risk" taker I am, I opted for option C.

2) Last night I was at a bar for a friends bday party when OCD showed up w/the new boy she was dating. When I looked at him, he looked pretty familiar, and when he said his name, I was 99% sure, I knew exactly who he was. We'd been friends in 3rd and 4th grade, had gone skiing together every Saturday those winters, and he'd pretty much almost killed me (have a big scar on my head from 7 stitches from a ski to the head). Obviously, there were 2 options:

I) I could mention that we used to be.

II) I could not mention anything.

And there were 3 scenarios:

A) We have a great time catching up, we get along famously, and OCD likes him even more. The drinks keep coming, the stories about my head cracking open are hilarious, and we all live happily ever after.

B) We catch up for 5 minutes awkwardly. Her friend didn't say anything initially, so may be he doesn't recognize me at all, and/or doesn't remember me. Of course, maybe its not even him! Attention is devoted away from normal conversation and OCD has to discuss me for the rest of the evening, ruining her 3rd date.

C) I don't mention my connection w/her date, and we all have a lovely evening. If there convo were to slow, I'd go over and try to spice it up. But they were doing fine on their own, why interject myself to heavily into their 3rd date conversation.

Obviously, I chose the 3rd option.

If there were a fight on the street, or a problem at a job... I wonder if I'd "A" with the "B" consequence, of if I'd just "C" and take the non confrontational path.

I may be time to start "A"ing.

Turning 30, The Plan

2009-08-09T18:57:00.002-04:00

My friend Jim turned 30 yesterday. This was his GF's email to those invited to his party. I thought it was phenomenal...and also explained what she had to put up w/during those last few days.

Fool-Proof Plan to "TURNING 30 & LOVING IT"

Background: In an effort to gracefully enter the fourth decade of his life and avoid any anxiety or negativity sometimes associated with the big three-oh, Jim decided 6 months ago to institute his fool-proof plan.

Strategy: Assume you are already 30 and tell anyone who asks that you are 30 so that when you are ACTUALLY 30 it will feel as if nothing's changed. Leading up to your birthday, don't discuss it often and if someone asks what you're doing to celebrate, make sure you have some crazy trip or experience planned (Jim picked Spain) that in all reality, has nothing to do with you celebrating 30 years of life; it just makes for a great excuse to spend money and guarantees the conversation changes from "birthday plans" to "vacation plans."

WARNING: Three days before the big day, you begin to feel overwhelmed and a bit tense. You think a lot and notice yourself over analyzing trivial things more than usual. At first, you blame your sudden mood change (and loss of appetite) on "a long day at work," or being tired, but this excuse only lasts so long (especially if you have a younger significant other who is very excited to celebrate your special day). It is imperative on these three days that you get plenty of sleep, laugh a lot, and most importantly realize that it's okay to show slight vulnerability and nervousness for the day you've strategically ignored (Jim slightly cracked last night and admitted to not wanting to turn 30 and almost refused to open up an early birthday gift).

Goal: You will have successfully followed the plan if:
1. You were able maintain your composure during the critical last few days, and
2. Effortlessly accept two fundamental and interconnected perspectives: Turning 30 is huge, it's a milestone, you'll never do it again, and while you're allowed to fear it for a few days, you have to celebrate it, and celebrate it well with all the people you care about**, so that you realize that while 30 is a new age and you may have a gray hair or ten, it's nothing but a number and all about how you feel…AND JUST LIKE YOU PLANNED, it really doesn't feel any different than 3 months ago when you were telling people you were 30.

I said "I love you" Three Times

2009-07-31T14:48:00.002-04:00

This is a conversation I had w/my friend Baribie. She says so many "amazing" things I'm forced to respond w/"I love you" three times. Just an awesome conversation.

Barbie: So, I had tentative plans with bartender this past weekend but was agonizing over when to see him and how to text him and when. So I decided to wait till Friday late night to booty call him when he’s about to finish at the bar.

Meistro: I love you

Barbie: Friday morning I realize I left my charger in jersey so in the afternoon I headed down to a Verizon store near J to buy a charger.
So I pay for a used charger and suddenly guess who appears at my side, Bartender!
Looking even more gorgeous in daylight.
He grabs my arm and tells me to stay till he’s done with his phone issue
We walk to the bar together so he can open up and he tells me he will try to get out at a normal hour (before 3)
Lo and behold, he texts me at 11 to say he should get out by 2, perfect
2 am he meets me at J’s and cabs us over
We pass out by 5
5 30 am the doorbell is ringing
Nonstop
He rolls over and he’s like, “fuck my girlfriend’s here!”
I thought I was in a TV sitcom!!!! It was amazing!

Meistro: Hahaha Did you hide for the night? Climb out the window?

Barbie: no I snuck up to the second floor waited in the hall until they were both in his apt and then bolted.
He gave me money for a cab.

Meistro: How nice

Barbie: crazy!

Meistro: Did you feel cheap?

Barbie: No, I was annoyed that I was woken up at 5 am though
I knew he had someone and he’s not the only person I’m banging
So he texted me “THAT WAS INSANE LEMME KNOW U GOT HOME SAFE”
I didn’t respond till two days later and he was like, “please come over. What’s your favorite ice cream?”
So I went over Sunday night and we talked, I had a lot of questions about the girlfriend.
I was so curious. Like, what was she doing there at 5 am??? and we just kind of vegged on the couch and he gave me a foot rub and we talked for hours
It was nice.
I like getting to know the people I bang.
It makes it more interesting.

Meistro: He has a girl friend?!?! You have a job now... You don't need that anymore! :)

Barbie: yeah but it’s the best sex of my life.
I would totally do this if I had a job too.
He looks like Adonis, I’ve never been attracted to anyone like this.

Meistro: You say that every new guy.

Barbie: true, well about the sex.
But its true the sex gets better and better as we get older.
But he really is in another league.
He’s been with her on and off for 5 years. She’s the "love of his life." They broke up a year ago and he moved out, He says they absolutely cannot live together, it was disastrous. So they are trying to rebuild now but they fight a lot. It’s very passionate.

Meistro: So he has no future w her or you...

Barbie: well maybe for them
It sounds like he really cares about her.
Never thought he was dateable.
He’s too good looking to trust. He doesn’t have enough Jew in him. He’s 26
Barbie: and he’s not funny enough

Meistro: I love you

Barbie: :)
Oh, he said one funny thing.
I was saying how an affair is fun because it s secret only two of u share and he was like, “AND all of YOUR friends!”
Sigh, he knows me so well.

Meistro: Did you video the sex yet so you can remember forever. I'm sure you are not the first he’s cheated with. That's why the sex is good.

Barbie: no but we took some pics on his phone

Meistro: Haha... So he can have you forever.

Barbie: Of course I’m not the first.
I think he’s even had sex with more people than me!

Meistro: Oh boy.

Barbie: He was like, “if I join Facebook will u be my friend?” Which was weird cause he won’t let me take pics of him or tell people his name.

Meistro: Of course not.

Barbie: well and also he’s the face of his family’s company.

Meistro: Any pic of him posted will get him caught if you have mutual friends. Do you know his name!?

Barbie: yeah

Meistro: You are so in love

Barbie: I’m in lust.

Meistro: In crush.

Barbie: Totally
Sigh…

Meistro: I love you

Hipster?

2009-07-29T13:58:00.005-04:00

I got a message from the Hurricane last night advising me not to come to a party b/c it was too hipster. "This is way too hipster for u." Unsure what that even meant, I told her I resented that comment and "I can handle anything. I can dress anything." After reading the below definition that my DJ sent me, I'm thinking maybe I couldn't handle it after all. Of course, the picture at the bottom could be why she didn't stay and/or want me there.

Hipster:

Listens to bands that you have never heard of. Has hairstyle that can only be described as "complicated." (Most likely achieved by a minimum of one week not washing it.) Probably tattooed. Maybe gay. Reads Black Book, Nylon, and the Styles section of the New York Times. Drinks Pabst Blue Ribbon. Often. Complains. Always denies being a hipster. Hates the word. Probably living off parents money - and spends a great deal of it to look like they don't have any. Has friends and/or self cut hair. Dyes it frequently (black, white-blonde, etc. and until scalp bleeds). Has a closet full of clothing but usually wears same three things OVER AND OVER (most likely very tight black pants, scarf, and ironic tee-shirt). Chips off nail polish artfully after $50 manicure. Sleeps with everyone and talks about it at great volume in crowded coffee shops. Addicted to coffee, cigarettes (Parliaments, Kamel Reds, Lucky Strikes, etc.), and possibly cocaine. Claims to be in a band. Rehearsals consist of choosing outfits for next show and drinking PBR. Always on the list. Majors or majored in art, writing, or queer studies. Name-drops. May go by "Penny Lane," "Eleanor Rigby," etc. when drunk. On PBR. Which is usually.

2nd Annual MGTW (NJ Style)

2009-07-21T18:57:00.006-04:00

2nd Annual MGTW (NJ Style):

Can you think of any good reason to wake up at 6:30 AM on a Sunday besides morning sex or flying somewhere? Well… this past Sunday, I found a 3rd reason. The second annual MGTW (NJ Style)… Mini Golf Tournament Weekend. Last year’s event was split over 2 days and was played on Long island. This year… it was a one day marathon, to the death.

Steiny, Slaw, Aussie and myself got a car, and headed to NJ at 7am. At 8am, when we arrived at the first course the lot was packed… with real golfers. You could say that the staff member at the pro shop was shocked when we asked to play the empty mini golf course. You could also say that he was extremely jealous when we told him we’d be hitting up to 10 courses at 8 locations all over NJ during the day in a massive mini golf tournament (time permitting).

Here’s a picture of us bright and early at the first course:

Besides feeling like it was 100 degrees outside and each of us drinking well over a gallon of liquids, the event was relatively uneventful...regardless of my utter domination

Aussie was dominating until forced to play through injury. Somehow, he had small shards of glass on his index finger. I believe this was a sabotage job by Steiny, but I have no evidence to back this up.

We played at Monster Golf, an indoor course that was lit by ultra violet lights (picture below):

We found a pizza place that had large pies for $7.50 on Sundays. It was worth the 10 minute wait.

We saw a guy 11 put from 3 feet away, in front of his GF, and then hit a hole in one on the next hole.

Like in a cartoon, Aussie stepped on his putter while it was lying on the ground and it swung up and smacked him in the crotch. Unfortunately, I missed this.

Final Scores after 6 courses:
Meistro: 282
Slaw: 291
Steiny: 291
Aussie: 292

Courses Won:
Aussie: 3
Meistro: 2
Steiny: 2

Holes in One:
Steiny: 9
Aussie: 8
Meistro: 8
Slaw: 6

Though I had to leave the group, the 3 remaining continued to play 1 more course, where Aussie took control from the other 2 remaining competitors. He will claim victory, and that I quit and thus my scores are nullified. I will claim that a 10 stroke lead was insurmountable, and dinner w/grandma was not cancelable. This may need to be settled on the field of battle.

Below is a map of our driving path and the courses we went to:

Don't Forget: Friday Night is Karaoke Night

2009-07-20T20:48:00.006-04:00

Don't Forget: Friday Night is Karaoke Night

I took "my DJ" up to the Poconos this weekend for a night and day away from the loud city. While getting away for one night isn't that big of a deal, I'm away this coming weekend (Tahoe), she's away the following 2 (Italy), and then I'm away the following 3 (Israel, Denver)... so we probably won't hang out again until mid September.

I’ve been going to the Poconos since my parents got the house, more than 20 years ago. In fact, the first entry in the guest book is something my friend, who got married last weekend, wrote in 1989. We’d always come up w/friends, or family, and I’d never plan anything, and I’d definitely never experienced the culture which exists two hours west of New York.

The first thing we noticed up there was how bad the economy is in the rural US, compared to New York. We stopped at a mall to see what movies were playing b/c it was raining, and almost every store was vacant. I’m not talking about a lack of patrons, I’m talking about a lack of tenants. It was actually pretty scary.

We stopped at an outdoor (but covered) Italian Tiki bar for dinner (They had shrip parm!). The customers had been drinking for hours and the stories they were telling were as "fresh" as anything I’d ever heard. Though DJ and I didn’t mind the entertainment at all, the locals were unnecessarily apologetic, to the point where one of them bought us drinks. I guess if he’s jobless and living off my tax dollars, he may as well buy me a drink (wow, I’m an ass!). I guess DJ and I stood out like sore thumbs. Right before we left, Karaoke at the Tiki bar was just starting up.

Our next stop was the Carnival across the street. Due to the rain, but though the rain had stopped, it was empty and thus closing at 9. We walked to the hotel across the street to see if anything else was going on. Apparently, Karaoke takes place at the Fernwood every Friday night too.

Onto the house we drove, but the road was closed, and thus we stopped at a local establishment for directions on the detour. As I stood waiting to ask a waitress, a local asked what I needed(everyone this weekend was so freaking friendly) and of course, asked where I was from. I guess I stood out like a sore thumb.

Of course we had to make 1 more stop before getting to the house, the Log Cabin Bar & Restaurant. They have pizza and wings and beer and corn nuggets… a full service restaurant. I ordered 2 beers, and the absurdly old bartender told me it was $3, and he meant for BOTH. Yes, I’m talking about $1.5/a beer! The bartender was so old, he asked where we were from, twice. Let me make this clear... The man asked for our orders, noticed how much we stood out, and then asked where we were from. No more than 5 mintues later, he walks over, forgets who we are, notices how much we stand out, and asks where we are from, again. Of course, it was karaoke night at the Log Cabin on Friday night.

Saturday was spent:

Hiking to a waterfall (Click for Pic, and Another),

Hitting that carnival when it was open but still void of people
(Picture of me trying not to puke on the scramble below),

Sliding down a slide (video),

Driving down to the Delaware River where we saw some sort of ritual baptism (picture),

Going to a bakery and picking up some chocolate peanut butter cream pie,

Blinking and realizing that 2 hours had just passed after an awesome nap,

Food shopping for my apartment and office in NJ (Saved so much money buying 20 boxes of cereal),

And eating at a NJ diner.

Here are some things I was thinking about while driving:

I think I forgot to pack my asthma meds, my sandals and my sneakers though I only packed for one night. I think DJ forgot her toothbrush, though she packed enough for 4 nights.

I think the Delaware River is so flat you can’t even tell which way the water is flowing. I think that every time I think of the Delaware, I think of Jaime’s 30th birthday rafting trip where we filled the rafts w/beer and floated 5 miles in 5 hours.

I think I love creating perfect text messages, I may be obsessed. To explain, a perfect text message is one that is exactly 140 characters. I'll add / subtract / alter words just to get there. I think this is the perfect text I sent to my dad saturday night "FYI...I got to you apt friday after work and when changing into shorts before driving I realized my sandals were on 18th st. So I stole a pair of yours! Thanks"

I think I see signs for a “tap room” all the time, and have no idea what one is.

I think that when people ask me "what type of music do you like?" my new response is going to be "music that was written before I was born." I think I've always like the classic rock & the Q.

I think it’s strange when the media discusses how someone fought cancer valiantly. Are there people who don’t and would the media mention it if they didn’t?

I think Harry Potter is an obsession that I’m quite happy about. Before the 6th movie came out, I reread the 6th book, again, for the 3rd time. (I read it when it came out and right before the 7th book came out). I think I love working at a place that is every banks client because it allowed me to go to a screening of HP6, before it opened. I think my sales coverage was shocked when I told him I wanted 2 tickets after he offered to all of his clients. I think I was the only one of his clients w/o kids who wanted tickets.

FB has just reached everyone...

2009-07-14T16:40:00.002-04:00

I was just friend requested by a person I met on a flight 3 years ago who I said this about:

"I get a reclining exit row isle and am set. A 26 year old girl from Uzbekestan sits next to me and has no book, cards or anything. She talks to me the whole flight. I find out her maternal grandmother is Jewish so I guess talking to her isn’t a total waste of time. She teaches me some card games and she heads to LA after we land."

Driving that LIRR Train

2009-07-05T20:27:00.005-04:00

It's July 4th weekend, and this is the FIRST weekend all summer that I have not been out to Long Island. When asked about Long Island, I used to say things like "I've been east of JFK twice, and only for weddings" or "I love Long Island! It's an amazing barrier island for Connecticut. Keeps CT safe from Hurricanes." Now a days, it seems as though I'm taking the LIRR (Long Island Rail Road) every weekend. AND I hate to admit this, but I actually enjoy being out there. Its 2 hours or less, and all of a sudden, you're relaxed, having a drink, forgetting your NYC stress, and pretending you're on vacation.

I hate posts like this, so I'll try to keep it interesting, but here's a quick recap of my Long Island Adventures.

On Saturday, May 23rd, I went hiking up in the Bear Mountain area, right by Westpoint w/some volleyball friends. Here are some pictures of me from that hike

On Sunday, May 24th, I drove up to the Hamptons for the evening. I am part of a share up there, and there was an extra spot for the night so I took it. Drinks at Sunset Beach on Shelter Island and then to a really nice dinner in Sag Harbor. I knew 3 of the people up there, so figured I'd have fun. Def wasn't worth the trip.

Interesting things from this weekend:
- I drove 2 hours to Bear Mountain, and 2 hours back, and not one of the 4 people in my car offered to pay for gas. WTF?
- Everyone had bad allergies.
- I suggested ice cream after the hike, and didn't get any, while everyone else did.
- No idea why, but I'm just not eating that much ice cream this summer.
- I drove home from the Hamptons with a guest as well, she didn't offer to pay for gas after that ride either. WTF?
- I met a very nice, down to earth girl, who was absolutely nuts with a little alcohol in her. She didn't know where to stop, didn't know what she was doing. I ended up having to pull her out of a fight w/some foreigners who's boyfriends she was trying to grind up against.

On Friday May 29th, went to the Hamptons house w/the roommate. Went to Dune and had an OK time. Saturday, Steven and I went to the Wolfer Estate b/c the Hurricane's friend's family owns the place. Drank wine all day there. Everyone went to dinner except Steven and I b/c we didn't really like the people there that weekend and we didn't want to spend $100 a person to sit w/them. We watched basketball at Madame Tongs, where they were supposed to meet us afterwords. They never did, or messaged. Left early on Sunday, at least driving was only 1.5 hrs or so.

Friday June 5th, Steven and I decided to go to Fire Island, just for the night. Mr. Robinson joined us and we crashed at Steven's Aunt and Uncle's place in Ocean Beach. Despite the rainiest possible night ever, FI was still a blast. We had to teach Mr. Robinson how Fire Island is the Key West of the East, or 7's Heaven, as I now like to refer to it. (We call it 7's Heaven b/c every one's a 7. No one is ugly, no one is super hot, every one's just above average). I met this lovely girl, and you can read all about her HERE. For those of you wondering, I went with option D), I never wrote her back. Saturday, we left early and took the train to Belmont Raceway for the Belmont Stakes (In Queens, which is technically LI). Met up w/the Hurricane and her Roommate and other friends. A few coworkers were there, a few volleyball people were there....and I won some $$$. Just a great weekend, ruined a few days later, but still great times.

Friday June 12th, I headed out to FI for one of my share weekends. Steven was celebrating his birthday out there and I was in a house with Evan, Robbie, and a few other kids I knew. Was a pretty good night for all...and I left early in the morning to take the LIRR back to NY for Party at the Piers. Party at the Piers was a huge success. I had about 30 of my friends come and we raised something like $27K. Thought it was raining, the outdoor party was covered by a canopy. After the party was the after party at my apt, only a few avenues away. Here are some pictures from that evening. I met DJ for only the second time that evening, but we've hung out quite a few times since. It's somewhat amazing to me that 5 days after I write something like "I'm not even close to dating anyone," I meet someone. Then all of a sudden, I'm dating someone.

Friday June 19th, I don't actually have a share this weekend and spend most of my time in NYC. It's father's day weekend, and my coworker's friend's dad couldn't go to the US open, so she gave her tkts to my coworker, and he took me! So back onto the LIRR it was for a Sunday at the US Open. (Bethpage, NY). Unfortunately due to the rain, it was only 3rd round play. Double unfortunately due to the rain, I was covered in mud and my plans to go straight to grandma's for BBQ had to be altered slightly. Here's a picture of my shoes after this lovely day in the mud.

Friday June 26th it was back to Fire Island for a full weekend in Evan's share. Steven and Tom joined me and lets just say it was an awesome weekend. Elana, Daniella and David their own house that weekend and partied like rock stars with the rest of us. I bumped into Peterson, I made some new friends, and I had no desire to talk to any "real" girls. Strange! The first 24 pictures of this ablum are from this weekend.

Yes, folks, that brings us to 4th of July weekend. After 6 weekends in a row spending time on Long Island, I'm finally back in NYC. And let me tell you, I did NOTHING this weekend. Well....after Thursday night's party. Last year on the Thursday before July 4th we had a little house warming / rooftop party (Here's the link where I mentioned it w/pics). This year, since no one was working July 3rd, we had the 2nd Annual Thursday before July 4th Party. The last 50 pictures in this album are from the party. I'd say it went pretty well, though I do owe g-d a thank you. (it stopped raining at 7:30pm, and the night was perfect after that). The only way it would have better is if Hurricane and DJ were there.

LNF

2009-06-25T17:25:00.001-04:00

Someone finally created my idea... took forever!

Comfortable Shoe Vending Machines For Clubs / Bars

Searching for me?

2009-06-22T18:48:00.002-04:00

Someone from Viet Nam just found my website by searching "japanese girl pretty short - bra, topless" on yahoo. Awesome!

They may have been on vn.yahoo.com

WTF Week

2009-06-09T20:02:00.007-04:00

Lotsa crap going wrong this week and I'm super scared of my presentation tomorrow. I made one of our junior analysts cut the bread in the kitchen for me today b/c I was sure that w/my luck, I was gonna lose a finger.

Anyway, I haven't posted "Ben dating" saga in a while... but since I'm not even close to dating anyone... I can now freely post about dating life w/or repercussions. Here's fun story w/a poll at the end.

Friday night I met this really cute, sweet nice girl. I memorized her number b/c my phone was dead and we made tentative plans to hang out Sunday night. I send her a text on Saturday "nice to meet you" with some other inside jokes about what we discussed the previous night. She responds, not w/a message, but w/a picture of herself a few hours later. A little weird, but much appreciated. Sunday I send another text "see you tonight, 7pm still good" and receive a response "I'm still at the beach, rain check this week?" Again, fine, no problems, seems like good news. We set up tentative plans for Wednesday via text. WHY DIDN'T I FOLLOW MY "NO DATING TEACHER'S THEY'RE ALL CRAZY" RULE?!?!

Yesterday I get a call from her totally out of the blue, unprovoked. I'm pretty excited when I answer. Then she tells me she is kinda seeing someone.... Then she tells me she wants to set me up w her friend, who I'd also met Friday night (but didn't talk to) and who was standing right next to her at the time. She then asks me if I wanted to talk to her. I say no. I was in shock. I actually have a good line for this situation, if the friend isn't standing right there. Total middle school flashbacks. I give the line anyway, stating "while your friend seemed great, I'm interested in you and knowing girls if I date her, it will ruin all chances I'd ever have with you, so I'd rather just wait. She was flattered, I'm sure her friend was highly insulted. I had mentioned Party At The Piers to her on Friday, and she told me to message her through facebook w/the information and maybe she'd come.

This is what I wrote: "I guess that was a lil strange... totally normal convo to have if she's not standing right there! Y ou know you could have told me this on Friday! (unless this is all a plan b/c you don't like me that much and she asked which is quite possible b/c girls def scheme like that)!

Anyway, you should def come on Saturday night! www.partyatthepiers.com - last year 450 people came. Outdoor drinking, open bar, on the water, raffles, dj, etc. I wouldn't be surprised if you know people who are going. Bring your boy, make him pay!

Take care, no hard feelings...write back and don't be a stranger."

I wasn't upset at that time but the more I thought about what she'd done, the more upset I became. She responded today:

"Now I feel all guilty!!!!!!!!!!!! I was just trying to be honest. I'm sorry if I shattered your hopes and dreams...

ha... I'll def keep in touch"

Now I'm pissed!

The Question is: WHAT DO I WRITE BACK?
(please vote)

A) Email full of WHAT I WANT TO SAY:

I don't want to be a jerk but I'm totally confused by you.

You wanted to be honest? You had so many opportunities to say something (or for your friend to say something for you).... Why send a picture and respond to my messages.... And why agree to hang out... And why make me repeat your phone number over and over in the bar to make sure I didn't forget... And why ask for a raincheck on Sunday? You wanted to be honest? I'm a nice person. I think we even discussed how you were too, and we discussed how you wouldn't have talked to me for so long if you were just wasting my time. That whole call yesterday was like middle school! I'm still shocked thinking back on it.

Wow, disappointed. But at least I've got an awesome new story for my website!

Hope you had a good birthday. (FB says her bday was last week)

Upside - I get it off my chest. She will never talk to me again.
Downside - She will never talk to me again. Awkwardness when I likely bump into her again.

B) Half way friendly w/a twang (and smiley faces):

You should feel guilty... If I actually knew you, you'd hear it from me...but since I'd only be alienating you, I'll refrain. :)

Any chance you want to upgrade? You should def hang out w/me, no strings... we got along well, why not?!

Hope to see you on Saturday! Bring the boy, 150 people got tkts already, 450 came last year. Great cause, not toooo expensive... outdoors, open bar, live music, what's better?

Upside - We may hang out, she knows I'm upset
Downside - She may not respond, or think I care too much.

C) Killing w/kindness:

No problem kiddo, I love when my hopes and dreams are crushed! :)
(I could even throw in a "We all make mistakes")

Hope to see you on Saturday, its gonna be awesome!

Upside - If we bump into eachother in the future, it could work. She may message when single again.
Downside - We are not gonna hang out anytime soon.

D) No response -

Upside - I don't waste my time
Downside - I don't waste my time

Some of you will ask me (and rightfully so) Why do I keep wasting my time w/this crap? Well... that's all that's out there!!!

PLEASE SUBMIT ANSWERS:

Benny Asks...

2009-06-07T22:39:00.009-04:00

Some questions I have… Some that I need answers:

Why does everyone like my little sister more than me? I had a dinner party the other night, 14 people came. A few days later, people had stopped mentioning the awesome cookie cake and the rice pudding but had not stopped talking about how cool my sister is and how much they love her. As a side note, this happened constantly in high school.

What If NBA held its draft lottery 35 minutes before the start of the actual draft?

Is there a male equivalent to Fleet Week for girls? I was talking to a few ladies about fleet week, and I’d say many of these ladies have fulfilled their civic duties at some point (ie ‘entertained’ the troops). Some get excited every year and some tried it once and don’t do it anymore. The question is; why don’t these girls love it every year and participate every year? The best analogy for a “male” Fleet Week is if there was a cheerleader week in NY. Where 50,000 college cheerleaders who’d been stuck at cheerleading camp for 6 months w/o seeing a boy had descended into Manhattan for a week. I know I would fulfill my civic duties to these girls ever time, especially if that 6 month cheerleader camp had been necessary to keep America safe.

How do we get cheerleader week in NY?

When did I become someone’s boss? All of a sudden, our Junior analysts have been at our company for a year, and I’ve got people working for me. All of a sudden, these kids are waiting for me to leave before they leave in the evening. Like they invented the N+5 rule, I’ll show them! Of course, the biggest impact from this knowledge is that I can’t flirt w/everyone anymore. All of a sudden, I’m a superior, and I have power. A silly kid like myself shouldn’t have power.

Why does bringing out a cake at an office party, or even a birthday party, have to be a surprise? The person who’s getting the cake knows it’s their birthday and you’ve gotten them a cake at work every year. If we’re talking about a birthday dinner, the birthday boy/girl definitely knows it’s their birthday. Why the surprise and secrecy?

Why is it that I only see Asian people wearing masks to protect them from Swine Flu? Are these people tourists or just live on Delancy Street? Did they not read THIS memo? (masks mostly help sick people from spreading but not healthy people from getting)

When the Wesleyan shooter’s diary was spread all over the news, they thought that so many studings, including the Jewish population at Wesleyan, was possibly at risk of being targeted. The question is, if I was a suspect in a killing, and the police/news media read this website, who would they think I was going to target? All Men? Anyone with Leggings on? Obviously Asian people with masks.

Am I the only person in NJ who’d never heard of a Taylor Ham and Cheese?

What would have happened if “we’re gonna be in the Hudson” happened in the summer? I think everyone would have died, or at least a few unsuspecting boaters. If the plane even nicks a sail boat at 100 mph, bad sh*t would have happened.

Where did the “old college try” come from?

What should I dress as for Halloween? Hurricane asked me the other day and these are some of the things that rattled off my tongue:

Aladdin – would just be fun. And I like vests, as long as I don’t have to wear something underneath it.

Waldo – Then I can walk up to girls and say “You just found me but I’ve been searching for you my whole life”

Jewish girls wet dream – Doctors coat, big Jewish star. Stage crew – wearing all black

Blind guy – I have the glasses and walking stick already

Blind guy w/injured hairy palm (updated) – figure it out, unsure if less offensive than blind person.

A nine year old kid – Wear the Heely’s , a pinwheel hat and maybe overalls?

Kiss Me Baby

2009-06-02T18:37:00.002-04:00

Boy Question: How do you know when a guy is coming in for a hug or a kiss?

Chances are, he's coming in for a kiss. I would assume that every guy wants to kiss you if he's going in for anything. He would totally avoidthe area if he didn't want anything, or make it completely obvious. Likely, his head is straight on you vs facing to the side.

Therefore, you should assume that you are in charge...and you need to non verbally tell him what you want. If you go in straight, you get to make out, if you go in with cheek, he'll get it. It's your decision.

I can't believe you're 28.
_

Puke Happens

2009-06-01T16:55:00.005-04:00

This is an actual email my friend sent to a guy 2 days after their second date. She recieved a text from him asking if he'd done something wrong:

Hi ####,

The weekend was good, finally got the summer weather we have all been waiting for! Finally!

Friday night was not my idea of a great date as I am sure you can imagine. If I thought you were going to be trashed when we met up, I would have probably recommended that we switch it to another night. Fridays are meant for everyone to let loose after work, but by the time I met up with you,you could barely walk in a straight line let alone formulate sentences...and a little aggressive at times. I picked a bar outside so you could get some air... ordered you a water, I got a margarita ...maybe 5 minutes into my drink you lean over and start to puke profusely all over...for a good 10 min. I got the check, put you in a cab and the last thing you said to me was, "are you going to come home with me?"

Puke happens...we've all done it, no big deal... But I just felt that you should have known better not to make plans with me in the state you were in. I'm over it, so no hard feelings.

Hope you have a great week.

Worst Weekend Ever - By Flamingo

2009-05-29T14:40:00.004-04:00

The Worst Weekend Ever - Why I Hate Pittsburgh
By Flamingo
Edited by Meistro
(Editor’s note: I have decided to keep track of all 61 things that went wrong, thus the numbers)

Chapter 1: The Setup
Several years ago I was invited to a wedding in Pittsburgh. I knew the guy who was getting married, as he (briefly) dated a friend of mine who was also going to the wedding. Basically, this guy (Satan) that I also sort of knew, but not well, needed a date.

He was in the wedding party, so he needed a date that was able to hold her own. Enter me. We had never dated and I knew him as a friend of my friend, from high school.

I agreed to go because I knew a bunch of people who were going, including this mutual friend, so I knew I would have a good time with her no matter what.

You might ask, “Why go with a stranger?” Well, he was cute, I like parties, and my friends were going.

Since we had a lot of lead time before this wedding (I said I would go in like, July, the wedding was in October or something), Satan, and I started talking.
And talking…
And talking…
And next thing you know, we are talking for hours every day. We like each other.

Of course, I’m thinking, “This is super. We are going to hook up!”

Unfortunately, we did not hang out except for that time in July when he asked me to go with him. He did not live in the city, he was from NJ and at the time he was living in Delaware.

Chapter 2: Invisible Driving
The plan is for him to drive from Delaware and pick me up at work on Thursday; we're doing the rehearsal dinner, the wedding on sat, etc. We are driving to Pittsburgh. (1)

Once we are in the car, after months of getting along famously, he says not one word to me. (2)
Nothing…
It is so awkward… (3)
He didn’t even try… (4)
It is unbelievable…
But not for long…

We are maybe, 45 minutes out of the city, on the turnpike and he starts freaking out. He’s all, “Something is wrong. OMG! My heart just skipped a beat, I'm having trouble breathing." (5)
He is convinced he is having a HEART ATTACK and I’m sitting in the passenger seat trying to talk him down.
He is freaking out!
I tell him to pull over (6)
He does and we take a walk around the car. He drinks some water. He thinks he's ok. He gets back on the road. I'm good in emergencies.

10 minutes later
"It happened again, something's wrong." (7)
He's a total mess. Sweat dripping from his brow, pale skin.
We pull over again. (8)
I feed him some food, give him some more water, and tell him to get in the passenger seat and close his eyes, take deep breaths. I will drive. (9)

So far not his fault, but it’s only Thursday afternoon at this point. I drive the ENTIRE FUCKING WAY (10) to Pittsburgh while he sleeps next to me. (11)

Chapter 3: No Money, No Problem
We arrive at the hotel and go to check in to our room, under his name. I’m sure you can guess who's credit card is declined. (12) You can probably guess who put her card on the room instead. (13) Apparently, because he rented a car, they put a $2,000 hold on the card.

Of course, he's very apologetic. "I'll write you a check. I'm so sorry, etc."

We go upstairs, he's feeling better, and we decide to go out with our friends who are already in Pittsburgh. Going out was great, we had fun. While frustrating, none of this was really his fault so I didn’t blame or “strongly dislike” him, yet.

Later that night, we go back to the hotel room and go to sleep. There has never been a wider space between two people in a hotel room bed, ever. (14) 1 bed, 5 feet in between us. At this point, if Friday or Saturday goes well, it’s still “on” between us. At least in my mind this is what I’m thinking.

Chapter 4: Friday Freakout
Friday morning, I wake up, he's gone.
I look out the window, onto the parking lot.
It's like 815am.
He is pacing the parking lot, on the phone. (15)
He comes inside. "It's happening again, there's something wrong with my heart" (16)
He’s totally freaking out.
He wants to wake up the GROOM and have him take him to the hospital. I say, "Don't do that, I’ll take you." (17)

So I drive him to the hospital, where he is promptly admitted, as he believes he is having a heart attack. (18)

He asks me to call his parents whom I have never met. (19) I tell them what is going on. I’m giving them updates every few minutes. They jump in the car, driving from northern NJ to Pittsburgh, talking to this strange girl (me) the whole way.

We are at the hospital ALL DAY! (20)
ALL FUCKING DAY!
There's nothing wrong with him. (21)
He was, as you properly guessed, having a panic attack.
He was a little over caffeinated because apparently on Thursday he had gotten up really early and had like 18 double espressos… and 5 sodas.

I call back his parents again and tell them not to come, after they’ve been driving for 2 hours. (22)

If this was all that had happened, it wouldn't be "the worst weekend ever."

Chapter 5: Rehearsing for What?
We go that night to the rehearsal dinner.
It was lovely.
We go out.
We have a great time.
Things are looking up, but we don’t hook up.

Chapter 6: Wedding Day Disasters
Saturday, the morning of the wedding, all our other friends arrive (including some of my best friends from NJ).
It's great.
We go to ceremony.
It’s lovely.
We go back to hotel.

Satan (my date) takes the limo to the reception with the rest of the wedding party, without me, as planned. (23)

I am with my best friend and about 5 other people -- the only other guests our age at the wedding who aren't in the wedding party. We find out, that there is no transportation from the church or hotel to the reception, which is like, 45 minutes away. (24) No bus. No van. No carpool. Nothing. My date didn’t know this, or didn’t tell me. (25)

Satan has the keys to his car with him, (26) and who wants to drive to a wedding anyway? Thus, we call a cab to take us there, which takes 1/2 hour to arrive at the hotel. (27) As we are waiting, we miss the cocktail hour, which I DO NOT LIKE. (28)

Just as the cab comes, we get a text message that the wedding is "running out of alcohol" (29)
We are concerned.
We finally arrive at the reception.
We pay $35 for the cab (30)
We are not pleased

Chapter 7: I Didn't Receive Anything at the Reception
We arrive at reception about 1 1/2 hours late convinced the bar is running out of booze. This results in double 7&7s with Jagermeister chasers. We had thought that possibly the “running out of alcohol text” was a joke. It was not a joke. (31) They only had an alcohol budget of like, $350 dollars. (32)

The reception is at some shithole hall and it's got these crucified bleeding Jesuses all over the walls. (33) In fact, I have a picture of me and best friend posing in front of giant crucified Jesus. For mental image’s sake, the reception ballroom had plastic table cloths. (34) (Editor’s note, I don’t think “Jesuses” is a word, but I’m not sure you can even pluralize it properly)

None of that is Satan’s fault, but it still contributes to the worst weekend ever.

After hitting the $350 limit, the bar shifted to a cash bar and then they completely ran out. (35) Either way, at the reception, Satan does not even glance in my direction. Let alone talk to me. (36)

Somehow, I’m fine with this. At this point, I’ve given up. (37) All those hopes and great conversations we’d had leading up to this point had become pretty much meaningless. It appears as though Satan is going to be hooking up with some snaggletoothed fat ass bridesmaid. (38) Whatever. (Editor’s note, I think snaggletooth's are sexy)

So the wedding ends and the wedding party leaves, in the limo. (39)
However, it takes 45 additional minutes for our cab to come. (40) During this waiting period, they close the reception hall, (41) and throw us all (about 7 of us) out into the parking lot. (42)

Then the bride walks by with her mother.
Mother: who are all these people in the parking lot?
Bride: oh, they are “Groom’s” friends from NJ. They are Soooooo low class. (43)

Of course, to solidify her point, my friend “J” ended up breaking some stuff. (44)

Chapter 8: After the Party It's the Hotel Lobby
The cab arrives and it's THE SAME CAB DRIVER. We get in the cab and at this point, we know our saving grace will be.......... THE HOTEL BAR
We are excited.

However, after a substantial period of time, we realize that we are driving around in circles.(45) We realized that it did not take this long to get from the hotel to the reception. When we ask where we are, driver says we’re on the way. When we ask the fair, he says $75! (46)

Considering this is the same cab driver as before, we know it didn't cost that much, and he knows it to. We tell him we don't have the $$.

He pulls over on the highway and tells us to get out. (47)
We get out. (48)
I manage to convince the guy we have the money, considering there are 3 of us standing outside of the cab on the highway. He lets us back in the cab and drives us to the hotel. As we get out of the cab at the hotel “P” punches the cab driver in the face (49), and then runs inside and gets some cops to arrest him for trying to rip us off. Of course, ”P’s” loaded but somehow, we manage to escape this situation.

We see Satan and fat-ass bridesmaid at the hotel bar.
Right as we arrive, the hotel bar closes. (50)
Satan disappears with snaggletooth. (51)
(After all the frustrations of the weekend, I probably would have hooked up w/him at this point still, just to have one good thing to say about this weekend.)

We spend the next half hour in the lobby trying to convince the hotel bar to serve us. (52)
Finally, it's 3 am, I decide to go back to my room. You might not be surprised at this point to learn, I am locked out. (53) Chain lock on our hotel room that I’m paying for.
I give up.
We go to Denny’s. (54) (Editor’s note: Actually, this doesn’t count, I love Denny’s) (53)
We return to hotel.

I sleep, for 2 hours, (54) almost completely naked (55) wedged in between “N” and “P” in a twin bed. (56) They are sharing the room with another couple who are getting it on in the bathroom.(57) I have no clothes because all I had was my dress, which didn’t require a bra even.

Chapter 9: Leaving Pittsburg Forever
We wake up at 6:15am. (58)
I return to my room.
It is empty.
I take my stuff and bounce. Apparently Satan went back to that girl’s room at some point during the night.

The high point of the weekend was the truck stop we visited somewhere on the Pennsylvania Turnpike. It had good milkshakes.

“N” drove me to NJ, while “P” vomited in the back. (59) He may have had a bit too much to drink. Maybe it was the sight or memory of me topless. Regardless.

That's it. That's "The Worst Weekend Ever"

Afterword:
Satan proceeded to move BACK to NJ not terribly long afterwards. He moved in with my friend “N” for nearly two years. (60)

About 4 months ago, when he moved out, I emailed him, to ask if he would send me a check for the hotel room. Who wouldn't like an extra $300 from someone who's not really your friend anymore? He actually had the balls to never respond to my email. Not even a "money's really tight for me now, I'm sorry" or "really, I thought we had already worked that out" or "I thought we were going to split it 50/50." (all of which would have been big fat lies) (61)

Word on the street was that like, 2 days before we left for Pittsburgh, his ex girlfriend of long time told him she wanted to get back together.

Introducing Jami and Other Things I’ve Been Thinking

2009-05-06T22:42:00.010-04:00

3 weeks ago I found my twin brother and have been hanging out with him a lot lately. Jami was separated from me at birth and recently moved to NYC once we reconnected. He even changed his last name to match mine! He grew up in Iowa and went to college there. Now he’s an aspiring writer… at least that’s what I put on his Facebook profile. Huh? Confused yet? Well, to explain, I created him out of thin air. (Kinda like Idiot Boy)

He exists in my stories, on Facebook, and when I’m wearing fake glasses. His Facebook profile has a few pictures of him, and last weekend when I was walking around the city for 10 hours and 32 miles, I changed clothes and took some pictures with him. Here they are.

He’s also gotten some random Facebook friend requests recently. I sent this response to Amy, who invited Jami to a party.

“Amy,
Thanks for the message and I appreciate the invite. However, and unfortunately, I'm not a real person. I was created by someone with bipolar disorder so he could address his multiple personality issues. Good luck with your party and maybe my other personality will show up.
Jami”

This other girl created a second FB profile for work, so she could invite random people to her company’s parties and events. I wrote this to her.
“What's up? It seems like your FB alter ego just requested my fake FB twin. Why are you sending requests? Shouldn't you attach lil descriptors/disclaimers of what/why you are doing it first?”

It’s not that I have so much free time; it’s that I’ve got to take breaks at work for stress relief reasons.

Imentor:
As I mentioned in my Q&A yesterday, I entered a program last week called Imentor, where you’re matched up with a high school kid for a minimum of a year. For time constraint purposes, it’ll likely cost me about 6 hours a month. I can handle that. The program requires that you email with your mentee once a week, in opening, body, closing paragraph style. The program gives the kids the topics, and they email you first, you merely respond. Additionally, once a month you meet with your mentee at an Imentor sponsored event. In order to get in, I had to give 4 references, get interviewed, and submit to fingerprinting. I don’t think I’ve been fingerprinted since elementary school. When I told that to the guy administering, I told him second grade was the last time I was arrested. I have not been accepted yet, and the mentoring runs on a school calendar, so I won’t start until October. However, my references have been called, and the diligence by the detective agency hired by Imentor for screening seems pretty good. I just hope that I have a fake twin brother, doesn’t exclude me from mentoring.

I Think This is What I Think about Leggings, Fashion Trends, Text Message Roulette and Other Things:
I don’t dislike leggings. I dislike leggings as pants unless you have a perfect ass. Leggings under a short skirt can be very sexy, but I don’t really like them underneath a long t-shirt or sweater where half of your ass is hanging out (again, unless you have a perfect ass). To me, it kinda takes the mystery away b/c its pretty much like seeing a girl’s body naked, but painted in black. It’s not sexy, it’s too revealing. Why not just walk around w/o no pants on at all.... I also prefer boy shorts to other types of underwear for the same reasons… Of course, I have no idea about fashion, considering I only follow about 7 rules.

I think that I’m so behind the fashion trends, that I could use this lack of expertise to make money. I think that once I learn about a trend, I should find that company’s stock and short it (sell it and hope it goes down). I think I heard about Lululemon, right about when their stock was at an all time high. I think Crocs followed the same pattern, as did many other things. I think I can make a lot of money with my uncoolness.

I think I don’t like guys with sideburns. I’m not sure how this differs from my total dislike of men in general, but I’m judgmental, and sideburns are a bad start.

I think I just learned what a two bagger is. I think the way it was described to me is that you put 2 bags on and would rather but your own arm off before you take the other bag off.

I think my experiment with avoiding texting is over. I think I started calling people and saying “I’m so tired” and then hanging up, b/c that’s what I would have done if I texted them. I think that just made it worse.

Speaking of texts, I think I play text message roulette every once in a while. I think about half of the text messages I send are teetering on the brink of obscene, offensive, mean spirited or damn right inappropriate. Considering this, often I’m not sure if I should send a message, and so I wait until I’m in an area with little or no wireless services. When there, I hit send, and that way I feel like whether the message goes through or not is in g-d’s hands. Yes, I leave some of my text messages to fate.

Combined Q&A

2009-05-03T17:06:00.002-04:00

I've combined a relationship Q&A w/a random one...

Barbi - What casual clothes can a girl wear and still look sexy?

I’m not going to mention the overalls again, which were discussed here and in the comments, but I’d say there isn’t much like a wife beater. A knee high dress mixed w/a wife beater is casual and sexy as hell. (Any color)

BIL2 - At what point in a relationship should one's significant other get the #1 speed dial position? If they don't have it by the time they are married, who is entitled to be before them?

What if there is a disparity between them, i.e. A has B as #1 but B does not have A as #1, does that say something about the relationship?

The speed dial rules aren’t well established and there are considerable variations and variables that must be taken into account. Of course, my first phone had 99 speed dials and I had over 70 filled in and people would test me on them. My parents were 24 and 27 back then! However, a standard base of rules should apply at all times for new phones.

1. Home (parent’s house) if you’re unmarried, spouse if you’re married. It’s pretty much only for your emergency contact, whoever that may be.
2. Reserved for significant others only. Of course, for me, it’s my parent’s other home number, b/c I have nowhere near needing it for something else.
3. Parent’s Cell
4. Parent’s Cell
5. Best friend
6. Sibling 1 (everyone has to have 1 sibling, those are the rules)
7. Sibling 2 or roommate
8. Friends, siblings, In-Laws
9. Friends, siblings, In-Laws

Things to note: If significant other wants #1, A) explain that it’s the number if something happens to you, and that you spend so much time together, that you’ll probably be together when that happens so you won’t need to be called. Additionally, #2, # 5, and #8 are actually more important, and can be argued as such, because of their place on the phone… in the middle. Argue that 2 is better than 1 or 3. That is also why your best friend is at #5.

As to your disparity question, no love is equal. Someone always like one more than the other likes back (in my experiences at least). The person who likes more will move the other up the speed dial list preemptively, to prove his or her love. However, this is the wrong course. All it does is solidify the person of power in their position of power. It’s showing your cards in the love power game.

Embarrassing Convo:
Terrible With Boys: I met a guy last night and he's in town for 12 more days, while I'm in town for 10. Should I call him today?
Have you ever met a guy before? No, he’ll call/message you.
TWB - I didn’t give him my number, I got his.
WHY? Have you ever met a guy before? I wouldn’t call, I would text. Remember, whatever your instincts are, they are wrong, so do the opposite.

I was dead serious in that last test. This girl is cute, and wants to hook up and strikes out constantly. She has no idea what she’s doing.

Barbi - Back in college, I used to sleep with this guy... let's call him Jared. It was college, he was with other people, I was with other people, and then he was with his girlfriend and let's just say things ended badly and we didn't speak for many years. We reconnected 2 years ago, sent each other wonderfully clever and touching emails catching each other up on our lives, but I was living abroad and he got into a relationship. When we first saw each other again, he was already living with her. For the last 6 months we get together once a month for drinks or lunch and there is some flirtation, and he will complain about his girlfriend's shortcomings and say inappropriately sexually overt things... I find myself feeling all the old feelings I used to have for him, and more... I get stressed out before each meeting, hoping I look perfect, rehearsing my entrance, it’s pretty pathetic... I know he won't cheat on her, then what is he doing? is this an ego boost for him? what am i doing? should i stop seeing him?

My first instinct, of course, is to respond to your crazy talk, and you “rehearsing your entrance” was by far the best example. What are you nuts? Do you think that matters at all? Wow…
Now, onto your questions.

What is he doing? Is this an ego boost? He is being totally inappropriate. Maybe he won’t cheat on her, maybe he will. He probably is already. Do you think his gf knows you two are hanging out once a month? (Answer, no) Do you think she would approve of it (Answer, no). When you have a GF, and you’re supposedly in love, and you’re living with that person, there isn’t any reason to be in contact with an ex, making inappropriate sexually overt comments to her, and flirting with her. Many girls would call those actions cheating on their own. There’s nothing wrong with him complaining about his girlfriend, but there is everything wrong with him doing it to you. This isn't an ego boost, this is him testing the waters, and his GF should know.

What are you doing? Should you stop seeing him? First, you aren’t doing anything wrong socially. BUT that doesn’t mean you aren’t screwing yourself over. You’re not looking at the long term, only the short term. If he does break up w/his gf, or he does cheat w/you, hanging out with him now doesn’t guarantee he’ll ever get together with you. All you are guaranteeing is that you’ll like him more than he likes you, and that you’ll hook up once (or a few times if he’s cheating).

This guy created a very emotional situation for you in college, and thus you’ve got some unsettled issues to work through. He brings up memories and feelings that you haven’t felt in a while, b/c you’re not the same person you were back then. That doesn’t mean these are good or bad feelings, but that connection you have, is based on an emotionally turbulent past.
Are you two friends? No. Are you lovers? No. Is the fact that you two are hanging out, and in this capacity, inappropriate? Yes. Not that you should be telling him this, but he should be respecting his current girlfriend. You’ll never trust him if you ever do end up w/him b/c of what he’s doing to his current girlfriend, making this extremely unhealthy. If you want to hang out with him, she should be in the know, and be around. If not, you shouldn’t be hanging out until she’s gone, or until you’re in a committed relationship (if you trust yourself).

Why do you want to be a high school mentor?

I saw the movie role models and they had fun. Actually, I was sitting in Union Square a few weeks ago when a homeless person asked me for some money. I said no, and looked away, not even making eye contact. He then walked up to an old lady with a shopping cart full of stuff, obviously homeless to. I watched her take out a green dollar and give it to him. I have no idea the denomination, but no matter what, it was more than I ever would have given him. Seeing that, made me think, “I can do more for this world.” So, I’m trying to do more.

Hurricane - Don't you think companies should have a designated spring break for theiremployees?

That's absurd... it should be in the summer. We should all take 2 week vacations at the end of the summer like they do in Europe. The whole country should just vacation.

How do you know when your personality is getting old?

For a guy, there are 11 distinct signs that you are no longer young.

There is no beer paraphernalia on your walls or sitting on your shelves
You have a bike rack.
Your couch was not handed down or purchased on craigslist.
You think Monday Night Football games end too late.
You shower on days when you don’t leave the house.
When you get home from work and take off your shirt, you check to see if lint in your belly button.
You go to bars before 10pm on a Saturday and it’s been over a year since you stayed out till 5am.
You complain about aches and pains that you would have ignored in college.
You take sick days when you ACTUALLY are sick.
You talk about work more than sports and you enjoy talking about work
You eat sushi more than once a week and/or enjoy eating sushi in general.

Phones Are NOT For Talking

2009-04-18T14:35:00.002-04:00

My lack of desire to talk on the phone is starting to cause a few problems, though at least people are catching on. I recieved this from a friend this morning:

April 18th, 2009

Dearest Ben,

Eventhough I love the phone, I will resort back to emails and text messaging only. I understand that the phone isn't for everyone,(yourself included) but it is infact a much faster and accurate form of communication that you should try to accept with time.

My apologies again-

Best,

Passing Over My Middle Child Syndrome

2009-04-09T14:26:00.006-04:00

As the middle child/black sheep of the family, I’m constantly being bombarded with bad advice from everyone else. This is despite the fact that I’m an independent 29 year old, and the ONLY ONE in my whole family (excluding BIL’s) that is gainfully employed. (My parents and sisters are “retired.”)

During our Passover Seder, a discussion over the causes/dynamics of middle child syndrome took place. Not surprisingly, it was focused on my personal “illness.”

This is My Middle Child Syndrome (MCS) Story:
Apparently, during the first two years before I was born, my older sister got all of the attention (makes sense). Once I was born, she was in her 2’s, was learning to talk and was learning to learn, a very important stage. At that time, I couldn’t really do anything. Baby’s can be boring, and thus tending to her needs continued to be everyone's focus.

By the time I had progressed to my own talking/learning phase at the age of 2.5, the older sister had moved on to excel at things like math, dancing, and stealing my parent’s attention. My baby sister was 6 months old, and was the new and final toy. My parents realized that they missed how cute my older sister was when she was 6 months old, and they never even realized I was around when I was that age, and thus cherished every minute of my baby sister’s upbringing. She was gonna be the last. I was the boy, I was complacent, I wasn’t needy, and thus, I wasn’t really there. This dynamic was the centerpiece of my upbringing, solidifying my status as having one of the worst cases of middle child syndrome possible. (middle boy between two sisters). It lasted for the next 16 years. My personality finally developed once I hit college. That’s when the edgier/jerk-of-a-Ben you all know emerged. Before then, I was quiet, nice, and somewhat characterless.

As a sidenote, my cousin Joshua, who may be reading this today, has MCS almost as bad as I do. He's the middle boy of 4 boys, with the youngest 2 being twin boys. Last night, his father gave an excellent example of how to prove the existence of MCS by discussing family pictures. He mentioned how many pictures he had of the eldest, obviously because he was the first, and how many pictures he had of the twins, obviously because they were twins, and the youngest. He said the number of pictures of those children, significantly overwhelms the number of pictures of Joshua. He's well aware he's to blame for MCS. My parents, aren't willing to take the blame yet.

My mom loves to tell little anecdotes my childhood to anyone who will listen. She especially loves those which are embarrassing and which I don’t remember. This voids my ability to contradict her terrible memory. Last night’s Passover Seder story fully supported my middle child syndrome arguments. It went something like this: “I always remember how when Ben was 5.5 years old, he came home one day and asked me why he couldn’t read when the other kids could? Of course, his sisters were reading when they were 4.5. I blame the school system b/c he went to public kindergarten instead of the Hebrew School kindergarten.” Sorry mom, I blame the parenting, the ignoring of the middle boy, and the creation of my MCS.

I just hope that my niece, who is now 2, will get the same attention her older sister got when she was that age. This is doubly important considering her older sister is a genius of sorts.

The fact that I’m not married, and don’t have a girlfriend, leads to some very interesting comments/commentary and suggestions from my relatives. Here are a few comments that I faced last night, never really sure how to respond:

From my almost 93 year old Grandma – “If you want a girl to like you, you have to pretend that you don’t like her.” - “You’re such a player grandma.” (of course, the only girls who don’t like me are the ones who I actually like).

From my Mom – "It’s just as easy to fall in love with a rich person as it a poor person, so you may as well make it a rich one. Of course, I didn’t follow that advice." – “That’s right mom, you went slumming.” (my dad’s an immigrant)

From my uncle, after telling him what my mom just said - “Show me a poor man who is happy, and I’ll show you and idiot.”

Apparently, my family wants me to find a rich girl and fall for her before I actually show any real interest in her. If I screw up that order, I’m bound to end up w/a poor girl, or a girl who I don’t like, or a girl who doesn’t like me back.

Considering this posting is mostly related to “How not to Screw Up Your Kids,” HERE IS another example of why you shouldn’t raise your kids in NYC.

My friend was actually involved w/the above guy a few days earlier, and messaged me about it today. . .
“That incident on the subway was scary, I was relieved that I had my two friends with me...that creep changed cars and followed us on the train, cornered us...and tried to hit my friend but she blocked herself with her umbrella...no one on the train tried to help us and instead moved as far as possible to the other side of the train. Unfortunately it was an express train so it seemed like the longest train ride....as we approached 8th Ave he blocked the entrance. I am glad I am alive to tell the story.”

This is the first article link I have posted in a long time. There are two good reasons for my laziness. First, the execution is a bit time consuming compared to normal posts. Secondl my BIL created HIS OWN WEBSITE, which is links based only, and thus, whenever I get one, I just email it along to him.

O-Mazing

2009-04-03T17:04:00.004-04:00

The O-Portfolio is O-mazing at its 1 month point.

By this point, its hard to imagine that O will ever be negative again. I'll keep tracking this, but only on a monthly basis.

One month ago President Obama stated, "buying stocks is a potentially good deal if you’ve got a long term perspective." On Tuesday, March 3rd, 2009, the Dow closed at 6,726. Today, the Dow closed at 8,018, up 1,292 points or 19.2%.

If the Dow went up 1,292 each month for a year, the annual return would be 230.5%
If the Dow went up 19.2% each month for a year, the annual return would be 723.5%

Those results are just... O-mazing

Update: I just read that the "the 25 percent gain by the Standard & Poor’s 500 Index since March 9, [is the] the steepest rally since 1938."

April Fools Day

2009-04-01T20:09:00.004-04:00

I pulled off a little prank today...and RECORDED THE WHOLE THING!

Hope you enjoy this as much as I did...

Spring Cut Day

2009-03-27T15:53:00.007-04:00

Spring Cut Day (also known as Look Both Ways Before You Cross the Street Day, LBWBYCTSD**) is approaching quickly, and it’s time to remind y'all how to properly take a sick day when you’re not really sick. I wrote THIS FIVE AND A HALF years ago. It doesn’t really apply anymore considering I don’t really have a direct boss… and don’t do anyone’s work but my own…and have an admin and a junior.

**As a reminder, Spring Cut Day / LBWBYCTSD takes place on the first sunny day of the year when the temperature hits 75 degrees. People are drawn outside, the streets are full of people, and there are actually people in the park. Additionally, girls are wearing all of their new spring outfits, and showing skin for the first time in 6-8 months. Drivers on the roads, are driving with their heads on a swivel, drawn to these girls like wild animals that haven't eaten in months. Thus, every year, someone gets hit by a car. Don't let it by you!! Please LBWBYCTS on the first few nice days of the year.

The Process for Calling in Sick (When 29 and Not Sick)

You must start this after lunch on the day BEFORE you want to take off. Check the weather ahead of time.

First, you need to redden your cheeks a bit. Running up the stairs is the preferred method, especially b/c a little sweat on the brow can't hurt your act. If that method isn’t possible, slap yourself around a bit, and go to the bathroom and put a damp cloth on your face.

Second, you need to work up a little cough, (sneezing is out of the question, it’s messy and not as easy to do on command). Walk around the office coughing a bit. Print something, pick it up coughing. Feel free to bend over for 4 seconds while coughing to add to the effect. Don’t say anything; just make sure a few people notice.

Next, around 4-5pm, walk over to your admin, junior, or coworker and something like “Man I feel like crap today. When do you think everyone’ll take off today? I should prob take off soon.” Your coworkers will likely tell you to go home now… stick it out if you want, either way. Notice how this varies from the previous “I have a boss” version, where you need to ask your boss if he has any more work for you today, b/c you aren’t feeling well and are trying to finish up at a reasonable hour.

Lastly, and most obviously, you need to call in sick the next morning. This piece of the puzzle is a joke, it’s easy! Use a deep, groggy voice. Set your alarm for early in the morning. Leave the message before anyone gets to the office, either with your coworkers, or your admin. Say, “Hey, its Jami, I’m still not feeling well and I’m not going to make it in right now. I could hardly sleep last night. Maybe I’ll come in this afternoon if I’m feeling better. If you need anything, call 555-1212.”

I would say the success rate of convincing everyone you're sick is close to 90%.

Much more difficult is the sick half day, in which you leave work early, just after lunch, b/c you are sick. This is necessary when you’re at work, and all of a sudden, the day gets really beautiful, and someone who’s already having a Spring Cut Day, calls or emails you to join.

Process for Mid Day Sick Cutting (When 29 and Not Sick):

1) Go to the bathroom for 20 minutes and put water on your face on the way out
2) Make your cheeks a little rosier than normal.
3) Walk by your coworkers/admin, looking down and not smiling, with your hand on your stomach.
4) Talk a little slower than normal when talking to coworkers/admin. Take pauses mid sentence.
5) When this is noticed, say “Sorry, I’m not feeling that well.”
6) Walk back to those same coworkers/admin, with bad posture (slightly bent over, hand on stomach), and say, “I think I should leave, I’m really not feeling well.”

I’d say there’s a 75% chance your coworkers/admin will agree w/you and say “go home, feel better.” Then you hit the park.

Texas - I Went Home

2009-03-22T20:23:00.006-04:00

I spent last weekend in Austin, Texas for SXSW (South by Southwest). Here are some things I thought about:

I think if a flight is 4 hours, it better serve food and better have TV's. I think I read 250 pages of my 300 page book (Rigged) on the flight, and had to buy a new one for my flight home.

I think I was forced to take book suggestions from strangers and ended up with The Road, a really really good book that's an absurdly depressing story about a boy and father trying to survive a post apocalyptic world.

I think you know when you're reading a good book when someone on the Shuttle stops you and tells you so, and then tells you that he's got a son and it totally messed him up for a few weeks.

I think that we took 50 pictures over the weekend but I could only post 5 online because the rest were just drunken and stupid. I think that going out in a group of 5 people with fake mustaches was a great way to help me have a good time when I don't talk to strangers. I think, because of those fake mustaches, people talked to me!

I think that I'm gonna have to throw a white trash mustache party at the TP in the next few months (maybe my roommate's bday memorial day weekend). What a blast it would be.
I think it bothers me when non engaged girls are reading bridal magazines.

I think turbulence only hits airplanes when I'm in the bathroom, making my peeing experience on planes similar to my drunken peeing experiences - balance issues. I think pilots just shouldn't let me use the facilities, for the other passengers' sakes.

I think after 3 days of drinking, BBQ and live music, I need detox. I'm thinking about eating healthy, giving up alcohol, exercising, and maybe even giving up dating for 90 days (till the summer) in order to clean my slate and start over. Maybe I'll apply to grad school w/all my free time.

I think southerners have a major inferiority complex regarding the civil war. I think this is what was written on the front of the "memorial" at the Texas capital building:

"Died.
For states rights guaranteed under the constitution.
The people of the south, animated by the spirit of 1776, to preserve their rights, withdrew from the federal compact in 1861. The north resorted to coercion. The south, against overwhelming numbers and resources, fought until exhausted. During the war, there were twenty two hundred and fifty seven engagements; in eighteen hundred and eighty two of these, at least one regiment took part. Number of men enlisted: Confederate Armies, 600,000: Federal Armies, 2,855,132. Losses from all causes: Confederate, 437,000: Federal, 485,216."

I think what I really like about this is that the federal numbers are exact, but the confederate are not. I think I can't imagine a memorial in the north with wording like this!

I think it sounds like a "we lost, but we were better, and we were in the right" Though, I think if I lived in the south, I'd have a complex too.

I think Austin was amazing, and UT would have been an amazing college experience, but I don't think it's a city I'd ever consider living in... just partying in.

The natives in Texas always say "Go Big or Go Home!"
In the end, I went home.

10,000

2009-03-21T21:55:00.002-04:00

I hit 10,000 career hits on this site... if only I had something to actually write about.

Obama Update

2009-03-19T16:55:00.004-04:00

The greatest US President in 3 generations may become the greatest stock picker in US history.

2 Weeks since Obama picked the bottom at 6,726:

Market at close on 3/18/09: 7,487

2 week return: 11.3%

The annualized geometric return is 1,623% (if you make 11.3% every 2 weeks)
The annualized arithmatic return is 294.2% (if you make 761 pts every 2 weeks)

UPDATED: (I gotta stop tracking this, Obama is amazing)

Market on 3/25/08: 7,750

3 week return: 15.2% or 1,024 pts

The annualized geometric return is 1,066% (if you make 15.2% every 3 weeks)
The annualized arithmatic return is 263.9% (if you make 1,024 pts every 3weeks)

Purim

2009-03-11T16:05:00.003-04:00

As a child (or even as 28 year old), whenever I was sitting next to my mother and bored to hell in temple she would say to me, “Read the in English.” She would tell me it’s full of interesting stories, and I’d read about how G-d did this and that and how he’s great, but bad things happened and he tests us b/c he’s a jerk even though he controls us, etc. etc. etc.

Fast forward to Purim on Monday night. I’m sitting at a Megillah reading, bored out of my mind and decide to read the English version of the Megillah / Book of Esther. The first 7 chapters are of the story I knew before: Esther (the prostitute) is made a Queen for winning a beauty contest. Haman hates the Jews because Mordecai (Esther’s pimp) wouldn’t bow to him. Mordecai saves the King’s life. Esther saves the Jews by revealing her identity. Haman is impaled on a stake 50 cubits high. We all celebrate now... or so I thought.

Little did I know, there were 3 more chapters…

In Chapter 8, Jews are told of the plot to exterminate them, and are given the power to defend themselves, kill their enemies, exterminate their armed forces including women and children and plunder their possessions. At hearing of this news that they were allowed to fight back and what day to fight back, the Jews celebrated. During that time, many people pretend to be Jews because they had become scared of the Jews, and what they would do on the 13th of Adar.

In Chapter 9, the 13th of Adar came, and Jews struck their enemies, slaying and destroying. They wreaked their will upon their enemies. They killed 500 men, and all 10 sons of Haman. When the King and Esther heard about the 500 people who were killed, Esther asked for the Jews to be allowed to continue tomorrow what they did today, and of course, to impale all of Haman’s sons on stakes. And thus, on the 14th day of Adar, 300 more men were slain. In the rest of the kingdom, Jews apparently killed 75,000 people that day. Of course, when all of this killing was over, there were big parties. Mordecai was so happy with all this killing, he sent dispatches to all the Jews to celebrate these days of every year on the 13th and 14th of Adar.

Chapter 10 we learn of how the King promoted Mordecai and told everyone in the land about it. Apparently this was very popular among the Jews and Mordecai was revered. This sounds like Idolatry to me.

Maybe the translation in my Megillah was a little off, but when I read all of this, I was floored. I understand that we were going to be killed, but we weren’t killed, we weren’t even attacked, we actually killed all of them. I’m ok with celebrating the first 7 chapters, but I don’t understand why we celebrate the other 3. In those chapters, we commit genocide and we commit idolatry. I’m pretty sure those are 2 of the 10 commandments that we break. I don’t think the commandment is “thou shall not kill, unless they are malachite.”

Esther must have been pretty pissed off. Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned, but isn’t it time we got over this one and let it go? Is it healthy to hold a grudge against a guy for 2,000 years after we’ve already killed him and his 10 sons? I know plenty of girls that hold grudges, and I keep telling them to get over that pain because I don’t know if any of them are happy.

Not to say we should forget Haman, but shouldn’t we give the guy a break… We did win after all. We don’t call Iran Hamania and people don’t wear three pointed hats. Haman must be in Hell laughing with Stalin about how 2,000 years from now, the Jewish people will still be yelling at the mention of his name, while Stalin may be forgotten by then. He probably watches the services from above/below and chuckles to himself about this whole thing. I can picture us Jews 1,000 years from now, totally forgetting about Hitler, but still remembering the evil Haman. We are Jews, we are supposed to be righteous and forgiving, when is it time?

Jewish holidays are comically simplified into, "They tried to kill us, they failed, lets eat/drink." In my mind, Purim is now forever different. Instead, it will be known as, "They tried to kill us, they failed, we killed them all, including their woman and children, lets celebrate our hatred of the guy who tried to do this and our neverending grudge against him, and lets eat/drink." I'm not sure I can celebrate Purim anymore.

Obama Calls The Bottom!

2009-03-04T09:45:00.006-05:00

Though the equity markets are much smaller than the fixed income markets, everyone focuses their attention on them... Focus becomes even more specific when looking at the Dow, which is made up of only 30 companies. In any event, President Obama stated yesterday "buying stocks is a potentially good deal if you’ve got a long term perspective." I'm taking this quote as "Obama Calls The Bottom" and I'll be periodically posting where the Dow is in comparison to Obama's claim.

For reference, the Dow closed yesterday at 6,726. Return = 0%.
(Dealbreaker also read the reports of Obama's comments, and are tracking the "First Portfolio").

UPDATE 1:
After 1 week, the Dow was at 6,926 or exactly 200 pts higher.
The 1 week return is 2.97%
The annual geometric return is 458.9% (if you make 2.97% a week)
The annual arithmatic return is 254.6% (if you make 200 pts a week)